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WHERE FROM??????? 9/22/2013
A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged
three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and
was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery
game warden who didn’t like hillbillies. The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting
license, and the hillbilly pulled out a valid West Virginia
hunting license. The game warden looked at the ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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SHE WAS ONLY PART 3 9/20/2013
She was only a fisherman's , but she smelled
like her father's catch.
She was only an locomotive engineer's , but
she loved to pull a train every Saturday night.
She was only a woodworker's , but she loved
getting nailed.
She was only a dentist's , but she loved getting
drilled & filled....
0 Comments, 71 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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SHE WAS ONLY PART 2 9/20/2013
She was only a moon-shiner's , but I loved
her still.
A stockbroker's , but everyone got their
share.
a cabinet maker's , but everyone knew what's
in her drawers.
She was only a carpenter's , but boy! could
she take a good screw!
She was only a bicyclist's , but she let everyone
have a ride!
She was only a ...
0 Comments, 46 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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SHE WAS ONLY 9/20/2013
A Road-maker's , but she always liked her
Asphalt.
A Cricketer's , but she could always take
a Full-toss in the Crease.
A Band-leader's , but she always hummed in
Ragtime.
A Signalers , but she 'Di-dit' because
her 'Da-Da di-dit'.
A Stable Hand's , but all the Manure....
0 Comments, 52 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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TOILET 9/20/2013
So little Johnny (four years old) is out shopping with his
Mom and Grandma. He says to Mom, "I have to go the toilet." Mom. "I'll take you." Johnny. "No, I want Grandma to take me." Mom. "Why can't I take you?" Johnny."Because Grandma's hand shakes."...
1 Comments, 111 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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GIRAFFE 9/20/2013
Two old spinster Maids were visiting their local zoo. As they approached the Giraffe enclosure one noticed that
one of the giraffes was standing close to the barrier. She commented to her companion that she could reach through
and pet the animal. Instead of patting the animal she reached through and squeezed
one of it's testicles.
As to be expected the animal jumped. It jumped high ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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PANCAKES 9/20/2013
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned
about his rather small penis.
After examining the , the doctor confidently declared,
'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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The Hypnotist at a Senior Citizen's Center 9/19/2013
It was entertainment night at the senior citizens'
center.
After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano,
it was time for the star of the show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience
into a trance.
"Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time."
said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence ...
2 Comments, 134 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
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The Indian With One Testicle. 9/18/2013
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose
given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that name
and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked
and said, ' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue ...
0 Comments, 112 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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A PRAYER FOR LEROY 9/17/2013
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said,
"Anyone with 'special needs" who wants
to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the
altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the
Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray
about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help
with my hearing."
The ...
0 Comments, 106 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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PUNS 9/17/2013
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he
can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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CHOICES 9/17/2013
If your wife or girlfriend ever asks, "If I were to arrange a three way for your birthday,
which of my friends would you choose?" NEVER give her two names!!!...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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FROG 9/17/2013
A six year old goes to the hospital with her grandmother
to visit her Grandpa.
When they get to the hospital, she runs ahead of her Grandma
and bursts into her Grandpa's room ....
"Grandpa, Grandpa, " she says excitedly,
"As soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise
like a frog!"
"What?" said her Grandpa.
"Please, please, please make a noise like a ...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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SPEEDING 9/17/2013
One Sunday, sitting on the side of the highway waiting to
catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car
puttering along at 22 MPH.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous
as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the
driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five little
old Indian ladies - two in the front seat and three in ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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GYM TODAY.... 9/17/2013
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Could only use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick,
It's great though. It provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars,
Snickers, Potato Crisps, the lot.."...
0 Comments, 51 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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I Love You Message 9/17/2013
There was a group of women at a seminar on how to live in a loving
relationship with your husband. The women were asked, “How many of you love your husbands?”
All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked,
“When was the last time you told your husband you loved
him?”
Some women answered today .... some yesterday .... some
didn’t remember.
The women ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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The Polish pickle factory 9/17/2013
Yossel worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in
the pickle slicer. Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help
from the factory psychologist. After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably
never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His ...
0 Comments, 66 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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laugh out loud 9/17/2013
does size matters I don't know?
0 Comments, 45 Views,
1 Votes
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laugh out loud 9/17/2013
does size matters I don't know?
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
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laugh out loud 9/17/2013
does size matters I don't know?
0 Comments, 8 Views,
0 Votes
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laugh out loud 9/17/2013
does size matters I don't know?
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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GREAT TASTE 9/16/2013
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year
old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good
liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that
the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy
downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten
years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked ...
0 Comments, 96 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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amusing 's song 9/15/2013
Not so much a joke, but something amusing. Any of you who
have probably have heard of the tv show Barney and Friends.
You would also so the main song that always play at the end.
Here is my version.
I love booze, booze loves me Holy shit I have to pee I'm so smashed I'm falling on the floor Alcoholic dinosaur!
While reading this, picture one of those stuffed Barney
dolls lying ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
1 Votes
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MISCOMMUNICATION 9/15/2013
The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her
-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened?" she asked anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened.
I sent an email to my wife --- your --- telling her
I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home
...and guess what I found? Your , Jean, in bed with
a naked guy! ...
0 Comments, 126 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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CHOICE 9/14/2013
Last night a complete stranger asked me if I liked breasts
or thighs, I told him that I preferred a hot, wet, pussy. Apparently that wasn’t an option with the KFC Bargain
Bucket....
1 Comments, 51 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Drill Instructor 9/13/2013
A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps, who had been a Drill
Instructor, took a new job as a high school teacher. Just
before the school year started, he injured his back. He
was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part
of his body, but fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt
and wasn't noticeable.
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the
toughest ...
0 Comments, 118 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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LOOK GOOD 9/12/2013
How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it....
0 Comments, 33 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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BIG FIRE 9/12/2013
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught fire....
0 Comments, 28 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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SMELLS??????????? 9/12/2013
Q: What's 40 feet long and smells like piss?
A: A conga line at the old folks home....
0 Comments, 18 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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CALL HIM???? 9/12/2013
A man is visiting Ireland for the first time and after a long
day of sightseeing, decides to stop by a traditional Irish
pub. He sees an older man sitting by himself at the bar as he walks
in and says hello to the man.
After a while and a few drinks, the old man says to the tourist
"Oy! You see this bar, laddie? Oie made this bar wit
me own two 'hands."
"That's great." replies ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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TURKEYS 9/12/2013
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're
dead."...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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INDEFINITELY 9/12/2013
What's the definition of indefinitely? When your balls are slapping up against her ass, you're
in ... definitely!...
1 Comments, 45 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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PERVERTS???? 9/12/2013
How many perverts does it take to put in a light bulb? Just one, but it takes the entire emergency room to get it
out!...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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COULD YOU GET MY SNEAKERS?????? 9/11/2013
A guy stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the
waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks,
"My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me
my sneakers please?"
The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's
daughters, both beautiful, who were home from college.
Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says:
"Hi, ...
0 Comments, 103 Views,
8 Votes
,3.71 Score
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GOOD GOLFER 9/11/2013
A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing
and hit his ball into a clump of trees.
He found his ball and saw an opening between two trees he
thought he could hit through.
Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit
a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed
him.
As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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MISSING HER 9/11/2013
Two men were golfing, and happened to be putting near the
road that ran past the golf course. Just then, a funeral
procession went by, and one of them bowed his head, took
off his hat, and held it over his heart until the procession
had moved past.
"Wow, " said his friend, "I didn't
know you could be so moved by the presence of a stranger's
funeral."
"I wouldn't say we were ...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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WOMEN DRIVERS 9/11/2013
This morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left
and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 MPH
with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her
eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple of seconds ......... to continue
shaving, and when I looked back she was half-way over in
my lane still working on her make-up.
As a man I don't scare that easily but ...
0 Comments, 77 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX 9/11/2013
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their
40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yelled, "When you die, I'm getting
a headstone that reads: Here lies my wife - Cold as ever."
"Yeah, " she replies, "when you die, I'm
getting a headstone that reads: Here lies my husband - Stiff at last."...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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CONFOUNDED SEX 9/11/2013
A man was in a terrible accident, and his manhood was mangled
and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give
him back his manhood, but his insurance wouldn't cover
the surgery as it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be
$3, 500 for "small", $6, 500 for "medium",
$14, 000 for "large"
The man was sure he would want medium ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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QUIET SEX 9/11/2013
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked
his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?"
