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luv it!!! 7/20/2016
A father told his 3 when he sent them to college:
"I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best
possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that.
However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1, 000
into my coffin when I die.
And so it happened, one became a doctor, one a lawyer, and
one a financial planner, each very financially successful. ...
2 Comments, 129 Views,
17 Votes
,5.81 Score
|
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joke 7/20/2016
post your funny joke here! original funny joke that is
0 Comments, 16 Views,
5 Votes
,1.19 Score
|
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joke 7/20/2016
post you funny joke here!
0 Comments, 3 Views,
2 Votes
|
|
joke 7/20/2016
post you funny joke here!
0 Comments, 4 Views,
3 Votes
,0.49 Score
|
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Social Security Office 7/18/2016
A retired gentleman went to apply for social security.
After waiting in line for quite a long time, he arrived at
the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for
his identification to verify his age. He looked in his pockets
and realized he has left his wallet at home. He told the woman
that he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will
I have to go home and come back now?” he asked. ...
3 Comments, 111 Views,
12 Votes
,4.92 Score
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Toast 7/17/2016
A good man Rich, was with his friends having a contest to
see who could make the best drinking toast. He hoisted his
beer and said, "Here's to the rest of my life between
the legs of my wife!" And that won him the prize that
night.
He went home and told his wife that he won the prize for the
best toast. She asekd, "What was your toast?"
Not wanting to get in trouble he said, "Heres to ...
2 Comments, 99 Views,
12 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
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right size!!! 7/15/2016
Does size matter to women?
FRIENDS !!!
Women's response to:
2 inches - I can't even hold it. 3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied. 4 inches- I've had bigger than that. 5 inches- Good, but I wish a bit bigger! 6 inches - Perfect. 7 inches - Love it. 8 inches - Wow! But can't have it all. 9 inches - Painful but manageable. 10 inches - Too much pressure ...
5 Comments, 95 Views,
17 Votes
,5.53 Score
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Anybody, Anytime, Anywhere 7/15/2016
A man walks into a bar and sees a good looking smart dressed
woman perched on a barstool. He walks up behind her and says,
“Hi there, good looking, how’s it going?”
She turns around, faces him, looks him straight in the eye
and says, “Listen, I’ll screw anybody, anytime, anywhere,
your place, my place, it doesn’t matter. I’ve been
doing it ever since I got out of college. I ...
3 Comments, 112 Views,
11 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
Golf and Public Restroom Similarities 7/14/2016
10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder
width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.
8. Keep your head down.
7. Avoid a quick backswing.
6. Stay out of the water.
5. Try not to hit anybody.
4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead
of you.
3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.
2. Be ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
|
|
One liner 7/14/2016
What's 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women
wild? Answer: $100 bill
3 Comments, 16 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
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How Long Has It Been? 7/13/2016
A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day
a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.
Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you!” Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along
time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information
the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives
the man cigarette. ...
3 Comments, 105 Views,
12 Votes
,3.33 Score
|
|
Overheard at the lawyer's office 7/10/2016
Attorney: "I'm sorry, Mr. Mouse, but insanity
is not grounds for divorce in this state."
Mickey: "God damn it, I didn't say she was crazy.
I said she was fucking Goofy!"
2 Comments, 49 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
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The Sheer Negligee 7/8/2016
A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase
a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities
that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the sheerer, the
higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item,
pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife
and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs, the wife thinks ...
4 Comments, 172 Views,
18 Votes
,5.17 Score
|
|
When I grow up... 7/8/2016
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you
grow up?”
Little Johnny says “I wanna be a billionaire, going to
the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give
her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in
Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe,
an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times
a day”.
The ...
2 Comments, 94 Views,
12 Votes
,4.92 Score
|
|
The tweeker and the dude in the old looking lamp... 7/8/2016
A tweeker is out digging thru a dumpster one night and he
finds a old looking lamp thing and starts to try and shine
it up so he can take it to a pawn shop or somewhere later. Well
a little poof of smoke came out and turned into some dude.
The dude said ", I'm a genie. And since you
helped me I'll give you three wishes."
The tweeker says, "I want a big bag of meth!",
the genie says."Ok." ...
3 Comments, 85 Views,
14 Votes
,2.50 Score
|
|
beep beep!! 7/8/2016
One day a father and his five year old went to the bank
to cash a check. There was a few people in front of them waiting
for the bank teller. The lady in front of them was a rather
large well dressed business lady.The could not help
but notice her size. "Dad looks at her! She is so huge!"The
father replied, "Be quiet! You must be polite and
don"t hurt her feelings."The persisted,
"But dad she ...
5 Comments, 111 Views,
20 Votes
,4.91 Score
|
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I'm not horny 7/7/2016
Just kidding i am
1 Comments, 12 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
|
|
Fart Joke 7/6/2016
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor,
I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really
bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent.
as a matter of fact, I have farted at least 10 times since
I have been here in your office. Neither You or anyone else
knew I was farting because they didn't smell and are silent.
The doctor, wrinkling up his nose, ...
2 Comments, 73 Views,
11 Votes
,4.85 Score
|
|
And the moral of the story is... 7/4/2016
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get
their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end
of it. The next day the came back and one by one began
to tell their stories.
Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have
a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs
to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when
we hit a bump in the road and ...
2 Comments, 100 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
|
|
This Must be Santa Claus Lucky Month! 7/3/2016
We know Santa Claus comes in December, Now they want us to
believe he Comes twice a year? I wonder if Mrs. Claus Knows
about Christmas in July? We Know in Australia it is Summer time December 24, does
this mean its Winter in July, Down Under? Maybe we should carry this Step Ladder to make it A Federal
Case in a Higher Court... Because we all Know there is no
Sanity Clause...
Enjoy ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
|
|
this website 7/3/2016
the jokes on you if your a standard member. you cant do much
with out gold. go gold
2 Comments, 18 Views,
5 Votes
,0.21 Score
|
|
Good Blowjob. 7/3/2016
How do you know when you've had a good blowjob?
...
...
You have to burp her to get your balls back.
4 Comments, 31 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score
|
|
horny cock!! 7/2/2016
reply to this post rate flag
Rodney the Rooster
A farmer has a bunch of hens that are not producing many eggs.
So one morning he goes out and buys a young horny rooster
and names him Rodney.
The first day Rodney nails every hen on the farm and at the
end of the day the farmer finds Rodney trying to screw his
. The farmer walks over to Rodney and says "You've ...
4 Comments, 108 Views,
14 Votes
,5.22 Score
|
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Little Johnny and a Moral 7/1/2016
One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher
asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded
with the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer
to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My
dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs
on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market.
Well, one ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
dollars and sense!!! 6/30/2016
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting
an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling
the coyote population. It seems that after years of the
ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or
trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a "more
humane" solution to this issue. What they were proposing
was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would
then ...
2 Comments, 58 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
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Family 6/30/2016
A family is at the dinner table. The asks the father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father,
surprised, answers, “Well, , a woman goes through
three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still
nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the asks. “Yes. You see them and ...
1 Comments, 68 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
|
Turning to religion 6/29/2016
I was just devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam and we are stoning her in the morning.
1 Comments, 35 Views,
5 Votes
,1.19 Score
|
|
Wife missing 6/29/2016
My wife has been missing a week now. The Police told me to prepare for the worst.
So I had to go down to Goodwill and get all of her clothes back
1 Comments, 34 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Reincarnated 6/29/2016
I tried to explain to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but you come back as a different creature.
She said that when she dies she would like to come back as a cow.
I told her she obviously wasnt listening...
2 Comments, 42 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
911 call 6/29/2016
A man calls 911 and tells the operator that he thinks his wife is dead...
The operator says How do you know?
The man says well the sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up
0 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
cost of living 6/29/2016
The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries
0 Comments, 17 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
Thrown out of school 6/29/2016
My was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class a hand job.
I said damnit ... thats 3 schools this year
You had better stop before you are banned from teaching altogether ...
0 Comments, 25 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Local Bar 6/29/2016
Went to the local bar last night with my wife, the locals started shouting and yelling "pedophile"
and other names at me just because my wife is 25 and I am 50...
It completely spoiled our 10th Anniversary ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
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Birds and Bees 6/27/2016
A father asks his 10 year old if he knows about the birds
and the bees.
I don't want to know!" the says, bursting
into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asks what's wrong.
"Oh, Dad, " the boy sobs. "When I was six,
I got the 'There is no Santa' speech. At seven ,
I got the 'There is no Easter Bunny' speech. When
I was eight, you hit me with ...
2 Comments, 68 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
oldie but goldie! 6/27/2016
Blonde Joke of the Day
Back in the '80's, a blonde lady decides to do something
wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent
her first X-rated adult video. She goes to the video store
and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that
sounds *VERY* stimulating. She drives home, lights some
candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the
tape in the VCR. ...
1 Comments, 85 Views,
13 Votes
,4.99 Score
|
|
Polish Divorce 6/27/2016
A Polish man moved to the U.S. and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got on very
well - until one day he rushed into a Lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the
circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Lawyer: "Have you any grounds" ...
0 Comments, 60 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
Blond-e Men 6/27/2016
Men Can Be Blond Too: You Know! Most blond jokes are about
women, but who said men can't be blonde too? Here are
3 that put the shoe on the other foot, proving that it's
not about gender, or about being blonde, it's just
about making funny jokes! Blonde men: There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond
guy, who worked construction together. They were working
on top of a building one day, ...
1 Comments, 64 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
Why does Congress....... ? 6/27/2016
Why does Congress treat us like MUSHROOMS?
;
;
;
;
; The House of Representatives, run for election and reelections
every 2 years ;;;
;
; The Senators, run for election and reelection every 6 years
;
; They feed us manure;
; and keep us in the Dark! 