She glanced at him and replied, "You're never
home!"...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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LOUD SEX 9/11/2013
A wife went to see a therapist and said, "I've
got a big problem, Doc. Everytime we're in bed and my husband climaxes,
he lets out an ear splitting yell."
"My dear, " the shrink says, "that's
completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."
"The problem is, " she complained, "It
wakes me up."...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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PENSION SEX 9/11/2013
Two men were talking. "So, How's your sex life?" "Oh, Nothing special. I am having pension sex."
"Pension sex?" "Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not
enough to live on."...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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RIGHT GIRL 9/11/2013
"When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried
all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed
a girl with ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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WARDEN QUESTIONED 9/10/2013
Warden questioned in the suicide of Ariel Castro...
When asked how Ariel Castro was able to kill himself the
warden replied...
"It was a snap."
Ariel Castro should have tried out for the NBA because his
hang time was longer than Michael Jordan's.
TOO SOON?...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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MY DOG 9/10/2013
A pretty young lady had a pet Chihuahua that had a pedigree
and she loved to enter it into shows. She was unhappy that every time she entered her in a show
it always won second prize in it's group. Frustrated with this she asked one of the judges why. He explained that her dog's coat was too long compared
to the winner of the group. She decided to get some hair remover
from the chemist to fix the ...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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SNEEZES 9/10/2013
A young lady goes to the Doctors. The young Lady says. "Doctor you have to help me. Every
time I sneeze I orgasm."
Doctor. "What are you taking for it?" Young Lady, "Pepper"....
0 Comments, 55 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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PET MONKEY 9/10/2013
A young girl moves inter-state to attend University. She finds the traveling to and from University takes a lot
of time so she asks her Father to send her the money for a motor
bike to make the trip shorter. Father sends her the money but on the way to the bike shop
she passes a pet shop and sees a baby Chimpanzee in the window.
She falls in love with it and decides to buy it with the money
Dad ...
0 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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WIFELY DUTIES????? 9/10/2013
A woman pregnant with her first paid a visit to her
obstetrician’s office. After the exam, she shyly said “My husband wants me to
ask you…, ” To which the doctor replies, “I know, I know, ” placing
a reassuring hand on her shoulder.”I get asked that all
the time. Making love is fine until late in the pregnancy.”
“No, that’s not it, ” the woman confessed “He
wants to know ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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GOLF 9/10/2013
A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she
collapses from a heart attack!
"Help me dear" she groans to her husband.
The husband calls 999 on his mobile phone, talks for a few
minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.
His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.
"I'm dying here and you're putting?"
"Don't worry dear" says ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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THE KINGDOM OF THAILAND: 9/10/2013
In the original native culture of Thailand, when males
reached the age of 18, they had to participate in the following
community ceremony:
They lay themselves stark naked in a large circle, feet
facing inward. A beautiful young naked girl kneels over
the ankles of each of the men. She places a blob of honey and
various crushed sweet fruits around his navel to attract
flies and insects. ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
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GHOST SEX 9/10/2013
GHOST SEX
A professor at the University of North Dakota was giving
a lecture on Paranormal Studies.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, 'How many people here believe in ghosts?'
About 90 students raise their hands.
Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe
in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?'
About 40 students raise ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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This is Priceless 9/10/2013
He's My Brother - This is Priceless
Two walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out
a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, ", how
old are you?"
"Eight, " the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used
for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they ...
1 Comments, 98 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score
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Dishwasher was broken 9/10/2013
Wanda's dishwasher was broken, so she called a Sears
repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
"I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher,
leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check.
Oh, by the way, don't worry about my dog, Spike. He won't
bother you. But, whatever you do, DO NOT, under ANY circumstances,
talk to my parrot!" ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Oranges 9/9/2013
A young teenaged girl was a and, for obvious
reasons, kept it a secret from her Grandma. One day, the
police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes,
including the young girl.
The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight
line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the
neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl became
frantic.
Sure ...
2 Comments, 187 Views,
9 Votes
,3.64 Score
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FROG IN YOUR THROAT 9/8/2013
A lonely woman is looking for an unusual pet. The pet store
owner brings her a frog and says, "This frog has been
trained to perform cunnilingus. Just $500.00!"
The woman buys the frog, takes it home, and lies on the floor
with her legs open. The frog does nothing. The woman angrily
returns to the pet store and complains about the frog's
non-performance.
"Show me what you did, " ...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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CROSS NUNS 9/8/2013
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling
through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and
are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere,
a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses
at them through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What
shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid
of ...
0 Comments, 68 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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SPELLING 9/8/2013
Remember the little Rascal's Well one day Ms Crabtree
asked who can spell "Dictate" immediately
Spanky hand goes up " He says D-I-C-K She says no sit down, Alfalfa stands up and starts D-E- she
stops him and say sit down, Buckwheat stands up and say 'D-I-C-T-A-T-E
, dictate. She says very good Buckwheat, now can you make
a sentence he says yes " Darla say my dick tate good"...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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FUNNY SIGNS 9/8/2013
FUNNY SIGNS: At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator) "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
Sign over a gynecologist's office "Dr. ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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OUCH!!!! 9/8/2013
Lorena Bobbitt's sister was arrested yesterday for
trying to do the same thing to her husband as her famous sister
had done several years ago.
The sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She missed the
target and stabbed her husband in the upper leg, causing
severe muscle and tendon damage.
She has been charged with a misdeweiner....
1 Comments, 62 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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TEN PUNS 9/8/2013
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm
sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
2. Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins
into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round
the world.
3. Two weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood
and became a ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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BLONDE HUMOR 9/8/2013
A blonde walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer,
He asks her anheisuer bush, she replies with fine, hows
your dick....
0 Comments, 65 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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BIKER GRANNY 9/8/2013
A little old Lady had always wanted to join a local biker
club, so one day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big,
hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker
requirements in order to join.
The biker asks; "Do you have a motorcycle?"
The ...
0 Comments, 80 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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FIRE TRUCK 9/8/2013
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station
when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly
coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has
the wagon tied to a and a cat.
The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look "That
sure is a nice fire truck, " he says ...
0 Comments, 59 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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DOUCHE 9/8/2013
Did you hear about the new douche they've made for women?
It's made of Marijuana, Arrid Deodorant, and Kentucky
Fried Chicken...
It leaves you high, dry, and finger licking good!...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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A NEW BEVERAGE 9/8/2013
Pfizer Corp. announced today that VIAGRA will soon be available
in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power
beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible
for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one!
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it
gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails",
"highballs" and a good old fashioned "stiff ...
1 Comments, 49 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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YOUNG & NAIVE 9/8/2013
The young country girl left home at a very young age to make
her fortune in the big city.
Her mother wrote several times over the first few months,
with no reply.
Finally, the girl sees a sign in a shop that advertises "Make
your own record". She thought she could make a record
for her mother to tell her how she is doing.
She walks in and asks how much to make a record. ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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SPORTING CHANCE 9/8/2013
A man suspects that his wife is having an affair, so one day
he sneaks home early toting his shotgun.
Sure enough, he finds his wife making love to his best friend.
He tells his wife to get out of the way and he levels the shotgun
at his friends balls.
His freind pleads with him to please at least give him a sproting
chance, since they were best freinds once... ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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FISHY?????? 9/8/2013
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have
been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my
boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a
week.".
"This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion
I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough
clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box? We're
leaving from the office and I will swing by ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
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The Pope went on vacation 9/8/2013
The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged
mountains of Alaska .. He was cruising along the campground
in the Pope Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion just at the
edge of the woods. He found a helpless Packer fan wearing
shorts, sandals, a 'Go Pack’ cheese hat and a “The
Pack rules” shirt. The man was screaming and struggling
frantically, thrashing all about, and ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
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Mess with seniors and you're going to lose! 9/8/2013
There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist
who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room
full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced
this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
A 75-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and
approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes
sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'
'There's ...
0 Comments, 65 Views,
0 Votes
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Marital Humor 9/8/2013
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping
for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados,
get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons
of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back
to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here. ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
Cheers 9/8/2013
One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm
Peterson: "Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of
buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And
when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This natural selection
is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed
and health of the whole group keeps improving by ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
(Love southern humor!!!!) 9/8/2013
A large jet plane crashed on a farm in the middle of rural
Kentucky .
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended
on the farm in force.