0 Comments, 19 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
|
The Unattractive Ladies Man 6/27/2016
A very handsome man at a singles bar is sitting at a prime
location having a drink. During the course of the evening
he tries to chat with every single woman who walks in, with
no luck. Then a repulsively ugly man comes in, sits at the
bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Minutes
later he walks out with two of the most beautiful women you
ever saw.
Disheartened by all this, ...
1 Comments, 61 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Gas Issues 6/26/2016
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor,
I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really
bother me too much. My farts never smell and are always silent.
as a matter of fact, I have farted at least 20 times since
I have been here in your office. You didn't know I was
farting because they didn't smell and are silent.
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come ...
2 Comments, 41 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
Don't Tailgate 6/26/2016
I have had enough!
There is no need to be tailgating me while I am doing 50 in
a 35 zone so just BACK OFF!!
Also, those flashing lights on your roof look ridiculous!
1 Comments, 21 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Zootopia 6/26/2016
The joke told to Flash the sloth was 3 x as funny reading the
Sloths running the dmv
1 Comments, 12 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
A Long Italian Funeral 6/24/2016
ITALIAN FUNERAL - A Jewish man was leaving a convenience
store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian
funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was
a solitary Italian man walking a a large on a leash. Behind
him, a short distance back, were about 200 men ...
2 Comments, 51 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
The Best We Can Offer 6/24/2016
A man goes to a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman behind the counter replies that she is the pharmacist,
that she and her sister own the drugstore, and that there
are no males employed there. “But surely I can help you, ”
she says.
“This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection
that causes me a lot of pain and severe embarrassment. I
was ...
2 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Overheard on a golf course 6/23/2016
A Minister, a Bishop and a Rabbi were playing golf, the caddy
came and asked a question that got them thinking and how
to respond. "How do you decide what to give and what
to keep.... They answered this way it is the 10 / 10 / 100 percent
rule... This caused a big debate on how to apply it.... The Bishop said I draw a circle inside a circle and stand
outside this circle. The Minister ...
2 Comments, 58 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
It's All In the Name 6/23/2016
A little Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch
doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always
have long names, while the white men have shorter names
- Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?"
His father replied, "Look, , our names represent
a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white
men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation
to ...
2 Comments, 63 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
|
|
scam!!!! 6/22/2016
WARNING: TO ALL THE MEN: READ THE FOLLOWING
Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves
at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first
warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case
you haven't heard about it.
A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customer
s at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart.
This ...
2 Comments, 75 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score
|
|
A real page turner 6/22/2016
A married couple is lying in bed one night. The wife is curled
up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp
on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically
reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He
does this a few times, but only for a very short interval
before returning to read his book. The wife gradually becomes
more and more aroused and, assuming that her ...
3 Comments, 64 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
When I was First Married 6/22/2016
When we were newly weds, My wife made fantastic meals...
My work was crazy, and never knew what time I would get off.
I would get home at all hours. The meals turned into TV Dinners.
Then my wife said, from now on, I am going to treat you like
a Greek God, No more TV dinners! I Felt Great hearing the GOOD NEWS!
;
;
;
; Three Months Later;
; ...
1 Comments, 64 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
|
|
Aussies 6/22/2016
An Australian is visiting Britain.
He's from a small rural village and is completely unfamiliar
with traffic rules and street lights, and just crosses
the streets whenever and wherever, almost getting hit
by cars all the time.
A police officer sees him and shouts: " Oi! You there,
did you come here to die?"
The Aussie replies: " Nah mate, I came yesterday."
2 Comments, 36 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
Assertive 6/22/2016
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by
his wife so he went to a psychiatrist for help. The psychiatrist
said he needed to build his self-esteem. He gave the man
a book on assertiveness which the man read on the subway
home.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife.
Pointing a finger he said "From now on I want you to
know that I am the man of the house ...
1 Comments, 50 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
The Man of the House 6/22/2016
The husband had just finished reading a new book, 'YOU
CAN BE THE MAN OF YOUR HOUSE'. He stormed into the kitchen
and walked up directly to his wife.
Pointing a finger in her face, he said sternly, "From
now on, YOU need to know that I AM the MAN of this house, and
my word is law! You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight,
and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve
me a ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
A guy gets a .... 6/21/2016
So this friend of mine and me, we get together for a couple
of beers or a twelver. So we're sitting out on the deck
getting more than a little wasted, and he tells me he got
a in NYC for $20.00.
"Yo! Twenty bucks, how was she?" I slurred back
at him.
"She was great, but she gave me the crabs."
"So what do you expect for twenty bucks, dude? LOBSTER???"
Peace ...
1 Comments, 42 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
A guy gets a .... 6/21/2016
So this friend of mine and me, we get together for a couple
of beers or a twelver. So we're sitting out on the deck
getting more than a little wasted, and he tells me he got
a in NYC for $20.00.
"Yo! Twenty bucks, how was she?" I slurred back
at him.
"She was great, but she gave me the crabs."
"So what do you expect for twenty bucks, dude? LOBSTER???"
Peace ...
0 Comments, 11 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
whats wrong hun? 6/21/2016
A man came home from work sporting two black eyes. "What happened to you?"
asked his wife. "I'll never understand women, "
he replied. "I was riding up in an escalator behind
this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was
stuck in the crack of her behind, so I pulled it out. She turned
around and punched me in the eye!" "I can certainly
appreciate that, " said the wife, "But how
did you ...
3 Comments, 67 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score
|
|
always horny 6/20/2016
why was tigger looking down the toilet looking for pooh
lol
1 Comments, 20 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
|
|
Little Johnny is at it again 6/20/2016
A young teacher was giving her six-year-old class a lesson
about sharing. In the midst of doing so, she said that no
one had everything they wanted. At this point, a young arm
was energetically pumping at the back of the class.
She tried to ignore him, but little Johnny started saying,
"Oh miss, oh miss!" with his arm pumping.
"Yes, Johnny, what is it?" she asked, trying
to ...
3 Comments, 92 Views,
9 Votes
,5.14 Score
|
|
Jokes 6/20/2016
1. What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
2. What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
3. Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
Just do it 6/20/2016
sir long foot
0 Comments, 14 Views,
1 Votes
|
|
Be Quiet, They're Getting Closer 6/19/2016
A farmer has a rooster that goes around screwing all the
animals in the barnyard. The rooster keeps this up for quite
a while before the farmer finally pulls him aside and warns
him. “Look, ” the farmer says, ”you had better take
it a little easier or you’re liable to screw yourself
to death.” The rooster just laughs at the farmer and goes
out and has all the chickens in the chicken ...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
The Lawyer 6/17/2016
A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The
lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?"
The witness replied, "Yes, sir."
The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident
happened?" The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter
inches."
The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well,
sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that ...
0 Comments, 83 Views,
8 Votes
,3.94 Score
|
|
The Blonde from First Class 6/15/2016
On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady
sitting in first class, "Ma´am, I'm afraid
you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach
ticket." The lady responded, "Listen, I'm
a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting
in first class."
The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant
went and got the first officer - who came and said, ...
2 Comments, 102 Views,
13 Votes
,4.32 Score
|
|
funny joke 6/14/2016
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when
her walks in. “Mother, where do babies come
from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well
dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night
they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.”
The looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That
means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s ...
0 Comments, 80 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
The Elite Chicken Farmer 6/14/2016
The , in need to file her taxes, visits an accountant
for the first time. “Before we begin I’ll need some
information.” He gets her name, address, social security
number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
“I’m a , ” she says. The accountant balks and
says, “No, no, that will not work; too gross. Let’s
try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
9 Votes
,5.14 Score
|
|
Little Red Riding hood 6/13/2016
Little red riding hood told here mother she was going to
grandmas house to visit. Her mother responded "Don't
cut through the woods or the big bad wolf will suck your titties
dry". She assures her mother she won't and heads
out.
When she gets to the cutoff through the woods, she makes
the turn and takes the shortcut. Shortly after the turn
little red riding hood crosses a stream and ...
1 Comments, 82 Views,
10 Votes
,4.58 Score
|
|
Cheesehead Types 6/12/2016
Two men were driving through Dubuque, Iowa when they got
pulled over by a Dubuque Police Officer. The cop walked
up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver
rolled down his window and "WHACK, " the cop
smacked him in the head with his nightstick.
"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked.
"You're in Iowa, , " the Officer answered.
"When we pull you over in Iowa, you ...
1 Comments, 73 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score
|
|
The 10 Dollar Complaint 6/11/2016
A man goes to a $10 and contracts crabs.
When he goes back to complain, the laughs and says,
"What do you expect for $10 -- lobster?"
0 Comments, 32 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
smart woman!! 6/11/2016
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion,
go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. "Don't worry, " he assures her, "my
wife is out of town on a business trip, so there's no
risk." As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her
purse and suddenly gasps, "We have to stop! I forgot
to bring birth control!" "No problem, " he replies, "I'll
get my wife's diaphragm." ...
2 Comments, 102 Views,
14 Votes
,4.26 Score
|
|
The Ice Cream Truck 6/10/2016
A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died,
and journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral,
she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?"
"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love
one Sunday morning."
"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years
old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter
exclaims.
Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
8 Votes
,3.71 Score
|
|
LETTERS 6/10/2016
A woman went in for a physical the other day. The doctor asked
her to disrobe. When she did the doctor noticed she had a
big red "H" on her chest.
The doctor said: That's strange. How did you get the
red "H" on your chest?
The woman replied: My husband went to Harvard and beloved
the school so much he never takes his block sweater off...even
when we make love.
Several ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
|
|
Group Therapy for Moms 6/9/2016
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small . "You
all have obsessions", he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with
eating. You've even named your Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your 's name, Penny."
He turned to the third mom. "Your ...
2 Comments, 81 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
What Part of your body goes to heaven first ? 6/8/2016
The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class
one morning and she asked the question, - “When you die and go to Heaven...
which part of your body goes first ?”
Suzy raised her hand and said, - “I think it's your
hands.”
- “Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy ?”
Suzy replied, - “Because when you pray, you hold your
hands together in front ...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
10 Votes
,6.37 Score
|
|
3 drunk guy get in a taxi 6/7/2016
The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the
engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have
reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank
you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what
he did. But then he asked "What was that for?".
The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time,
you nearly ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Texans 6/7/2016
Some Texans are mingling at the bar when an Oxford graduate
walks in. “Howdy, stranger, ” one Texan says. “Where
are you from?”
The Oxford graduate answers, “I come from a place where
we do not end our sentences in prepositions.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, ” replies the Texan. “Where are
you from, jackass?”
0 Comments, 42 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
His Wife, the Translator 6/5/2016
An old man went to the doctor for his annual check up, but
his hearing was not that good. His wife came with him to assist
the doctor with translation. The doctor began with, "I
need a urine sample."
"Huh!" the old man yelled. "He needs a urine sample! Pee in the cup!" she
yelled back. "Oh, okay, " he mumbled as he went to pee in the
cup.
As he returned with his cup the doctor ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
Jewish Divorce 6/2/2016
A Jewish says to her mother, "I'm divorcing
Nathan. All he wants is sex, sex and more sex. My vagina is
now the size of a 50-cent piece, when it used to be the size
of a 5-cent piece."
Her mother says, "You're married to a multi-millionaire
businessman! You live in an 8-bedroom mansion! You drive
a $250, 000 Ferrari! You get $2, 000 a week allowance!
You take 6 vacations a year and ...
2 Comments, 195 Views,
11 Votes
,5.41 Score
|
|
the difference! 6/2/2016
Mechanic vs Surgeon
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of
a Harley, when he spotted a world-famous heart surgeon
in his shop. The heart surgeon was waiting for the service
manager to come take a look at his bike. The mechanic shouted
across the garage, "Hey Doc can I ask you a question?"
The famous surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the
mechanic working on the ...
1 Comments, 99 Views,
12 Votes
,5.80 Score
|
|
why do women like to ride motorcyles 6/1/2016
because they like something hard and vibrates between
their legs
0 Comments, 18 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Haircut.... 6/1/2016
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How
long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked
around the shop full of customers and said, "About
2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later,
the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber
looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours."
The guy left. ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
A Doctor and his Wife.... 6/1/2016
“A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
He shouted at her, "You aren't so good in bed either!"
then stormed off to work. By mid-morning, he decided he'd
better make amends and called home. "What took you
so long to answer?" he asked. "I was in bed, "
she replied. "What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion.”
0 Comments, 87 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Dad, and the birds and the bees. 5/31/2016
A man and his little boy were walking in the park one day., ,
when a drop-dead gorgeous girl went jogging by, Of course,
dad had to stop and look at the skin tight jogging suit. with
the top off, and a skimpy halter top on. And all the while
the boy was pulling on his dad's pants, pointing to
the jogger and saying 'dad, dad'. Well, dad
just ignored him, and went on. Well , pretty soon ...
0 Comments, 108 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
|
|
The Telephone 5/30/2016
What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
The second telephone.
0 Comments, 16 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Bagel Fun 5/30/2016
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
0 Comments, 5 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
|
|
A Vulture Boards An Airplane... 5/30/2016
A vulture boards and airplane carrying two dead raccoons.
The stewardess says "I'm sorry, but we only allow
each passenger one carrion".
0 Comments, 18 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
Laught during sex 5/26/2016
Hi guys and gals!
I in most cases love joking and making fun during sex. But
I know it may be irritating for most of the people. How would
you respond to a partner who laughs and tries to make jokes
during sex: insist on being serious or have fun together?
3 Comments, 44 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
Laught dduring sex 5/26/2016
Hi guys and gals!
I in most cases love joking and making fun during sex. But
I know it may be irritating for most of the people. How would
you respond to a partner who laughs and tries to make jokes
during sex: insist on being serious or have fun together?
0 Comments, 9 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
The Sneeze 5/23/2016
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out
a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered
for ten or fifteen seconds. The man went back to reading
his book. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again,
took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently
once more. Although assuming the woman might ...
0 Comments, 111 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
HISTORY OF THE FAMOUS MIDDLE FINGER 5/23/2016
Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating
victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle
finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle
finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English
longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting
in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the
native English Yew tree, and the act of ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
The New Three Bears 5/21/2016
Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair.
He looks into his big bowl and it is empty. 'Who's
been eating my porridge?' he roars.
Mama Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, 'For God's sake, how many times
do I have to go through this with you idiots? It was Mama Bear
who got up first. It was Mama Bear who woke everyone in the
house. ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
9 Votes
,6.42 Score
|
|
poor bubba!!! 5/20/2016
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist
asked him what he had.
Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance
number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked
Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles."
So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical
history ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
|
|
Outstanding Ears 5/20/2016
A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment,
all of his own. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his
name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady
came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing
only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started
up a conversation with him, as they talked, her robe slipped
open, and it was obvious that she had ...
1 Comments, 111 Views,
11 Votes
,6.35 Score
|
|
Choo Choo 5/18/2016
How does a train eat? Chew chew.
1 Comments, 8 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
|
( . ) ( . ) 5/18/2016
What kind of bees make milk? Boobies.
0 Comments, 5 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
:) 5/18/2016
I was wondering why the baseball was getting bigger. Then
it hit me.
0 Comments, 9 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Pre-historic Joke 5/18/2016
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the P is silent.
0 Comments, 2 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Let's Laugh Some More 5/18/2016
I'm really good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.
I don't know Y.
0 Comments, 6 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
Are you ready to laugh? 5/18/2016
What sound does a doorbell make when a gorilla rings it?
King kong.. king kong..
0 Comments, 5 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
A $500 Porsche 5/16/2016
A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye. It loudly
announced, "$500 Porsche! New!" The man thought
that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he
thought it might be a joke, but he said to himself, "It's
worth a shot."
So he went to the lady's house who was selling the Porsche
and she led him into the garage. Sure enough, there was an
almost brand new Porsche. ...
3 Comments, 114 Views,
14 Votes
,3.46 Score
|
|
Colt .45 5/10/2016
A guy walked into a bar waving his unholstered pistol and
yelled....
I have a .45 Colt with an 8 shot clip and I want to know who's
Fucking my wife... A voice from the back of the room called out.....
You don't have enough ammo!!!
0 Comments, 61 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score
|
|
Corny jokes 5/9/2016
What time is it when you need to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie
0 Comments, 10 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
Corny jokes 5/9/2016
What time is it when you need to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie
0 Comments, 3 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
|
|
which hole? 5/9/2016
A man went to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business
meeting. When he arrived at his Motel, he found he had a lot
of time before the meeting so he got the directions for a
nearby golf course from the clerk. While playing on the front nine, he thought over his impending
speech and became confused as to where he was on the course.
Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. ...
3 Comments, 117 Views,
19 Votes
,6.29 Score
|
|
Keys 5/8/2016
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must
have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the
parking lot.
My boyfriend has scolded me many times for leaving my keys
in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car
could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized
he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called
the police. I gave them my ...
2 Comments, 131 Views,
13 Votes
,5.66 Score
|
|
labels!!! 5/7/2016
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed
through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions
on consumer goods: On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( that's
the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Frito's:! ..You could be a winner! No purchase
necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use ...
1 Comments, 61 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
Head Nurse 5/7/2016
How can you tell which is the head nurse? The one with the
dirty knees.
2 Comments, 31 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
|
|
Teacher and Student 5/7/2016
Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO." Teacher: "What are you talking about?" Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!
0 Comments, 36 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
|
|
2 kinds of people 5/7/2016
There are two kinds of people. Those who wake up in the morning
and say, "Good morning, Lord, " and those who
wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning. 
0 Comments, 15 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
Whistle 5/7/2016
What can a bird do that a man can't?
Whistle through his pecker.....
Go ahead laugh
0 Comments, 14 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
Prince 5/4/2016
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in
a verdant meadow near her castle. The frog hopped into the
princess's lap and said, "Elegant lady, I was
once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon
me. One kiss from you, however, and I will ...
2 Comments, 95 Views,
9 Votes
,6.20 Score
|
|
Basic Misunderstanding 5/2/2016
“I can't believe that you've been visiting
prostitutes for sex, " screamed his wife. "I'm really disappointed in you."
"You can hardly blame me, " he answered. "It's not like I was getting any sex from you.”
"Well that's your fault, " she replied.
“You never told me you were willing to pay for it.”
0 Comments, 56 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
|
|
Which Came First 5/1/2016
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning
against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied
smile on it's face.
The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls
over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"
1 Comments, 32 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
All's Well 4/30/2016
Donald Trump was walking along the beach when he came across
a muslim and a mexican. Words were exchanged which quickly
became physical. In the scuffle a genie bottle was dislodged
from the sand. They all saw it and all three started rubbing
it . Of course a genie soon appeared and said " I have
three wishes to grant so I will give each of you one wish."
The muslim said "I wish all muslims were ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
|
|
perseverance!!!! 4/28/2016
Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree.
After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the
air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After
recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped,
and fell to the ground. The turtle tried again and again
while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad
efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her ...
2 Comments, 92 Views,
13 Votes
,4.65 Score
|
|
Wedding Gifts 4/28/2016
The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals,
a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist, were deciding
what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would
give them a chuckle or two. The electrician decided to wire
the bed, with alternating current of course. The dentist
wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
10 Votes
,4.18 Score
|
|
Pink Shutters 4/26/2016
A man walks into a well known brothel, and asks the madam
for the biggest, blackest girl they have.. Well, sure enough , upstairs, first door on the left. He
goes up and opens the door, and there is Big Bertha, 460 lbs,
if she is a hundred. She is laying on the bed , naked, giving him a real big smile.