By the time they got there, the aircraft was totally destroyed
with only a burned hull left smoldering in a tree line that bordered
the farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could
find no remains of ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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SIGNS 9/7/2013
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his
job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there....
2 Comments, 55 Views,
7 Votes
,2.28 Score
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COLLEGE????? 9/7/2013
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.
As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red “H” on her
chest. “How did you get that mark on your chest?” asks
the doctor. “Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's
so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt,
even when we make love, ” she replies.
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a ...
0 Comments, 66 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
CUT IT 9/7/2013
Q: Why do elephants have four feet?
A: Because in the animal kingdom, six inches just doesn't
cut it....
0 Comments, 26 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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S&M 9/7/2013
Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives. Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week,
but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"
Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got
into S&M." Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would
have guessed that you'd go for that." "Oh, sure, " says Sally, "He snores while
I masturbate."...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
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FREUDIAN SLIP 9/7/2013
A man sits on a bus looking ashamed. The man next to him notices
and asks what is wrong.
He says that when he went to buy the bus ticket, the woman
serving him had the most unbelievable breasts, so he got
flustered and asked for two tickets to Tittsburgh instead
of Pittsburgh.
The man next to him laughs, "Don't worry about
that. We all make Freudian slips. This morning I was ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
BEST VIEW?????? 9/7/2013
Q: Where's the best view of falling stars in Los Angeles?
A: A rehab center.
0 Comments, 22 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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LEARN THE LANGAUGE 9/6/2013
In Texas there is a town called New Braunfels, where there
is a large German-speaking population.
One day, a local rancher driving down a country road noticed
a man using his hand to drink water from the rancher's
stock pond.
The rancher rolled down the window and shouted: "Sehr
angenehm! Trink das Wasser nicht. Die Kuehe haben darein
geschissen."
This means: “Glad to ...
0 Comments, 65 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
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friend sex 9/5/2013
A married couple has a long time friend visit. They have
not seen each other for many years. They decide to go out
and party. When they get back to the studio apt the couple
live in, they suggest that the friend stays with them, due
to all the drinking. The couple inform the friend that they
sleep in the nude, he should too and they will all share the
same bed, since they are long time friends. ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
A MEDICAL QUESTION 9/5/2013
Whats the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
THE TASTE..........
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
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A FEW LAUGHS 9/5/2013
The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for
making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we
should hold auditions for her part.
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next bowel movement could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was
my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours ...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
THAT SMELL 9/4/2013
A husband and his wife are driving down the road, they see
a skunk hurt and limping. They decided to stop and pick it
up and take it to a vet, the wife picks it up brings it into
the car, says to the hubby its cold and shaking, what should
I do? The hubby replies, put it under your dress and between your
legs. The wife says what about the smell? Hubby says..just hold his nose he'll be ok...[...
0 Comments, 65 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
6 9/4/2013
material for adding points always something to try. got
no choice
0 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
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Young doctor 9/4/2013
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace
a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany
him on his rounds, so the community could become used to
a new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been
a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably
been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the ...
0 Comments, 108 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
FOOD 9/2/2013
a hot walks into a bar and say's "bartender
I'll have a beer" bartender says" I'm sorry we don't serve
food here ! "...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
|
NO ONE GETS THIS ONE 9/2/2013
A snail walks into a bar, ,says bartender, " I'll
have a beer " bartender says we don't serve snails" and throws
the snail out of the bar, ,, , two weeks later the snail walks back into the bar and says"
what did you do that for !"...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
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I DREAM OF GENIE 9/2/2013
Bill is sitting in a pub and pulls out a tiny piano and a little
guy about a foot tall. The little guy sits down and starts
playing the piano quite beautifully. The fellow on the
next bar stool, Joe, says, 'That's amazing. Where
did you get him?' Bill says, 'Well, I got this magic lamp with a genie
inside. He granted me one wish.' 'That's great, could I use it?' Bill agrees and hands him the ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
HEAD? 9/1/2013
A group of U.S. scientist got together and did a study on
why the head of a man's penis is bigger than the shaft.
after much study and discussion they came to the conclusion
that it was to give a man more pleasure during sex.
not to be outdone a group of British scientist did their
own study but came to a different conclusion. their answer
was that it was to give more pleasure to the ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
OH BOY A BLONDE JOKE 9/1/2013
A blonde and a brunette were walking along a road. The brunette
says
"Hey look a dead bird!"
The blonde looks up in the sky and says
"Where?"...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
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THICKER 9/1/2013
Kleenex man size:
Because cum is thicker than snot....
0 Comments, 32 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
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TASTE 9/1/2013
Wife and husband have bought condoms with different flavors.
- Darling, I will turn off the light, put one on and you guess
the flavor. As soon as he turns off the light, she takes it in the mouth
and says: - Gorgonzola! - Wait, it is not on yet....
0 Comments, 79 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
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HUNGRY BUM 9/1/2013
A man goes to the doctor's and says, 'Doctor, I
rally need some help. I can't seem to get an erection.'
The doctor examines him carefully and suggests a number
of remedies - all to no avail. 'Herbal remedies, Viagra, hydraulic pumps - nothing
seems to work, ' says the man. 'Well, ' the doctor says, 'There ia a last-ditch
option. Scientists at the local hospital are doing some
experimental work ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
138? sounds like fun 9/1/2013
What's a 138?
Dinner for four.
Which is better 69 or 77?
77 because you get 8 more.
0 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
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ACCIDENT 8/31/2013
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside
the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.
You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little
things just seem funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it. He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'
So, I looked down at ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
WINDY DAY 8/31/2013
3 Couples decide to play a round of golf.. The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and
reveals her lack of underwear. 'Good God, Woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?',
Ole demanded. Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money
to afford any.' The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
'For the ...
1 Comments, 104 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
|
Sheep Joke 8/31/2013
A guy walks into the marital bedroom with a sheep upder his
arm and says to his wife "This is the pig i have sex with
when you've got a headache"
To which the wife retorts "I think you'll find
its a sheep"
To which the guy replies " I think you'll find
I was talking to to the sheep"
0 Comments, 94 Views,
12 Votes
,0.68 Score
|
|
Using logic... 8/31/2013
An old country preacher......had a teenage , and it
was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing
a profession. Like many young Men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and
he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while
the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed
on his study table four ...
0 Comments, 81 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
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TO EXPENSIVE 8/30/2013
A man goes to a bar and meets an after talking to her
for a bit, he asks her, "Alright. Enough talk. How
much is it gonna cost me for a handjob?"
"$50, " She says.
"$50 for a handjob? You've got to be kidding me!"
He replies. "Come over here, " She says. "See
that car outside?" She points to the window. He looks
out, and sees a brand new sports car.
"Wow, that looks ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score
|
|
FOOD PLAY 8/30/2013
To liven my sex life up my girlfriend and I thought we'd
try a little food play. How did it go? asked my friend Great I replied, I even slipped a few grapes up her ass. Ouch!! said my friend, did she scream he asked. No! but she did let out a little wine....
0 Comments, 67 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
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THE QUEEN???? 8/29/2013
The Queen was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around
the royal stable, when one of the stallions close by farted
so loudly it couldn't be ignored. "Oh dear, " said the Queen, "How embarrassing.
I'm frightfully sorry about that." "It's
quite understandable, " said the Archbishop, and
after a moment, added, "as a matter of fact I thought
it was the ."...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
THE MONKEY 8/29/2013
A man is hitch-hiking up the dual carriageway when a lorry
stops for him. As he climbs into the cab he notices a monkey
sitting on the dashboard. After chatting for a few miles,
he asks the driver what the monkey is for. The driver says,
"I'll show you." He hits the monkey very
hard with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature
rolling across the cab. The monkey picks itself up and ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
FAIR DEAL 8/29/2013
A couple had just bought a new house. The husband turned
to his wife and asked her to go to the hardware store and get
a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left. When she
got to the hardware store, she found the hinge she wanted
and put it on the counter in front of the clerk. He noticed
that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her,
"Do you want a screw for that hinge?" She ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
TOO MUCH MEDS?????? 8/29/2013
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the
doctor had prescribed the male hormone testosterone for
her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects
she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me
have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're
giving me too much. I've started growing excess body
hair." The doctor reassured her, "A little hair growth ...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
A LAWYER 8/29/2013
A lawyer is standing in a long queue at the box office. Suddenly,
he feels a pair of hands massaging his shoulders, back,
and neck. The lawyer turns around and says, "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping
in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me
screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"...