Her legs all spread wide. Her huge pussy lips hanging way
down. He looks around for a ...
1 Comments, 101 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
|
|
Crafty 4/25/2016
I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish.
"I want to live forever, " I said.
"Sorry, " said the fairy, "I'm not
allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine, " I said, "then I want to die after
Congress gets it's head out of it's ass!"
"You crafty little bastard, " said the fairy.
0 Comments, 51 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
Group Therapy 4/24/2016
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session
with four young mothers and their small . "You
all have obsessions, " he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed
with eating. You've even named your Candy."
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: "Your obsession
is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your 's
name, Penny."
He turned to the ...
0 Comments, 142 Views,
10 Votes
,5.38 Score
|
|
Exhaustion 4/23/2016
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's
final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any
excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider
a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no
other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asks, "What would you say if tomorrow ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
12 Votes
,6.33 Score
|
|
Want Some of This... 4/20/2016
A woman wants to surprise her husband for their 25th anniversary.
She decides to go out buy some sexy lingerie. She picks up
some crotch less panties and a new bra.
When the hubby gets home from work she's sprawled out
on the bed wearing her new lingerie. In her sexiest voice
she says "Do you want some of this, big boy?”
Slightly frightened, the man exclaims "Hell no,
look ...
1 Comments, 109 Views,
10 Votes
,5.97 Score
|
|
bottles up!!! 4/17/2016
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store
with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle
of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused
and said "Because I don't believe you are over
21." The robber said he was, but the clerk ...
3 Comments, 115 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
bottles up!!! 4/17/2016
Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store
with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer.
After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle
of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf.
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused
and said "Because I don't believe you are over
21." The robber said he was, but the clerk ...
2 Comments, 29 Views,
7 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
50th Wedding Anniversary 4/16/2016
At the Parish Church, they have a weekly mens' marriage
seminar.
At the session last week, Father asked Rufus, who was approaching
his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married
to the same woman all these years.
Rufus replied to the assembled husbands - "Well,
I try my best to treat her real nice, with respect, ...
2 Comments, 129 Views,
10 Votes
,3.58 Score
|
|
Nurse check-up 4/16/2016
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an
oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.
"Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't
know, Sir I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, ...
1 Comments, 132 Views,
14 Votes
,5.38 Score
|
|
Want Coffee 4/16/2016
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling
a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter, "Want
coffee." The waiter says, "Sure, no problem, coming right up."
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. The Indian drinks
the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun,
causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere, then just walks ...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
10 Votes
,5.97 Score
|
|
W__Y 4/16/2016
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to
have her name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy.
The tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it
was not erect all you could see was W Y.
Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning
in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom in Jamaica, and standing
next to him was a Jamaican man who also ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
9 Votes
,5.78 Score
|
|
What Are You Laughing About? 4/15/2016
Two guys were walking through the jungle and got captured
by a group of cannibals.
The cannibals put them in a huge pot and start to boil the
water.
All of a sudden one of the guys started laughing.
"What are you laughing about?" the other guy
says, "We are about to be eaten!"
And the other man replied, "I peed in their soup!"
0 Comments, 46 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
reality!!! 4/12/2016
I was out shopping and my total was $36.50. So I gave the girl
at the register two twenties, six dollars and fifty cents
so I would get a $10. The little girl looked at the money then
looked at me then looked at the money then looked at me. With
a look like I was the biggest idiot she had ever seen she said
"I don't need this." And gave me my 6.50
back. I collected my 3.50 in change and walked ...
1 Comments, 91 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Golf is a dangerous game 4/11/2016
Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned
my golf cart. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived
in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called
out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks, "
I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John, " she said, (firm loose breasts undulating
beneath her white ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
9 Votes
,6.20 Score
|
|
The Human Vase 4/10/2016
Two girlfriends where walking down the street and one sees
her boyfriend in a flower store buying flowers and tells
her friend "shit I hate when my boyfriend buys me flowers
he always expects something from me”. Her friend says,
"What’s wrong with that I think its sweet".
The girl says I am tired of laying on my back with my legs spread
open for three days”. Her friend replies: "Why
don't ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
|
|
men .....luv them!!! 4/4/2016
Men Are Like
Placemats. They only show up when there's food on the table.
..Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
..Bike helmets. They're good in emergencies but usually just look
silly.
..Government bonds. They take so long to mature.
..Copiers. You need them in reproduction but that's about it.
..Lava ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
9 Votes
,4.92 Score
|
|
love to laff 4/3/2016
Anyone got any good jokes.post them
0 Comments, 11 Views,
1 Votes
|
|
Satan and Clinton 4/2/2016
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation
was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan
appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming
and running for the front entrance, trampling each other
in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for Bill Clinton who sat
calmly in his pew without moving, ...
1 Comments, 153 Views,
14 Votes
,5.38 Score
|
|
Car Deal 4/2/2016
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find
the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful,
leggy, busty blonde.
"I thought you said you would hold that car till we
raised the $75, 000 asking price, " said the man. "Yet I just heard
you closed the deal for $65, 000 to that lovely young lady there. You insisted
there could be no discount on this ...
1 Comments, 143 Views,
13 Votes
,6.33 Score
|
|
wanna bet? 3/30/2016
A little old lady walked into the main branch of the Chase
Manhattan Bank holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to open
an account with the bank and deposit the $3 million she had
in the bag. She said that prior to doing so she wished to meet the president
of the bank due to the large amount of money involved. The teller opened the bag and saw ...
1 Comments, 138 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
|
|
Dude goes to his buddies... 3/30/2016
Dude goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell,
and the wife answers.
Hi, is Tony home? No, he went to the store. Well, you mind if I wait? No, come in?
They sit down and Dude says, Ya know, you have the greatest
tits I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if
I could just see one.
Chick thinks about this for a second and figures what the
fuck - a hundred ...
1 Comments, 127 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
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4 kinds of sex 3/27/2016
There are four kinds of sex : HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over
the house in every room. BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you
only have sex in the bedroom. HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many
years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK
YOU" COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in
the divorce court in ...
2 Comments, 59 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Dudes 25th Anniversary... 3/27/2016
Dude and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked Dude, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" Dude replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" ...
0 Comments, 73 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Whats for breakfast 3/27/2016
One day, a family of a mother and two boys, Timmy and Tommy,
were riding in their car on the way to church. Timmy leaned
over, smacked Tommy across the head, and Tommy yelled out
"You Motherfucker!" later that day in church,
the mom went to talk to the priest. she said "Father,
my boys just won't stop swearing and I don't know
what to do." the priest says "Well, have you
tried smacking them?" she ...
0 Comments, 125 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
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3 Wishes 3/27/2016
One day Dude was waking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of the way. A few seconds later, a genie popped out of the lamp.
Reluctantly, the genie said, "Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most, your ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
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The Blonde Husband 3/27/2016
Two women are having lunch together, discussing the merits
of cosmetic surgery.
The first woman says, ‘I need to be honest with you, I’m
getting a boob job.’ The second woman says, ‘Oh that’s
nothing, I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached.’
The first woman replies, ‘Funny, I just can’t picture
your husband as a blonde.’
0 Comments, 56 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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A Rabbi, a Priest and an Imam... 3/25/2016
Let's see who I can offend with one joke.
A Nun, Sister Mary Margaret approaches the parish Priest
with a concern:
"Father I am terribly ashamed. I have been having
the most impure thoughts about S. E. X. lately. What should
I do?"
"Sister Mary Margaret, You must purify your soul
by taking a bath in milk"
So the good Sister goes to the dairy man to buy ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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all in the drink! 3/22/2016
Bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's
personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed
separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to Earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass. Your ...
3 Comments, 103 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score
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Love thy Neighbor 3/22/2016
One evening, a wife drew her husband’s attention to the
couple next door and said, “Do you see that couple? How
devote they are? He kisses her everytime they meet. Why
don’t you do that?”
“I would love to, ” replied the husband, “but I don’t
know her well enough.”
0 Comments, 62 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Sex on Mars 3/22/2016
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple
and are talking about all sorts of things.
Mike asks if Mars has a stock-market, if they have laptop
computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
brings up the subject of sex. “Just how do you guys do it?”
asks Maureen.
“Pretty much the way ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
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Perfect Tits 3/22/2016
Dude was walking down the street sees a woman with perfect
tits. He says to her, “Hey, would you let me bite your tits for
$100 dollars?”
“Are you nuts?!” – she replies, and keeps walking
away.
Dude turns around, runs around the block and gets to the
corner before she does. “Would you let me bite your tits for $1, 000 dollars?”
– he asks again.
“Listen ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
8 Votes
,3.94 Score
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If you will recall... 3/22/2016
Dude’s girlfriend was in labor with they first .
She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”
She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you of
a bitch!”
Dude casually replied, “If you would care to remember,
I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, ‘it’ll
be too painful!’.”
0 Comments, 46 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Boiled Eggs 3/21/2016
She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast.
He walks in. She turns and says, “You’ve got to make
love to me – this very moment.”
His eyes light up and he thinks, “This is my lucky day.”
Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then
gives it his all on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she says, “Thanks, ” and returns to the
stove. More than ...
1 Comments, 89 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score
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DINNER DATE 3/20/2016
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant.
Their waitress (taking another order at a table a few paces away)
suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair
and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his
chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
11 Votes
,4.85 Score
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Elderly Customer 3/20/2016
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he
would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks
at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old, " he says.
"Ninety!" replies the woman. "Don't
you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry, " says the old man. "How much
do I owe you?"
0 Comments, 60 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Blonde Patient 3/20/2016
A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her.
"You'll be fine, " he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have
a normal sex life again doctor?"
The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.
"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right,
won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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Marriage Retreat 3/20/2016
At the marriage retreat, Amy and John were told to individually
write a sentence using the words sex and love.
Amy wrote: When two mature people are passionately and
deeply in love with one another and respect each other very
much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally
acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex with one another.
And John wrote: I love sex
0 Comments, 64 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Exciting Wedding 3/20/2016
A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place
by the altar, when the best man notices that the groom has
the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says,
Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but whats
up? You look so excited.
The groom replies, I just had the best blow job I have ever
had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
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Just making sure... 3/19/2016
Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running around with
other women, " she charged. "You're being unreasonable, " Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth!" The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam
demanded. "Counting your ribs, " said Eve!
0 Comments, 45 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Dude shares a room 3/19/2016
By the time Dude pulled into the small town every hotel room
was taken. He finally pulled up to the very last hotel and went into
the office. "You've got to have a room somewhere" he
pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, "
admitted the manager, "And he might be glad to split
the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loud that ...
2 Comments, 95 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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The moral of the story 3/19/2016
Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.
0 Comments, 21 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Dude goes to the barber shop... 3/19/2016
Dude stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and
said, "About 2 hours." Dude left. A few days later, Dude stuck his head in the door and asked,
"How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." Dude left. A week later, Dude stuck his head in the shop ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
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oh come on 3/17/2016
Wife: Oh, come on. Husband: Leave me alone! Wife: It won't take long. Husband: I won't be able to sleep afterwards. Wife: Yeah, well I can't sleep without it. Husband: Why do you always do this in the middle of the night?
Wife: Because I'm hot. Husband: You get hot at the craziest times. Wife: If you love me, I wouldn't have to beg you. Husband: If you love me, you'd be more considerate.
...
2 Comments, 105 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
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Its a Miricle... 3/17/2016
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed
away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the
casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring
the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually
alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Man's best friend 3/17/2016
OK, So your barking is at the back door wanting in and your wife’s yelling at the front wanting in.
Which one do you let in?
The dog, once he’s in, he shuts up!
0 Comments, 34 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Old dude goes to the doctor... 3/17/2016
So, this 85-year-old dude's doctor asks for a sperm
count as part of dude's physical exam. The doctor gave the old dude a jar and said, "Take this
jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the old dude comes back to the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, clean and empty. The doctor asked, what happened and the old dude explained.
"Well, doc, it's like ...
0 Comments, 63 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
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Alimony 3/17/2016
A divorce court judge said to the husband, "Mr Geraghty, I have reviewed this case very carefully
and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair, your honour, " he
replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few
bucks myself."
1 Comments, 36 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Somebody Stole My Car Officer 3/17/2016
A well dress but obviously intoxicated gentleman stumbled
up to a policeman at a busy downtown intersection and voiced
a thick-tongued complaint.
“Somebody stole my car, officer, ” he announced groggily.
“I had it right here on the tip of my ignition key.”
“We’ll go right to the station and report it, ” the
cop replied, amused at the guy’s condition.
...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Lets get Mikie... 3/15/2016
A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very ornery,
and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian
determined the problem: she was in heat. What to do? There was no male of this species available. While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators
noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the ...
1 Comments, 90 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score
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Stranded Lawyers 3/15/2016
Two lawyers had been stranded on a deserted island for several
months. The only other thing on the island was the tall coconut
tree, that provided them their food. Each day, one of the
lawyers climbed to the top of the tree, to see if he could
see a rescue boat coming.
One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow!
I can't believe my eyes! I don't believe this is
true! "and told ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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Finger vs Ear 3/15/2016
While having drinks a man and a woman got into an argument
about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously
enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so
obsessed with getting laid?"
"That doesn't prove anything, " the woman
countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches
and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull
it out, which feels better-your ear ...
0 Comments, 48 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Right time, right place?!! 3/15/2016
I'm in this very dirty place, right. Just stroking
my cock here. As soon as I get in to it, this guy walks in and
says, wow nice cock, it's so big!! So I say, what would
you like to do with it? He says, what do you mean? So I say,
sex, what you want? He says, the good kind! So I say, I'm
sorry, just a sexxy cock here. Then he says, but I like sexxy
cock......
1 Comments, 61 Views,
3 Votes
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Dude bumps into some chick 3/15/2016
So, dude is in a hotel lobby. As he turns to go to the front
desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and
his elbow goes into her tits. So dude turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your
heart is as soft as your titties, I know you'll excuse
me." She replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow,
I'm in room 436."
1 Comments, 43 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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Dude walks into an elevator 3/15/2016
So, dude walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful
woman. After a few minutes he turns to her and says, "Can I smell your pussy?" The woman looks at him in disgust and says, "Certainly not!" "Hmmm, " he replies. "It must be your feet, then."
1 Comments, 40 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
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What's The Hurry 3/14/2016
This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line
up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the
bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and
the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.
The bartender says, hay buddy whats your hurry?
The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing.
The bartender backs up and says ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
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Problem Solving 101 3/13/2016
 Husband: Honey, I have problems at work. Wife: Not "I", but "we" have problems
- since we are married, your problems are mine problems
as well. Husband: Ok, then I wanted to let you know that our office-girl
got pregnant from us.
2 Comments, 40 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
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Alotta 'splanin to do... 3/12/2016
A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those
30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.
He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please
her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years
she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip
the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She
said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" ...
1 Comments, 60 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
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Birds and bees and things that please 3/12/2016
Mom's in the kitchen making dinner, when her
walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The
mother says, “Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married.
One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug,
and have sex.” The girl looks confused so the mother tells
her, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s
vagina. That’s how you get a baby..” The seems to ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
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Fighting technique skill... 3/12/2016
They say if he is bigger kick him in the dingding! If his cocks
really huge then take a high powered rifle to it! Make sure
it's a silver bullet too!! He'll defiantly feel
that one!!
0 Comments, 14 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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The dirty dyed guy..... 3/11/2016
So I'm in this perfect neighborhood just smoking my
pipe here. When, just then, this guy walks up to me, and asks me someting. He said that I got a nice pipe there can
I suck it? So I say that this huge sexxy cock is just one step
away from you. So he asks which foot should I put forward?
3 Comments, 43 Views,
1 Votes
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Dude goes to hell 3/11/2016
So, this dude goes to hell... When he gets there a demon strolls up and says "How's
it goin'" Dude says, "Pretty fucked up" "Why" asks the demon. Dude says "Well, To begin with I died and I'm in
hell" The demon says, "DUDE, ya act like its the end of the
world.. Hells GREAT" "Let me ask ya something, do ya like to drink"
Dude says, "HELL YEAH" "YOUR GONNA LOVE MONDAYS!" says the demon "Monday
is ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
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Little Johnny See Double 3/11/2016
Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class when
the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.
“Does anyone know what this is?” She asked. Little
Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my Dad has two
of them!” “Two of them?” the teacher asked.
“Yeah, He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a
big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!”
0 Comments, 36 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
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Price 3/11/2016
At a carpet store a very well dress woman bent over and touched
a Persian rug and she farted.
When she gets up she notices that there is a salesman standing
behind her.
She then asks the salesman, “How much is this rug?”
The salesman replies, “Well, lady… if you farted just
touching it, you’re gonna crap when you hear the price.”
0 Comments, 20 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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racing fans!! 3/9/2016
reply to this post rate flag
Horses in the race are:
1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties 4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Johnson 9. Heavy Bosum 10. Merry Cherry
At the Post:
They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
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is that all? 3/8/2016
A young couple were married and celebrated their first
night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again,
all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.
He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When
she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing
his body for the first time to his ...
1 Comments, 94 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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The Toilet Seat 3/7/2016
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish
the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing
it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care
of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting
in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand
up, she realized that the not-quite-dry ...
0 Comments, 139 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Advice 3/7/2016
An elderly Cherokee was teaching his grandson about life.
He said to him: "A fight is going on inside me. It is
a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.
One wolf is evil---he is fear, anger, envy, sorrow, regret,
greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority,
lies, false pride, competition, superiority, and ego.
The other is good ---he is joy, peace, love, ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
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Curious Blonde 3/6/2016
A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along
comes this really hot guy. The girls noticed he has a really
bad dandruff problem.
The brunet whispers to the blonde, "Someone should
give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says,
"How do you give shoulders.
1 Comments, 36 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
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Teeth 3/6/2016
Lady goes to dentist, ; finally in the room with the dentist,
she sits down and lifts her legs all the way up, and wide apart.
Dentist says lady, Im a dentist, not a gynocologist; Lady says i know, i just want my husband's teeth back.
HaHa lolol
0 Comments, 13 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
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smart guy!!! 3/5/2016
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled
into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women.
They started getting friendly with all the women, when
suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all
these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three
men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your ...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
|
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Last Kiss 3/3/2016
A group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to
jump off a bridge so they stop.
The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What
are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide, " she says.
While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't
want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before
you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
So, ...
2 Comments, 136 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
|
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attention please!!!! 2/29/2016
Official Announcement: The government today announced that it is changing its
emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately
reflects the government's political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys
the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives
you a sense of security while you're actually being
screwed.
Damn, it just ...