0 Comments, 81 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
NICE GARDEN 8/29/2013
A beautiful woman loved gardening, but couldn't seem
to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll
she came upon a neighbor who had the most beautiful garden
full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman,
"What do you do to get your tomatoes red?" The
gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato plants
and flop my willy out, and my tomatoes ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
CONFUSED NURSE 8/29/2013
Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining
about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb.
She does everything absolutely backwards." said
one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient
2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10
milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier
this week, I told her to ...
0 Comments, 81 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
GET USED TO IT...... 8/29/2013
An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual
physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says,
"I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have
a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."
"But Doctor, " Bill replied, "I feel
great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't
be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"
After a moment the doctor ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
TOO DRUNK 8/29/2013
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A
few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard
from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud
scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why
the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming
about in there? You're scaring the customers!"
"I'm just ...
0 Comments, 65 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
MOVE OVER 8/29/2013
pubic hair is like parsley, you always move it to one side when your eating...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
RINGS 8/29/2013
A man wakes up after an epic night of partying and sees two
rings around his cock. One is red, the other is brown. Horrified,
he goes to his doctor, who takes samples of the substances
from off his wrinkle-stick and analyzes them.
After a short wait, he comes back to the exam room. "I have good news. The red ring was just ordinary lipstick.
" says the doctor. The man breathes a sigh of ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
SHERIFF EXAM 8/29/2013
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big,
6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang.
He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only
dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy
finally called him into his office for the young ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
HOW MANY???? 8/28/2013
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with
a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many
is a brazilian?"...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
PRECIOUS 8/28/2013
A naive young girl from a small town was visiting friends
in San Francisco. She phoned her mom to let her know how she was getting along.
"Things are rather strange here. I see men who hold
hands, kiss and hug each other. They're called 'gays' or homosexuals. Even
more surprising, there are women here who do the same things
and they are referred to as 'lesbians'. You probably won't believe ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
GO HOME 8/28/2013
A guy on a date parks and gets the girl in the back seat and
they make love. The girl wants it again, and the guy obliges her. She wants
more, and they do it again. She still wants more, so the guy
Says, "Excuse me a minute. I have to go relieve myself."
While out of the car, he notices a guy a half block away changing
a flat. He asks the guy, "Look, I've got this gal in my car,
and ...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
ENERGIZER BUNNY FOUND DEAD 8/28/2013
Today, the world was stunned by the news of the death of the
Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe
that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 pm last evening.
Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going,
and going, and going, "Pinkie, " as he was known
to his friends and relatives, was alone at the time of death.
He is survived by his equally ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
|
GOLF 8/28/2013
A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself
to play for more than three months and she is really bad.
She decides to consult a golf pro.
When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and
he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball
goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right.
The golf pro says to the woman, "I can see that you ...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
AGAIN????? 8/28/2013
Two guys in a bar are watching the TV. There is a news report
about a man who threatens to jump off a 5 story building unless
the cops give him 3000 dollars. One guy at the bar says to the other: "I bet you 100 bucks
the guy jumps". The other guy takes the bet, and the
guy on the TV ends up jumping. The guy hands over the $100, but the winner gives it back,
saying that he had already seen the guy ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
BEARS 8/28/2013
A bear walks into a bar an says to the bar tender, "I
would like a bourbon and...... a coke." The bar tender
says "What's up with the big pause?" The
bear said "I've had them all my life...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
TO DRUNK 8/28/2013
There was once a man who was in a bar, terribly drunk. The
bartender noticed this, and when he asked for another beer,
the bartender politely told him that he was too drunk to
be served another drink. The man leaves. He walks in the side door and asks the bartender
for a beer. A little frustrated, the bartender repeats
the answer he said before. The man leaves. He then comes in the other side ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
NO EARS 8/28/2013
A man with no ears is trying to find a new reporter for their
news show. The first guy walks in and the boss says, "This job
requires you noticing a lot of details. What is one thing
you notice about me?" And the guy says, "Well
shit! You got no ears man!" So the boss yells "Get
the hell out!". So the next guy comes in and the boss says to him, "This
job requires you noticing a lot of details. ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
BIRTHDAY 8/28/2013
It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it.
At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the
man says, "It's my birthday today." "Oh,
happy birthday, how old are you?, " asks the Post
Office worker. "33, " says the man. "Well,
have a good day, " says the worker. "Thank you, "
replied the man. To get home, the man has to take the bus. At ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
JINX 8/28/2013
After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on
his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel
before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?"
He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught
pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me
back to health."
To which the wife nods her head and he continues, ...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
CAP 8/28/2013
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first
has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body,
just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash"
they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy
with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight
to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
YOU SICK??????? 8/28/2013
This guy goes into a whorehouse and tells the mistress he
wants to eat out a girl for the first time. She sends him up
and he meets this deadly blonde chick. She whips down her
pants and he starts licking her twat. Minutes later he feels
something in his mouth and spits out a corn niblets. Thinking
this is normal, as he has never done it before continues
eating her out. Minutes pass and he finds ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Startled by a late model car 8/28/2013
My neighbor was working in his yard when he was startled
by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge
and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and
sat her down on a lawn chair. He said with excitement, "You appear quite elderly
to be driving."
"Well, yes, I am, " she replied proudly. "I'll
be 97 next month, and I am now ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Nair 8/28/2013
This lady found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly
hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet quickly discovered that the problem was ear wax
and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to
keep this from recurring, she should go to the store, get some "Nair" hair remover, and rub it in ...
0 Comments, 59 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
KNITTING???? 8/27/2013
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car
on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window,
he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel
was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver,
"Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!"
the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
QUESTION????? 8/27/2013
Q. What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
A. Popeye almost killed him!...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
HOW OFTEN?????? 8/27/2013
John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens
his first office. After some successful advertising he
is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group
therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.
To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides
to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
CATCHING IT ALL 8/27/2013
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office
and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome
she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing
her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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STEALING SAMPLES 8/27/2013
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and
holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open
the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a
sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!"
he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside
are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of
those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him
"BUT, they are ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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READY FOR SEX?????????? 8/27/2013
A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had
curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp
on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached
over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this
only for a very short while then stopped and went back to
reading his book.
The wife got up and started stripping in front of him. The
husband was ...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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AGAIN?????? 8/27/2013
A blonde walks into a dry cleaners and drops her dress off,
and heads for the door. The assistant shouts, 'Come
again'. The blonde replies, 'No, it was toothpaste
this time!!!'...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
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NEW CASE 8/27/2013
The Mother Superior calls all the nuns together. She then
says to them, " I must tell you something very serious.
We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
A nun in the back responds, "Thank God! I'm so
tired of Zinfandel."...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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MONKEYS AREN'T SO DUMB 8/26/2013
A man and a monkey walk into a bar. The monkey grabs some olives
off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the balls.
To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth,
and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Did you see
what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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GOLF INJURY 8/26/2013
Two women were playing golf.One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next
hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands
together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded
to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began
to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a ...
0 Comments, 61 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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TRUCKER 8/26/2013
A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops
at a brothel outside Las Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"
The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one
of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."
The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’, I’m not
horny ...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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LOOK?????? 8/26/2013
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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PANTIES 8/26/2013
Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon.
“Shit!” said the first guy, “As soon as I get home,
I’m gonna rip the wife’s panties off!” “What’s
the rush?” his friend asked. “The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me.” the
guy replied....
0 Comments, 61 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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UGLY??????? 8/26/2013
A man is sitting at home alone when he hears a knock at the
front door. He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies
there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies
asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.”
The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s
wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show
them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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DR'S VISIT 8/26/2013
This guy visits the doctors and says, “Doc… I think
I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”
The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with
you.” The next day, the guy shows up with his wife.
The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and
lie on the table.”
She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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SHEEP ARE COMING HOME 8/26/2013
A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.
After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are
getting pregnant, and so he phones a vet for help. The vet
tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means,
but not wanting to show his ignorance, he asks the vet how
he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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LOST GRANDPA 8/26/2013
A small grandson that was shopping with his grandfather
got lost in the mall. The boy approached a uniformed security guard and said,
“I’ve lost my grandpa!” The guard asked, “What’s his name?” The boy replied,
“Grandpa.” The guard smiles, then asks “What’s he like?” to
which the little tyke hesitated for a moment and replied,
“10 year old malt whiskey and women with ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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KINGS 8/26/2013
Little Bobby was sitting in class when the teacher asked
him “Can you tell me the name of three great kings who have
brought happiness and joy into people’s lives?” To
which little Bobby replied “Smo-king, Drin-king and
Fuc-king”....