0 Comments, 46 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
|
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Hey Doc, 2/29/2016
A man goes to his doctor, He says Doc, i dont know if my wife
has T B , or V D. Doc says chase her around the bed a couple of
times, . If she coughs, Fuck her. lol
0 Comments, 18 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
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Hey Doc, 2/29/2016
A man goes to his doctor, He says Doc, i dont know if my wife
has T B , or V D. Doc says chase her around the bed a couple of
times, . If she coughs, Fuck her. lol
0 Comments, 8 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Hey Doc, 2/29/2016
A man goes to his doctor, He says Doc, i dont know if my wife
has T B , or V D. Doc says chase her around the bed a couple of
times, . If she coughs, Fuck her. lol
0 Comments, 6 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
Hey Doc, 2/29/2016
A man goes to his doctor, He says Doc, i dont know if my wife
has T B , or V D. Doc says chase her around the bed a couple of
times, . If she coughs, Fuck her. lol
0 Comments, 2 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
The favor 2/28/2016
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland
asked the priest beside her: "Father, may I ask
a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer
that is well over the customs limits and I'm afraid
they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry
it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"
...
1 Comments, 128 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
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Jokes leading to sex 2/27/2016
Has being funny around somebody ever led to hot sex?
0 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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The hungry elephant 2/25/2016
What did the elephant say to the naked man? ? How do you eat with that thing.!!! lol
0 Comments, 15 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
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Drunk Driving Test 2/24/2016
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles
south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver
why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician
and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show
for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling
and said if the driver would do a little ...
1 Comments, 141 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
|
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Confession 2/17/2016
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following
conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years,
many , grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking.
We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three
times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?' ...
1 Comments, 163 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Lemon Squeeze 2/16/2016
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive
me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made
mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze
seven lemons into a ...
0 Comments, 126 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score
|
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all in the NAME!!! 2/13/2016
the first of the Three Wise Men slowly approached the barn
and gingerly crossed over the threshold----into a big
juicy pile of shit. Looking down at his gold slippers,
he let out a shriek----"Jesus Christ!" The
woman at the manger turned to her companion and said, "Joseph,
that's a better name for the than Irving."
0 Comments, 43 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score
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Python for sale 2/11/2016
A blonde was selling her pet Python.
Another blonde called, inquiring about the snake and asked
if it was big.
She said, "It's massive."
She said, “How many feet?"
She said "none! ….it's a fucking snake !!"
0 Comments, 45 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Sex Reason. 2/11/2016
Ran across this and thought it would be nice to share it with
others here on the site. I like the thought and maybe you
will to.
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal.
0 Comments, 27 Views,
0 Votes
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rescue!!! 2/9/2016
reply to this post rate flag
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for
over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship", he thinks
to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out
the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft. Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous
blonde woman wearing a ...
1 Comments, 149 Views,
19 Votes
,5.50 Score
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vacation!!!! 2/3/2016
God decided he needed a vacation One of his aides suggested
Venus. "Forget it, " God said, "I went
there 10, 000 years ago and got sunburned."
Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way, "
God replied. "I went there 5, 000 years ago and froze
my butt off."
A third adviser suggested Earth. "That's the
worst of all, " God answered angrily. "I was
there 2, 000 years ago and they're ...
1 Comments, 83 Views,
8 Votes
,2.55 Score
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marriage!!! 2/3/2016
Dingey's father was disturbed when he found out his
was masturbating several times a day out in the barn.
"Boy, you gotta quit that! Go out and get yourself
a wife."
So Dingey went out and found himself a pretty young girl,
to whom he got married. But a week or so after the wedding,
the father found Dingey 'choking the chicken'
again.
"You crazy boy!" he yelled, ...
3 Comments, 151 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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the challenge 2/2/2016
One evening, two guys were in a bar arguing over which of
them can have sex the most times in one night. They decide
to settle the issue by going to the local whorehouse and
gathering experimental evidence, as it were.
So they get to the whorehouse, pair off with a couple of the
ladies, and go to their respective rooms.
Johnny energetically balls his and, reaching up
with a ...
2 Comments, 118 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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a+ 2/1/2016
Dan, a college student, is home for summer break. In order
to make a few extra bucks he decides that he is going to apply
for a part time job at the local K-Mart. Dan fills out the
standard application and is called into the manager’s
office. The manager is the typical K-Mart employee — skinny,
glasses, pocket protector and K-Mart clothes. Also, he
takes a little too much pride in working at ...
2 Comments, 104 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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Oops! The Laundry Guy now knows I'm a SLUT. 2/1/2016
This is a true story...much to my chagrin.
I enjoy double entendres and sexy texting with friends.
I text indecent proposals to my partner in crime all day
long. I'm a fast typist, so when I'm at home, I text
from my computer in the Mac program iMessage*, which shows
all the people I'm texting in a line like below:
[image]
Each week, I text The Laundry Guy (TLG) to ask ...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score
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A depressed young woman... 1/31/2016
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided
to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When
she went down to the docks to end it all, a handsome young
sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look,
you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the
morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll
take good care of you and bring you ...
3 Comments, 82 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Stork Family 1/31/2016
There is a family of storks: A mommy stork, a daddy stork,
and a baby stork. One day, daddy didn't come home for
dinner. Mommy and baby were very worried. When dad came
home late the next morning, they asked what he was doing.
"I was making a young couple very happy, " he
replied.
About a week later, mommy didn't come home for dinner.
Daddy and baby were very worried. When mom ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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Sportsman’s Double 1/31/2016
A guy ends up with an older woman at a bar last. She looked
pretty good for a 55-year-old. In fact, she wasn’t too
bad at all, and he found himself thinking she probably had
a really hot . They drank a couple of beers, and
she asked if I’d ever had a “Sportsman’s Double”?
“What’s that?” the guy asked. “It’s a mother
and threesome.” she said.
As the guy’s mind ...
2 Comments, 88 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Dirty jokes ;-) 1/31/2016
Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers
up to the counter, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting,
"Your mom's the best sex in town!" Everyone
expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders
off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later,
the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I
just did your mom, and it was ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
0 Votes
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the vagina!!! 1/31/2016
The best engine in the world is the Vagina. It can be started
with one finger, It is self lubricating, It takes any size
piston, And it changes it's own oil every four weeks.
It is only a pity that the management system is so fucking
temperamental.....
2 Comments, 47 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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wise soul!!! 1/30/2016
A senior citizen was walking across a damp meadow when he
heard a female voice say, "Sir, I would like to ask
a great favor of you "He looked around and saw only
a frog sitting on a grass pod. "I must be going nuts, "
he thought, "There's no one here."
The voice then said, "Please, sir. Please help me."
Again all he saw was the frog, looking straight at him. "Who
said that?" ...
3 Comments, 96 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
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surprize!! 1/30/2016
At a girl's college dormitory, dates were permitted
only on Saturday night.
One young man showed up on a Tuesday evening, explaining
to an older woman in the lobby of the dorm that it was imperative
he see a certain young lady immediately.
"I want to surprise her. You see, I'm her brother."
 He said with all the innocence he could muster.
"Oh, she'll be surprised ...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
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oh billy!!! 1/28/2016
Little Billy was at home doing his math homework. He said
to himself, “Two plus five, that of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that of a bitch is nine.” In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying.
“BILLY!!! What are you doing? What are you saying??”
Little Billy answered “I’m doing my math homework
Mom.” “And is that what the teacher taught you?” she ...
2 Comments, 105 Views,
9 Votes
,4.92 Score
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awesome ride 1/28/2016
I bought a new Dodge Challenger. I returned to the dealer
the next day complaining that I couldn't figure out
how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
"Watch this!", he said, "Nelson"!
The Radio replied, "Ricky or Willie?"
"Willie!", He continued and "On The Road
Again" came from the speakers.
Then he said, "Ray Charles!", and ...
1 Comments, 85 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
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A toast for the birds 1/28/2016
Cheers for the stork, who brings good babies. Cheers to the raven, who brings bad babies. And most of all, Cheers to the swallow, who brings no babies!!
1 Comments, 19 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Lemon Squeeze 1/27/2016
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive
me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made
mad passionate love to me seven times.'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze
seven lemons into a ...
0 Comments, 108 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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Two women are walking home.... 1/27/2016
Two women are walking home from a night at the bar and have
to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with
one uses her panties and the other uses a nearby wreath.
The next day one of the women's husbands calls the other,
"They are never going out again! My wife came home
without panties!"
The other replies, "You think that's bad? My
wife came home with a card in ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Two women are walking home.... 1/27/2016
Two women are walking home from a night at the bar and have
to pee, so they stop at a cemetery. With nothing to wipe with
one uses her panties and the other uses a nearby wreath.
The next day one of the women's husbands calls the other,
"They are never going out again! My wife came home
without panties!"
The other replies, "You think that's bad? My
wife came home with a card in ...
2 Comments, 25 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
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A man walks into a bar 1/27/2016
A man walks into a bar and grabs a menu:
Hamburger $5
Beer $5
Handjob $5
A gorgeous waitress walks up to take his order and he asks
her, "Are you the ones giving the handjobs?"
She licks her lips and replies, "Yes."
He puts a $5 bill on the table and says, "Well wash your
hands, I want a burger!"
0 Comments, 28 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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putting it in 1/27/2016
A man goes to church and tells the priest "Father,
I almost cheated on my wife."
The priest asks him "How do you almost cheat on your
wife?"
The man says "Well, me and the woman were naked but
we just rubbed against each other."
The priest looks at him disgusted and says "Rubbing
is the same as putting it in. Never do it again, say five Hail
Mary's and put $100 in the ...
2 Comments, 54 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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my favorite come on 1/27/2016
one of my favorite come on is to approach my intended and
warm them up then ask " ya want to go necking some? i
promise to be a good boy? i will keep my hands above the waist
at all times! and my head below!
1 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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all night long!!! 1/27/2016
Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all
night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other
grunting "One, two three, uhh...one, two three,
uhh..."
In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf,
"So how was it?"
The first dwarf says, "It sucked. I couldn't
get a hard-on ...
2 Comments, 78 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
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calling to say thank you!! 1/25/2016
A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25
years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all
expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful
girl, nude, lying on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi,
I'm a little something extra that the president of
the board arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the ...