0 Comments, 49 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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THE POPE IS HAVING A SHOWER 8/26/2013
Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he
occasionally feels the need to empty his scrotal sacs,
and this is one of these occasions. Just as he shoots his load, he sees a photographer taking
a picture of the holy seed flying through the air.
"Hold on a minute" says the Pope. "You
can't do that. You'll destroy the reputation
of the Catholic Church."
"This picture ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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ROSE 8/26/2013
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember
his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they
are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most Important part,
and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening
carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just
one finger and thumb, sniff the rose ...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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GOLD????? 8/26/2013
A woman goes to the doctor's office. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your
opinion on."
"Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" he
asked.
"Well, it's easier if I show you, " she
said and, standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was
down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining
table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles
on her ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
0 Votes
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HOWARD 8/25/2013
A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked
at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother, Howard. Is he here?"
"No, he went with Mom and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from
one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself. The boy said "I know where all the tools ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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PJs 8/25/2013
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
1 Comments, 45 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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ONE HOUR?????? 8/25/2013
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was
lecturing her students on sexual morality.
"We live today in very difficult times for young people.
In moments of temptation, " she said, "ask
yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth
a lifetime of shame?"
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse
me, but how do you make it last an ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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WHO LIKES WHAT?????????? 8/25/2013
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give
me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of
a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is
gay."
The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for
the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem
was today the answer came back, "I've just found
out that my younger ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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8/25/2013
Maria gets married and has 17 . Then her husband
dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22
by her next husband. Then he dies. A few weeks later, she
dies. At the funeral, the priest looks skyward. "At
least they're finally together." "Excuse
me, Father, " says one of her sons, "but do you
mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"
.......... "I mean her legs."...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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FIX MY CAR?????? 8/25/2013
There was a guy riding through the desert on his camel. He
had been travelling so long that he felt the need to have
sex. Obviously there were no women in the desert so the man
turned to his camel. He tried to position himself to have sex with his camel but
the camel ran away. The man ran to catch up to the camel and
got back on and started to ride again. Soon he was feeling
the urge to have sex ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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LIGHTS OUT 8/25/2013
Little Johnny and his two friends are sitting on the front
porch one day. The first one says, "My Daddy is so cool he can eat four
Burgers at one meal." The second one says, "That's nothing. My Daddy
can eat six." Little Jonny starts laughing and says, "My Daddy
can eat light bulbs." The other two boys tell Jonny that he is out of his mind. They
ask him why he thinks His daddy can eat light ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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SWIM & RIDE 8/25/2013
Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine years
old and the other one is four years old. The nine year old
grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the
register for checkout. The cashier asks, "Oh, these
must be for your mom, huh?" The nine-year-old replies "Nope, not for my mom."
Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well,
they must be for your sister then?" The ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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BANK 8/25/2013
How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank? You call them up and tell them you can't come.
0 Comments, 36 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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TRUTH?????? 8/25/2013
A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her
husband's best friend. They had sex for hours, and
afterwards, while they're just laying there, the
phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver.
Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her
side of the conversation... She is speaking in a cheery
voice) "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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MY DREAM WOMAN 8/25/2013
"When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.
When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion.
So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried
all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed
a girl with stability. When ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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TIGHT 8/25/2013
This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places
the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..."
she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts
moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes
another one. She's really starting to get worked up
when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire
hand in, when she says moaning ...
0 Comments, 46 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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You're very welcome.. 8/25/2013
Until recently, I didn't know this... A slave from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending
a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years
ago in Greece .. In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed
naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed
freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout
the variety of events.
At the ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
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You're laughing aren't you? 8/25/2013
A little boy blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all
around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to
stop it as he's liable to break something, but the boy
continues. "Johnny!" Mom screams. "Knock
it off." You're going to break something.
He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the
shopping center. Johnny ...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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"Why is that?" 8/25/2013
Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other,
"You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman
that your eyes burn, your nose runs and you get all teary-eyed?"
The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."
The other says, "Why is that?"
The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."
0 Comments, 58 Views,
0 Votes
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Empathy for a homesick snowbird 8/25/2013
I was in Bonita Springs, FL the other day. I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss Chicago ."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the
tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that
read, "I hope this helps.”
0 Comments, 46 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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"I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. 8/25/2013
A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before
she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young
man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for, " said the man.
"I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow.
I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you,
bring you food every day, and keep you ...
0 Comments, 51 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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bikes 8/24/2013
girls who ride bikes pedal their ass all over town]...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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HOW DO YOU CATCH A RABBIT 8/24/2013
How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it!
0 Comments, 17 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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A LITTLE HELP????? 8/24/2013
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack,
(Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses
and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see
the horses.
When it was time to take the to the bathroom, it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other. ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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CONFUCIUS SAY AGAIN 8/24/2013
Confucius Say The Army is like a blow job. The closer you get to discharge,
the better it feels.
Confucius Say Women are like convertibles. They're both more fun
with their top down.
Confucius Say Viagra is like Disneyland... a one hour wait for a 2-minute
ride.
Confucius Say A Rubix cube is like a penis. The longer you play with it,
the harder it gets.
0 Comments, 26 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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CONFUCIUS SAY 8/24/2013
Confucius Say A Greek tampon is called "Abzorba the Leak."
Confucius Say Treat your woman like your vacuum cleaner. If she stops
sucking, replace the bag.
Confucius Say Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you
need is 2 hearts and a diamond. A few years later you'll
want a club and a spade.
0 Comments, 18 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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LITTLE TOMMY 8/24/2013
One day, little Tommy is walking back home after school.
He opens the front door, and sees his father banging his
mother doggy-style on top of the kitchen table. With a nervous
smirk, his father jumps down, and says, "We didn't
realize you'd be home so early! Go downstairs, and
I'll come talk to you in a few hours." Head hung
low, little Tommy recedes down the stairs whimpering the
whole way. ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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BLONDE 8/24/2013
Two blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went
past loaded up with rolls of sod.
"I'm going to do that when I win the lottery, "
announced Blonde #1.
"Do what?", asked Blonde #2.
"Send my lawn out to be mowed."
0 Comments, 38 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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WOMEN'S REVENGE 8/24/2013
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding
items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No, ' she replied, 'but my husband refused
to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him ...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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THE SILENT TREATMENT 8/24/2013
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need
his wife to wake him at 5 0 AM for an early morning business
flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE),
he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00
AM.' He left it where he knew ...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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WHO DOES WHAT? 8/24/2013
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should
brew the coffee each morning..
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around
here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I
can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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WORDS 8/24/2013
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day....
30, 000 to a man's 15, 000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have
to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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WIFE VS. HUSBAND 8/24/2013
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep, ' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
1 Comments, 46 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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MARRIAGE SEMINAR 8/24/2013
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,
Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know each
other's likes and dislikes.'
He addressed the man,
'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
1 Comments, 40 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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TAINT?????? 8/24/2013
A man and his best friend are sitting on the sofa and love
seat, respectively, arguing about the area of skin between
their dick and their asshole. What is it called, a taint
or a runway?
The man's wife come into the room, wondering what they
are arguing about. The man says to his wife what is that area
called between your dick and the asshole?
Wife replies.... The coffee table?
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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PICKLE SLICER 8/24/2013
A guy went to see his psychologist and tells him he has a great
temptation to put his penis in the pickle slicer at work,
he goes on to say the more he thinks about it the harder he
gets. The shrink tells him about the extreme damage and
pain it would cause.
This went on for several months at every visit with the doctor,
he would talk about how bad he wanted to put his dick in the
pickle ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Let have a laugh 8/24/2013
I had posted this long ago.
Q & A..........FUNNY!!!!
Q.) What's the speed limit of sex? A.) 68 because at 69 you eat it.
Q.) What does a Rubix cube and a penis have in common? A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.
Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and
your dick? A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!
...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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"Bring them all as well," 8/24/2013
One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when
he saw two men along the road-side eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food, " the
poor man replied. "Wehave to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll
feed ...
0 Comments, 37 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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LONE RANGER 8/23/2013
One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding
when Lone Ranger stops to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes
over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams.
He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been
bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor
what to do."