2 Comments, 92 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
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Retired US Navy Veteran 1/24/2016
The old guy is up in his attic going thru his old Navy chest,
that had all his Navy pictures, and things in. He started
trying on the old Navy clothes, . The Navy hat was way too
small. His Navy shirt was way too small. And his pants were
way too short. He is standing there, with one sock on his
dick, jacking like a mad man. He goes , Well, at least the
socks still fits.
2 Comments, 49 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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The last rites 1/22/2016
Some guys were sitting in a bar having a conversation.
One of them says, "What do you want people to say about you at your funeral?"
They think about it for a while, and then one of them answers,
"I want them to say I was a good guy, and that I would
be remembered as a very kind man."
The second guy nodded and said, "Yeah, I want them to say that I didn't deserve
to ...
3 Comments, 101 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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TEXT 1/22/2016
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are laughing send me your smile.
If you are crying send me your tears.
If you are eating send me a bite.
If you are drinking send me a sip.
If you are awake send me your thoughts.
If you are sleeping send me your dreams.
I love you!"
The husband, typically non ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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The confession 1/19/2016
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said
to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another
woman.'
The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed
together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting
it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, ...
0 Comments, 102 Views,
7 Votes
,5.84 Score
|
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Dirty Knock Knock Jokes 1/18/2016
Knock, Knock! Who's There? Anita! Anita who? Anita
Dick inside me
0 Comments, 12 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
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Dirty Knock Knock Jokes 1/18/2016
Knock, Knock! Who's There? Anita! Anita who? Anita
Dick inside me
0 Comments, 7 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Funny Accountants Jokes 1/18/2016
What is the definition of a good tax accountant? Someone
who has a loophole named after him. Why do accountants make
good lovers? They're great with figures. What is the
definition of "accountant"? Someone who solves
a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't
understand. Why did God invent economists? So accountants
could have someone to laugh at. Why accountants don't
read novels? ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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3 Pregnant Women Joke 1/18/2016
Three women were sitting in a bar, (burnette, redhead,
and a blonde) they were all pregnant. The burnette says,
"I know what I'm going to have." The other
to asked how. She replied, "Well I was on top when I
concieved so I will have a baby boy". The red head said,
"If your logic is correct then I will have a baby girl
because I was on the bottom when I concieved. The blonde
starts crying and ...
0 Comments, 51 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Missed Chance 1/17/2016
It was late on Sunday morning and the man was in bed with a
hard-on. He wrote a note and had his four year old give
it to his mother.
It read:
“The tent pole is up; the canvas is spread; quit your damned
cooking and come back to bed.”
The turned the note over and wrote a reply. She had your
give it to his father.
It read:
“Take the tent pole ...
0 Comments, 95 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
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Cream and sugar for a coffee 1/16/2016
Young waitress asks elderly man: Do you want a cream and sugar for your coffee? Man responds by saying: Just a cream because I am sweet already. She asks then: Could you prove it? Man answers: Sure, just kiss me!
0 Comments, 65 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Sitting under a palm tree 1/13/2016
Did you hear the one about the two Arabs sitting under a palm
tree eating their dates?
2 Comments, 46 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
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Two Irish Nuns 1/12/2016
Two Irish nuns, old and young, were sitting at a traffic
light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulled up
alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!"
shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior thought this would be a good test for
the novice, and turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't
think they know who we are - show them your cross."
So, ...
0 Comments, 141 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score
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SPOONERISM REVISION! 1/11/2016
What is the difference between a nun & a woman in the
bath?
The nun has a soul full of hope& the bather has a hole
full of soap.
Add any others you know please. XX
0 Comments, 15 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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SPOONERISM 1/10/2016
What is the difference between a nun & a woman in the
bath?
The nun has a soul full of hope& the bather has a hope
full of soap.
Add any others you know please. XX
0 Comments, 8 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
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what is this? 1/7/2016
what am i doing here?
0 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
|
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Garden Hoe's:P 1/7/2016
What’s the best part about gardening?
Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
0 Comments, 28 Views,
6 Votes
,1.09 Score
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Saggy Boob? 1/7/2016
What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re
nuts.
0 Comments, 12 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
|
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Rubiks Cube ? 1/7/2016
What do a penis and a Rubik’s Cubes have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets
0 Comments, 11 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
|
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Lesbo Dino? P 1/7/2016
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lick-a-lotta-puss.
0 Comments, 9 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
|
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Dr Papper! :P 1/7/2016
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife died.
0 Comments, 15 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
|
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Banana?? 1/7/2016
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking? She’s gonna eat me!
0 Comments, 12 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
|
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Mafia :D 1/7/2016
What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?
One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.
0 Comments, 12 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
|
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Santa Clause? 1/7/2016
Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
He only comes once a year.
0 Comments, 2 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
|
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Goodyear :D 1/7/2016
What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
0 Comments, 5 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
|
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Teacher.... 1/7/2016
Why was the guitar teacher arrested?
For fingering a minor.
0 Comments, 6 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
|
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Brothel :D 1/7/2016
What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed 
0 Comments, 4 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
|
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Exercises for those over 55 1/2/2016
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms
straight out from your sides and hold them there as long
as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
Each day you'll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
Then try 50-lb bags and eventually try to get to where
you can lift a ...
2 Comments, 101 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
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Little Bruce 1/1/2016
Little Bruce and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they
know they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce
goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, "Mr. Smith,
me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in
marriage."
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith ...
1 Comments, 162 Views,
9 Votes
,5.78 Score
|
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Well-baby exam 12/31/2015
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room
waiting for the doctor to come for the baby's first
exam.
Finally the doctor arrived, examined the baby, check his
weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby
was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed, ” she replied.
“Well! We'll have to check you out. Alright then,
strip down to your waist. ...
0 Comments, 144 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
|
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12:30 12/31/2015
Two old guys were sitting around talking. One guy said to
the other, Hey, I just got me a brand new hearing aid. It's
the state of the art, It is really high tech, and hell , it
cost me a bundle. Other guy says, Oh, really? What kind is
it.? Other guy replied 12:30.
0 Comments, 46 Views,
6 Votes
,2.80 Score
|
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The Errant Wife 12/30/2015
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's
after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if
he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having
an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100,
the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband
and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches
on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is ...
0 Comments, 192 Views,
8 Votes
,5.80 Score
|
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No Santa 12/28/2015
Anyone wondering why they didn't see the old fat guy
this year, I hate to tell ya:
Seems he got busted in CA for laying some doll under a tree!
0 Comments, 28 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
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Politically Correct Definitions 12/20/2015
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading
America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians
will no longer be referred to as 'HILLBILLIES.'
You must now refer to them as ‘APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS’.
And furthermore, HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY
CORRECT:
1. She is not a 'BABE' or a 'CHICK' - She
is a ‘BREASTED AMERICAN. '
...
1 Comments, 83 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
|
|
man down call 911!!! 12/19/2015
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful,
elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
2 Comments, 46 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
easy A!!!! 12/19/2015
After having failed his exam, a student goes and confronts
his lecturer about it. Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about
the subject?” Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a
professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question.
If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark
as is and go. If you however do not ...
2 Comments, 137 Views,
11 Votes
,5.41 Score
|
|
wishlist!!! 12/16/2015
One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed
into the bar for a cold one.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked,
"Who owns the tied under that tree outside?"
The redneck said it was his.
"Your seems to be in heat."
The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause
she's tied up ...
1 Comments, 128 Views,
15 Votes
,5.27 Score
|
|
What did the chicken say to the blind farmer? 12/14/2015
Moo
2 Comments, 32 Views,
4 Votes
,0.92 Score
|
|
A twist on an old saying 12/12/2015
We have all heard the saying : <br><br>
"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"
<br><br>
I like the one for the ladies that says: <br><br>
"Why buy the hog when all you want is some sausage?
1 Comments, 26 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
growing pain !!!! 12/11/2015
There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts
weights and jogs 5 miles a day. One morning he looks into
the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really
suntanned all over except his private part, and he decides
to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely
undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his
private part, sticking out.
Two ...
3 Comments, 131 Views,
11 Votes
,5.41 Score
|
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Sex Jokes 12/11/2015
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because
I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that
p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
0 Comments, 23 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
|
|
Sex Jokes 12/11/2015
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because
I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that
p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
2 Comments, 22 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
|
|
Crows and Trucks 12/10/2015
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority
found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently,
and there was concern that they may have died from Avian
Flu. A bird pathologist examined the remains of all the
crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem
was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared
to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed ...
2 Comments, 105 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
Tooth brush 12/10/2015
It is obvious that the tooth brush was invented by a hillbilly.
If anyone else had invented it it would be called a teeth
brush.
0 Comments, 24 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
The "Question" 12/7/2015
The little boy runs into the house. "Mommy, where
did I come from?"
She hesitates and then decides he's old enough and
takes him into the bedroom. She strips and lays on the bed.
She spreads her legs and has him get between them. She points
to her hole and says, "You came from here."
The boy started whooping and hollering and ran out of the
house. His buddy hears him and ...
2 Comments, 234 Views,
15 Votes
,3.74 Score
|
|
Bad fit 12/7/2015
Guy going to same Doc for years keeps complaining of recurring
migraines. After the tenth time the Doc tells him: '...I've
done some research and if we castrate you that should relieve
a lot of pressure and the bad headaches will clear up.'
The guy balks and leaves the office. A month and two migraines
later, he's back and consents to the operation. Everything goes well and he's feeling so ...
1 Comments, 123 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
what an ass!!! 12/6/2015
A married couple in their early sixties...
were celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet
and romantic restaurant. Suddenly, a tiny beautiful fairy
appeared on their table.
She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple
and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will
grant you each one wish.”
The wife answered, “Oh, I ...
2 Comments, 131 Views,
11 Votes
,4.66 Score
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benny who? 12/6/2015
A guy named Benny is sitting in a bar mouthing off that he
knows everybody. So his buddy bets $10 the next person to
walk in the bar didn't know him. Somebody walks in the
bar and says "Hey Benny what's up?" so the
guy then bets him $100 he doesn't know the first person
they see outside walking down the street. So they go outside
and see some one coming up to the bar and says "Hey Benny
how are ...
2 Comments, 113 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
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Blonde Cop 12/6/2015
Blonde cop pulls over Blonde speeder. Blonde cop need to see your drivers license Blonde speeder digs thru her purse and asks What does it
look like? Blonde cop It has your picture on it silly! Blonde speeder digs thru purse again and pulls out a compact
and opens it Is this it? Hands it to blonde cop Blonde cop Well had I known you were a Police Officer I would
have let you go right away!
3 Comments, 56 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Itish Men Declare War 12/3/2015
Irish man declares war Saddam Hussein is sitting at
home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says "Hello".
The voice at the end of the phone says "Hello Mr. Hussein,
it is Paddy here. I am just ringing to let you know that we
have declared war on your country." SH smiles to himself,
"Come on Paddy", he says, "there is no
point you declaring war on us, you would not stand a chance."
Paddy ...
3 Comments, 84 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
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Hospital Blues 12/3/2015
A woman called Mount Sainai Hospital. She said "Mount
Sainai Hospital? hello, darling. I would like to talk with
the person who gives the information about the patients.
But I do not want to know if the patient is better or doing
like expected, or worse. I want all the information from
top to bottom, from a to z." The voice on the other line
said "would you hold the line please, that is a very ...
2 Comments, 75 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
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The Bet 12/3/2015
A little old lady went into the Headquarters of Bank of America
carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she speak
with the president of the bank to open a savings account.
The receptionist objected, stating “You can't
just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank
of America. He's a very busy man.”
“But I'm here to make a very large cash deposit, ...
2 Comments, 161 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
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The Statue 12/3/2015
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said. “Stand
in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him
and then dusted him with talcum powder. “Don't move
until I tell you to, ” she whispered. “Just pretend
you're a statue.”
“What's this honey?” her husband asked as he entered
the room.
...
2 Comments, 134 Views,
10 Votes
,5.58 Score
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oh shit!!! 12/3/2015
********************************** Doc, " says Steve, "I want to be castrated."
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
"It's something I've been thinking about
for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.
"But have you thought it through properly?"
asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation
and once it's done, there's no going back. It will
change ...
3 Comments, 91 Views,
11 Votes
,3.54 Score
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A bargain 12/3/2015
Bubba was fixing a door and he found that he needed a new hinge,
so he sent Mary Louise to the hardware store. At the hardware
store Mary Louise saw a beautiful teapot on a top shelf while
she was waiting for Joe Bob to finish waiting on a customer.
When Joe Bob was finished, Mary Louise asked how much for
the teapot? Joe Bob replied "That's silver and
it costs $100!"
"My goodness, that ...
5 Comments, 108 Views,
9 Votes
,5.56 Score
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Heros 12/2/2015
Three on the corner talking about their families.
Boy #1: my granddad served in Vietnam and has all kind of
medals. Boy #2: my dad was in Iraq and saved his whole platoon
from an ambush. That's brave...he's a hero. Boy
#3 had to think awhile: well last night I heard my dad tell
mom that if she'd turn off the light he'd eat it.
That's pretty brave eating glass and mom called him
'my ...
1 Comments, 69 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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lets make a deal!! 12/1/2015
man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist
and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were
no males employed there. She then asked if there was something
she could help the gentleman with. The man said "this
is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection
which causes me a lot of problems and ...
2 Comments, 100 Views,
8 Votes
,5.80 Score
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Don't Mess with Seniors 12/1/2015
There were protesters at the grocery store handing out
pamphlets on the evils of America. I politely declined
to take one.
There was an elderly woman behind me and a young (20-ish)
female protester offered her a pamphlet, which she politely
declined.
The young protester put her hand on the old woman's
shoulder as a gesture of friendship and in a very soft voice
the young lady ...
4 Comments, 153 Views,
12 Votes
,6.51 Score
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Literary 11/30/2015
Read any good books lately? How about these: 'The Glass
Bra' by Seymore Tits, "Who Goosed the Moose'
by Antlers In the Tree Tops, 'Snake Also Rises'
by Flute Player and that classic 'Yoke-less Eggs'
by Rosters with Rubbers.
2 Comments, 42 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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golfing 11/27/2015
Two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off, one drive
goes to the right, and one drive goes to the left.
One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs
a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful
second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of
the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her
path to ...
5 Comments, 150 Views,
14 Votes
,5.54 Score
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wtf??? 11/27/2015
A beautiful young woman about to undergo a minor operation
is lying on a gurney in a hospital corridor awaiting the
medical staff. A man in a white coat approaches her, lifts up the sheet,
and visually examines her naked body. He walks away and
confers with another man in a white coat. The second man
then approaches the girl and performs the same examination.
When a third man approaches her, ...
3 Comments, 123 Views,
8 Votes
,6.03 Score
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Depressed 11/25/2015
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't
talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You
know, ..a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But ...
2 Comments, 77 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Murphy the Golfer 11/23/2015
One day on Lucky Hole #13, Murphy finally makes his first
hole-in-one. Immediately, a leprechaun leaps into view
and congratulates him.
The leprechaun says, "For this hole-in-one, I will
grant ye' one wish."
The Irishman replies, "Can ye' make me pecker
a wee bit longer."
"Done" says the leprechaun.
By the 14th hole the Murphy can tell something ...
4 Comments, 141 Views,
10 Votes
,5.38 Score
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happy anniversary baby!!! 11/23/2015
A man asks his wife during a 25 marriage anniversary: - Darling, have you been unfaithful to me? - Yes, honey, three times. - When was the first time? - Do you remember the situation when you went to a bank, but
nobody would give you any credit? And finally the CEO of
the bank himself signed the credit allowance to you. - Thanks, darling. And when was the second time? - Do you remember when you ...
6 Comments, 153 Views,
8 Votes
,6.03 Score
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The Day's Catch 11/23/2015
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of
the Smoky Lake Tavern.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing, ' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited
the ...
5 Comments, 85 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Army Induction 11/23/2015
Fifty one years ago, Herman James, a West Virginia mountain
man, was drafted by the army.
On his first day, the army issued him a comb. That afternoon, the army barber sheared off all his hair.
On the second day, the army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, the army dentist yanked out seven of his
rotten teeth.
On the third day, the army issued him a jock strap. ...
2 Comments, 63 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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poets!!!! 11/22/2015
it seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly
and Keats, died on the same day. When they got to heaven St.
Peter said, "I'm sorry, but I only have room for
one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you
must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuktu.'
The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven."
So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, ...
2 Comments, 80 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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AMAZING, SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES: 11/22/2015
1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY
GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.
2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE
TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK.
3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF
AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.
REMEMBER TO SET A TIMER.
4. A ...
0 Comments, 41 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Circumcised 11/21/2015
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying
attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just
recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was to ...
2 Comments, 170 Views,
12 Votes
,3.68 Score
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Interesting choice of food 11/21/2015
This is for real. People are so creative. Ill let the picture
speaks for itself.
3 Comments, 70 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
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Here After Quandary 11/21/2015
Having met on Swapfinder.com and after 7 Es back & forth, this couple
finally makes a date. He takes her to a nice restaurant,
where he wines & dines her. After desert he proposes
a nice Motel within walking distance and she accepts. It's
a nice little room and he gently asks: 'You need the
bathroom first?' "No...you go ahead."
10 min.s later he pops out nude and is surprised to see her
sitting on the ...
1 Comments, 91 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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The new milking machine 11/19/2015
A farmer ordered a hi-tech milking machine. Since the equipment
arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test
it on himself first.
So, he inserted his "manhood" into the equipment,
turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.
Soon, he learned that the equipment provided him with much
more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though,
he ...
3 Comments, 176 Views,
11 Votes
,4.85 Score
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growth! 11/19/2015
A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen
so she goes to her neighbor with her problem. The neighbor
says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance
around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes
will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red."
The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden
naked for a few minutes. The next morning, ...
3 Comments, 95 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
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The Difference? 11/18/2015
What is the difference between sin and shame? > > > > > > > > Well . . . It is sometimes a sin when it slips in, but it is almost
always a shame when it slips out.
1 Comments, 11 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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A terrible itch 11/18/2015
A 80 year old woman goes to the doctor complaining of a terrible
itch between her legs, upon inspection, he tells her she
has the crabs. The old lady replies"That's impossible, I am
a virgin, and never have never been with a man." So she goes to get a second opinion from another doctor,
he get's her feet up in the stirrups for a closer look.
She explains she is a 80 year old virgin, and that the ...
2 Comments, 107 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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lets get it on!!! 11/17/2015
While standing in front of the gorilla's cage, a gust
of wind swept some dust into his eye. As he rubbed his eyelid,
the gorilla went crazy, bent open the bars, and beat the
guy senseless. When the guy came to his senses, he reported
the incident to the zookeeper. Nodding, the zookeeper
explained that pulling down your eyelid means "Fuck
you! " in gorilla language. The explanation didn't
make the ...
3 Comments, 79 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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yea puppies!!! 11/16/2015
A father and his 6-year-old are walking down the street,
and they come across two dogs having sex. The boy is shocked
by what he sees and asks his father "Daddy, what are
they doing?" The father, not wanting to lie to his
, says "they're just making a puppy."
"OK" says the , and the father is relieved
that he doesn't probe further. The next day, the
bursts into his parents' room and sees them ...
3 Comments, 117 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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