So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor,
Lone Ranger has been bit ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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CHANGE ANYONE?????? 8/23/2013
This women goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I don't
know what's up with me, Every time I go to the toilet
for a pee, these 5 pennies come out
The Doctor said, go home and put your feet up and just rest
then come back in a weeks time
The following week the woman goes back and says, Doctor
it's getting worse, when I go to the toilet now, these
10 pennies are coming out ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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YE GODS 8/23/2013
Thor, the Viking God of Thunder, and Odin, the King of the
Gods, are enjoying a flagon of mead in Valhalla, the Norse
heaven. Suddenly, Thor turns to Odin. 'You know, my Lord, ' he says, thoughtfully thumbing
his mystical hammer. 'Being a God is brilliant, but
it's been millennia since I had any sex.' Odin nodded and pondered for a while. Raising his mighty
head, he took pity on his ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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NO GUILT 8/23/2013
A man walks into a pub and orders a drink. He drinks it quickly
and then pees all over the bar. The landlord is furious and
tells the man to get out. He apologizes profusely, saying
he doesn't know what came over him, and that he will
see a psychiatrist and get help.
A week later, the man goes back into the pub, orders a drink,
and does the same thing.
Again, the furious ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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NOW WHERE? 8/23/2013
Following the dramatic escape from a burning freight vessel,
two men are adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through
the boat's provisions, one of them finds an old lamp.
Remembering old wives' tales of luck, he rubs the lamp
vigorously - and to the amazement of the castaways, a genie
emerges from the spout and offers them one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the first ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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MY AGE???? 8/23/2013
An old guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of forty-year
old Scotch. The bartender, not wanting to give up the good
liquor, pours a shot of ten-year Scotch and figures that
the guy won't be able to tell the difference. The guy
downs the Scotch and says: "This Scotch is only ten
years old! I specifically asked for forty-year old Scotch."
Amazed, the bartender reaches into a locked ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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MEN JUST CAN'T WIN 8/23/2013
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from
the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.
If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing
bum
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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WHAT MORE??????? 8/23/2013
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding,
economical and a good cook….. But the law allows only one wife.
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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THE MAILMAN'S LAST DAY 8/23/2013
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years
of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the
same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted
by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent
him on his way with big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine
cigars.
The folks at the ...
0 Comments, 41 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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GIRLS NIGHT OUT 8/23/2013
The other day, my friends and I went to a ladies' night
club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so
she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over
to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt
cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill.
She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck
it to his other butt cheek. ...
0 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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STOP SEEING MY WIFE!!!!!!! 8/23/2013
"Boy, I'm scared, " John said to one of
his friends.
"I got a letter from a guy who said he'd break my
legs if I didn't stop seeing his wife."
"Well, " replied his friend, "I guess
you'll have to stop seeing his wife."
"Easy for you to say."
"You like her that much?" the friend asks.
"It's not that, " declared John.
.
.
. ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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FLY OFF???????? 8/23/2013
Q. Why did the condom fly across the room? A. Because it got pissed off.
0 Comments, 17 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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QUESTION?????? 8/23/2013
Q. What did the cock say to the condom? A. Cover me up I'm goin' in.
0 Comments, 9 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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QUESTION?????? 8/23/2013
Q. What did the cock say to the condom? A. Cover me up I'm goin' in.
0 Comments, 6 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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365 CONDOMS 8/23/2013
Q. What do you call 365 condoms rolled into 1? A. A Good Year
0 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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RECYCLE 8/23/2013
Q. How do you recycle a condom? A. Turn it inside out and shake the fuck out of it
0 Comments, 10 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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500 pounds 8/23/2013
What do you call a 500 pound woman with a condom in her hand?
A. A half ton pickup, with a box liner!!
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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WHAT SIZE? 8/23/2013
Harry noticed he was running low on rubbers, so he stopped
by the local drugstore. “What size?” asked the blonde pharmacist’s assistant
sweetly. When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size. The blonde
led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and told him
to enter her. He was delighted to oblige. “Size six, ” she told him after a moment. “Now, take
it out. How many?” Harry ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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what do they call a women 8/22/2013
what do they call awomem who rides her bike around town
she pedals her all over town
0 Comments, 34 Views,
4 Votes
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Are you having any side effects?" 8/22/2013
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed
to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see
him. "I have some good news and some bad news, "
says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove
your right arm!"
"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing
is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"
"The good news is, I have ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Are you a doctor? " 8/21/2013
A father walks into a restaurant with his young . He gives
the young boy 3 nickels to play with to keep him occupied.
Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and
starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up 2 of the
nickels, but keeps choking. Looking at his , the father
is panicking, shouting for help. ...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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"AH" 8/21/2013
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting
through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes
striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is
being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation.
The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's
ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Is that what happened? 8/21/2013
Sex After Surgery
A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman,
one Anne Jones, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her
husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied ... "Mr. Jones was admitted in Ophthalmology – all we did was correct his eyesight."
0 Comments, 66 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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This is for you old folks 8/11/2013
Tetanus Shot. (This is for you old folks, I.e., anyone over (or close to)
60 is eligible! )
An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from
the couch then starts putting on his coat.
His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, ”Where
are you going?”
He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'
She says, 'Why, are you sick?' He says, 'Nope,
I'm going ...
4 Comments, 162 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score
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grew up wanting to be a lawman 8/11/2013
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and
fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the
air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only
dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.
After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy
finally called him into his ...
0 Comments, 116 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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The Sensuous Wife 8/11/2013
"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"...the
woman asked her husband.
"No"...said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or
4 buttons of her blouse...and slowly reached down into
the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra...and
pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her ...
0 Comments, 122 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Confused? 8/11/2013
I become confused when I hear the word "Service "
used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service' US Postal 'Service' Cable TV 'Service' Civil 'Service' Federal, State, City, & public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them
said he had bought a bull to 'Service' his cows. ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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Test 8/10/2013
The last question was on the biology test was, 'Name
seven advantages of Mother's Milk. The question was
worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven
advantages. However, he wrote: 1) It is perfect formula
for the . 2) It provides immunity against several diseases. 3) It is always the right temperature. 4) It is inexpensive. 5) It bonds the to ...
0 Comments, 112 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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Misc Humor 8/10/2013
Wedding At a wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the one
person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
Sex Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s
husband.
Lance Armstrong I think it is just terrible and disgusting ...
1 Comments, 94 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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commercial airline flight 8/10/2013
During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air
Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe
in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for
landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly
as possible. The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking,
he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various
baby-related items.
When ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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EMPLOYEE NOTICE 8/10/2013
Due to the current sequester, the Government has decided
to implement a scheme to put all workers 50 years of age and
above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs
and reducing unemployment.
This scheme will be known as R.PE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be R.PED can apply to the Government
to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After ...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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pushing carts around Wal-Mart 8/10/2013
Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around
Wal-Mart when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that.
I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying
attention to where I was going."
The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence.
I'm looking for my wife, too... I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The old guy ...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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awaiting surgery 8/10/2013
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his , a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to
his .
"Yes, Dad , what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, ; do your best, and just
remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens
to me, your mother is going to come and live with ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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distraught senior citizen 8/10/2013
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.
"Is it true, " she wanted to know, "that
the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"
"'Yes, I'm afraid so, "' the
doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,
"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my
condition because this prescription is marked 'NO ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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... 8/8/2013
A guy walks into a bar waving a gun shouts "whos been
screwing my wife?" the bartender yells "YOUR
GONNA NEED MORE AMMO!"
0 Comments, 58 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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non-racist version of "SnowWhite 8/8/2013
Walt Disney's new film called "Jet Black, "
the non-racist version of "SnowWhite, " has
been put on hold.
All of the 7 dwarfs: Dealer, Stealer, Mugger, Forger, Drive
By, , and Drugie have refused to sing "Hi Ho"
because they say it offends black prostitutes.
They also say they have no intention of singing "It's
off to work we go."
1 Comments, 85 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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Remember when O. J. was acquitted 8/8/2013
Remember when O. J. was acquitted, and all the white people
protested, rioted, looted, and raised hell all over the
country and the Attorney General, the Dept. of Justice,
and the President decided to get involved?
. . . me neither.
0 Comments, 90 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
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Puddles 8/6/2013
3 Penguins walk into a bar...
1st Penguin asks the bartender for a beer, bartender asks
" so how as your day", he looks up and says it was
a long day and ive been in and out of puddles all day.
2nd Penguine asks for a shot, bartender says what about
you big man?.. he says well my day was pretty good except
for car problems and ive been in and out of puddles all day.
the ...
1 Comments, 109 Views,
6 Votes
,2.23 Score
|
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Everywhere 8/5/2013
A woman approaches her husband one morning after he'd
been out one too many times the night before. "You
can't go go out anymore without me. We never go anywhere
anymore." He says: "Hey, I used to take you everywhere. I'd
drive out to the country, to the mountains, to the lake,
to different cities even different countries. Everywhere."
To which she replies "Well why did you stop?" ...
2 Comments, 136 Views,
6 Votes
,1.94 Score
|
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Disappointment 8/2/2013
When it comes to sex, it seems that one person will always
be disappointed.
Thank god it's never been me.
- Drew Carey (when he was still funny)
0 Comments, 65 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
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Truck for Sale 8/2/2013
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a new Chevrolet Avalanche
and his parents began to yell and scream, 'Where did
you get that truck???!!!'
He calmly told them, 'I bought it today.'
'With what money?' demanded his parents. They
knew what a Chevrolet Avalanche cost.
'Well, ' said the boy, 'this one cost me just
fifteen dollars..'
So the parents began to yell ...
0 Comments, 169 Views,
13 Votes
,3.65 Score
|
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The meaning of stress 8/2/2013
You pick up a hitchhiker, a beautiful girl.
Suddenly she faints inside your car and you take her to the
hospital. That's stressful.
At the hospital the nurses say she is pregnant and congratulate
you that you're going to be a father. You say that you
are not the father, but the girl says you are. This is getting
very stressful!
You request a DNA test to prove that you ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
|
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New Chevy Truck 8/2/2013
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a
look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took
it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel"
before they become extinct.
The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change"
lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck
and all its "wonderful"options. The seats
were of particular interest. He ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
|
|
New Chevy Truck 8/2/2013
I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a
look at the new Silverado 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took
it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel"
before they become extinct.
The salesman (a black man wearing an Obama "change"
lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck
and all its "wonderful"options. The seats
were of particular interest. He ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
Grandpa's Drink 8/2/2013
There was a family gathering, with all generations around
the table. Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into
Grandpa's drink, and after a while, Grandpa excused
himself because he had to go to the bathroom.
When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.
'What happened, Grandpa?' asked by his concerned
.
Well, ' he answered, 'I don't really know.
I had ...
1 Comments, 153 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score
|
|
Diary Of A Mad Viagra Housewife: 8/2/2013
Dear Diary:
Day 1 Just celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary with not
much to celebrate. When it came time to re-enact our wedding
night, he locked himself in the bathroom and cried.
Day 2 Today, he says he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent,
he says, and he wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't
he tell me something I don't know! I mean, gimme a break.
He's ...
0 Comments, 112 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
|
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Texan Divorce 8/2/2013
Storming into his lawyer's office, a Texas oil magnate
demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against
his young bride.
"What's the problem?"
"I want to hit that adulterin' bitch for breach
of contract, " snapped the oil man.
"I don't know if that will fly, " said the
lawyer. "I mean your wife isn't a piece of property;
you don't own her!"
"Damn ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
|
|
Loud Orgasm 8/2/2013
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've
got a big problem doctor. Every time we're in bed and
my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear-splitting yell."
"My dear, " the shrink said, "that's
completely natural. I don't see what the problem is?"
"The problem is, " she complained, "It
wakes me up."
0 Comments, 107 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
|
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Playing Doctor 8/2/2013
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making
with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why
don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?
That's what I do, " said Irving.
"Sounds great, " Morris replied, "but
how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
0 Comments, 63 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
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Playing Doctor 8/2/2013
Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making
with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why
don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?
That's what I do, " said Irving.
"Sounds great, " Morris replied, "but
how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
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Cigarettes 8/2/2013
Man's wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.
So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he
goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the
bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.
They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another
and they end up in her apartment. After they've had
their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
|
|
West Coast Disaster 8/1/2013
Rumors are circulating in California that radical Muslims
are planning to go on a rampage in both Los Angeles and San
Francisco, killing anyone who is white, straight and born
in the U.S.A.
Police fear the death toll could be as high as 49 .
0 Comments, 85 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
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A little pussy 8/1/2013
A man, feeling a little frisky one day, says to his wife:
"hey, I'd like a little pussy." She says; "me too, mines the size of a house."
A knock off, I know, but funny, no?
0 Comments, 58 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
|
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abstinence 7/31/2013
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become
members of his church. The minister said that they would
have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and
tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged
and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it was no ...
1 Comments, 90 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
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devil inside the church 7/30/2013
One Sunday morning, Satan appeared before a small town
congregation. Everyone started screaming and running
for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic
effort to get away.
Soon, everyone was gone, except for an elderly gentleman
who sat calmly. Satan walked up to the man and said, "Don't
you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, ...
1 Comments, 104 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
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cheating 7/30/2013
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl
named Clearly.
Suddenly, Lorraine died.
At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, "I can
see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone."
1 Comments, 82 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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funeral 7/30/2013
A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away.
As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally
bump into a wall.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that
the woman is actually alive.
She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another
funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers
carry out the casket.
As ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
bride and broom 7/30/2013
Two brooms are getting married. Before the ceremony, the
bride broom says to the groom broom, "I think I'm
going to have a whisk."
The groom broom says, "How can that be possible? We
haven't even swept together!"
0 Comments, 62 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
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banister 7/30/2013
A man comes home from work to find his wife sliding down the
banister.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Warming up your dinner."
0 Comments, 61 Views,
0 Votes
|
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Twelve inches 7/28/2013
A man is walking down the street when he is suddenly smitten
by the most beautiful woman that he has ever seen. Instantly
he is in love! He runs up to her and says "lady, you are
the most gorgeous creature that I have ever laced eyes on,
I will do anything and everything for the rest of my life
if you will go out with me." She says, "Sorry, I only date men with a twelve inch
penis. If you have ...
0 Comments, 140 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
Asking For Directions 7/27/2013
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?
A: Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
0 Comments, 39 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Sex Is Like Riding A Bike 7/27/2013
Q: Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?
A: You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as
much fun.
0 Comments, 27 Views,
0 Votes
|
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WISHING WELL 7/26/2013
A man walks up to a wishing well. Throws a quarter in and says
"I want my dick to touch the ground" Instantly his legs disappeared!!
0 Comments, 77 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
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A SEAL 7/26/2013
A seal walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What'll ya' have?".
The seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club.".
0 Comments, 76 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
|
|
Just a cheap pun.. 7/26/2013
Even though funerals are held in the afternoon I still get
mourning wood.
0 Comments, 49 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
|
GOOD WASHING 7/26/2013
Just had to give my cock a good wash. It was so cheesy, it'd started singing Barry Manilow
songs.
0 Comments, 39 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
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THE ROYAL BABY 7/26/2013
OBGYN... The royal baby is crowning.
Charles runs in the room screaming... "Wait your
damn turn!"
Today's UK headlines
GUARDIAN: It's a boy! TELEGRAPH: It's a boy! DAILY MAIL: Has Kate lost the baby weight yet?
Rumor is that Kate's had a Caesarian. They wanted the
baby to come out through the sunroof as a tribute to its grandmother.
0 Comments, 56 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
|
|
DESERT ISLAND 7/26/2013
Two guys and a girl get marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the woman is so ashamed of what she's
doing, she kills herself!
After another week goes by, the men are so ashamed of what
they're doing, they buried her!
After another week, they're so ashamed of what they're
doing they dug her back up again!
0 Comments, 83 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
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DINNER 7/26/2013
My Girlfriend caught me blow drying my penis one night.
She asked me what I was doing.
Apparently heating her dinner, was not the right answer.
0 Comments, 37 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
DEARLY DEPARTED 7/26/2013
Martha had recently lost her husband. She had him cremated
and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was
in, she poured him out on the patio table. Then, while tracing
her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought
it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes
then ...
0 Comments, 83 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
ANOTHER VIRGIN 7/26/2013
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first
time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you
about those . "He is going to try to kiss
you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do
that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast;
you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
|
|
A man goes into a restroom 7/26/2013
A man goes into a restroom, walks over to the urinal and unzips.
As he's relieving himself, a midget walks over with
a step stool. The midget then proceeds to put the step stool
next to the man, climbs up on it and stares at the mans genitals.
The man asks, "What are you doing?" The midget
replies, "Those are the nicest set of testicles I
have ever seen. They hang so nice and look so smooth."
The ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
NO CHARGE 7/26/2013
A man who’d just died is delivered to a local mortuary
and he’s wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black
suit. The mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she
would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does
look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband
looked his best in blue, and that she wants him ...
1 Comments, 84 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
|
|
man most intelligent 7/26/2013
Q: When is a man most intelligent... before, after or during
sex? A: During sex because he's plugged up to the knowledge
source
0 Comments, 39 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
My Mom is SuperHero 7/25/2013
A little boy rushes up to his father and says "DAD, DAD
DON'T MESS WITH MOM SHE'S A SUPER HERO!!"
The father replies "What? Why do you say that?"
The responds " I found a cape, a mask, a costume,
a whip, a pair of hand cuffs and big silver bullet in her drawer.
She must be a superhero!" The father answers " I already know and you can
never reveal you mothers secret identity to anyone, not
even ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
|
|
Golf and G spots 7/25/2013
What is the difference between a golf ball and a g-spot?
guess then scroll down
A man will spend two hours searching for a golf ball.
0 Comments, 55 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
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Dumb Joke 7/22/2013
What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus!
1 Comments, 52 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
Joke 7/21/2013
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting
any.
0 Comments, 22 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
Poor sap 7/21/2013
So I'm a guy with little free time, but one of my few pleasures
is to head down to the local pub and sit quietly with a pint,
alone with my own thoughts, undisturbed. Lately I'd
been working a lot of overtime so I was in particular need
of "me" time. I walked in, greeted the bartender
and made my order. All was good for the first couple minutes
until this fella slinks into the stool next to me ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
3 Votes
|
|
Bad Joke 7/21/2013
How is pubic hair like parsley?
You push it to the side before you start eating.
0 Comments, 26 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
Poor taste 7/21/2013
Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
You can drop them off anywhere.
0 Comments, 34 Views,
0 Votes
|
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Jerk 7/21/2013
What do you call a man who cries while he masturbates?
A tearjerker.
0 Comments, 65 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Another bad one 7/21/2013
What's the difference between a and a drug dealer?
A can wash her crack and sell it again.
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Bad Joke 7/21/2013
Why do they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
0 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Snowman 7/21/2013
Why did the snowman smile?
Because the snowblower is coming.
0 Comments, 29 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Dumb 7/21/2013
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
..............a rip off
0 Comments, 22 Views,
0 Votes
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Joke 7/21/2013
Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
A: a cucumber
0 Comments, 62 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Letter to Penthouse forum by a disgruntled Employee 7/20/2013
Dear Penthouse, (Particularly Gary in editing)
I never thought it would happen to me... I've been a fan of Penthouse forum (and had been a loyal
employee) for well over a decade now, using only the minimum
sick days that my contract allowed without complaint,
and have always been amazed at the wild stories that the
subscribers sent in. I always thought that a lot of them
were too far ...
0 Comments, 103 Views,
4 Votes
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knock knock 7/18/2013
knock knock whose there orange
2 Comments, 58 Views,
5 Votes
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SEX and BUSINESS 7/18/2013
Two bankers talk about their wives.
FIRST: My wife is beautiful, good cook. excellent mother and marvelous
in bed!
SECOND: How could you brag about her. Don't you know that she
has four lovers on the side?
FIRST I do know, but figured out that it is better to have 20% of
good business than 100% of s..t Once every five days is good enough for me
Comment in our ...
0 Comments, 149 Views,
5 Votes
,1.19 Score
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QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME ................ 7/18/2013
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?
Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but
it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's
that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the
clothes you were buried in for eternity?
What disease did ...
4 Comments, 112 Views,
10 Votes
,5.18 Score
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Auto-correct Erotica 7/17/2013
Jim was a big man with a big cuckoo. He had spend most of the
past three months working in the far note, as a logger, but
now he was back on the propel looking for some your thing
to stick his meets dick in. The outpost town where he went
for a drink was small and quiet. The only bar in a small community,
Jim didn't expect to see any action until he reached
the next major city, still days ...
2 Comments, 79 Views,
4 Votes
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WEE ONE 7/14/2013
Daniel Runningbarenake d calls his buddy the rancher &
says he's sending a friend over to look at a . "How
will I recognize him?" the rancher asks. "That's
easy; he's a small little brown fella with a speech
impediment." So the wee little NDN shows up &
the rancher asks him if he's the guy looking for a
to buy. The wee NDN replies; "Yeths, a female horth."
So the rancher dude shows the wee-man a ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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MARRIAGE/MARIJUANA 7/14/2013
For those who haven't heard, Washington State just
passed both laws - gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized
on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus
20:13 says, "If a man lies with another man they should
be stoned."
We just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
0 Comments, 98 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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THE 7/14/2013
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the
nerve to jump off. A passing stops and says, "Since you're
about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we
have sex please?" The woman says, "No, fuck off." The turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll
just go and wait at the bottom."
0 Comments, 83 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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THE 7/14/2013
A woman is standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the
nerve to jump off. A passing stops and says, "Since you're
about to kill yourself, if you don't mind, could we
have sex please?" The woman says, "No, fuck off." The turns to leave and replies, "Fine, I'll
just go and wait at the bottom."
0 Comments, 29 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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NOT WORKING 7/14/2013
I came home from the golf course today. The wife left a note
on the fridge:
"IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore!!
Gone to stay with my Mother."
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...
What the hell is she talking about?
0 Comments, 102 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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TWO REDNECKS 7/14/2013
Two Rednecks were in a bar drinking. One says to the other,
"If I went to your house, screwed your wife and she
had my baby, would that make us relatives?" The other
says, "No, but it would make us even."
0 Comments, 86 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
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GROWN UP? 7/14/2013
Teacher asks the in class: "What do you want to
be when you grow up?"
Lil' Johnny: "I Wanna be a billionaire, going
to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her
a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,
a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite
Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day".
The teacher, ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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NO ARMS 7/14/2013
There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident.
He became very depressed because he loved to play golf.
One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump
off.
He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man
down on the side walk skipping along, whooping and kicking
up his heels. ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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A LITTLE OLD LADY 7/14/2013
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
large plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. Unfortunately,
there's a rip in one of the bags, and every once in a while
a £20 note falls out onto the pavement. Noticing this,
a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes
falling out of your bag."
"Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady.
"I'd better go back ...
0 Comments, 77 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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THREE COUPLES 7/14/2013
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become
members of his church. The minister said that they would
have to go without making love for two weeks and then come
back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged
and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister.
The retired couple said it ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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FAST SEX 7/14/2013
Darren wanted desperately to have sex with this really
cute, really hot girl in his office. But she was dating someone
else. One day Darren got so frustrated that he went to her and said
I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you. The
girl looked at him and then said, "NO!" Darren said, "I'll be real fast. I'll throw
the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish
by the time ...
0 Comments, 95 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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JUST FRED 7/14/2013
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling
faster than the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker
his name.
'Fred, ' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred, ' the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the
biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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7/14/2013
This guy is walking down the street, when a approaches
him and asks, “Say, wanna have a good time?” “Sure!”
he says as they head off to the nearest motel. She takes off
her clothes, all the while he’s staring at her. The
says, “Is this the first pussy you’ve seen since you
crawled out of one?” The guy says, “Nope, just the first
one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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GLOVE 7/14/2013
A guy walks into a doctor's office and while getting
examined the doctor notices that the guy has five penis'.
That's amazing, " says the doctor. "How
do your pants fit?"
The guy says, "Like a glove."
3 Comments, 85 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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FLASHER 7/14/2013
Q. Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring?
A. He decided to stick it out for one more year!
0 Comments, 42 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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NEW ARMY CAPTAIN 7/14/2013
A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post
in the Afghan Desert ..
During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a
camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there..
The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there
are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men
have urges. That's why ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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DAD'S JOB 7/14/2013
Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were
overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy.
What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy.”
replied the second. “My daddy’s an accountant. What
does your daddy do for a living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied,
“My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked Billy.
“No, just the regular kind”, replied Tommy....
1 Comments, 80 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Far too qualified for the job. 7/13/2013
This woman applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and
seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan
and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have
you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have." ...
0 Comments, 96 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
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Bear Removal Service 7/12/2013
A man in northern Minnesota woke up one morning to find a
bear on his roof. He looked in the Yellow Pages, and sure
enough, there was an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."
He called the number listed and the bear remover said he'd
be over within an hour.
The bear remover arrived, and got out of his van.
He had a ladder, a baseball bat, a 12 gauge shotgun, and a
mean ...
0 Comments, 105 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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