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it doesn't matter 2/3/2015
A truck driver spots a guy with long blond hair halfway down
his back walking on the side of the highway, so he decides
to pick him up. A mile into the ride the hitchhiker says,
"I'll bet you thought I was a chick with all this
hair". The trucker says, "It doesn't matter
to me, I'm gonna fuck ya anyway.
0 Comments, 16 Views,
0 Votes
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Phone Call 1/28/2015
A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her
phone rings.
She picks up; the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so
glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm
so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks.
Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh, " she replies, . ...
0 Comments, 233 Views,
11 Votes
,5.41 Score
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onion 1/28/2015
On dinner, asks father: How many kinds of boobs r here?
DAD: 3 kinds, In 20s like oranges, round n firm. In 30-40 like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. Aftr 50 like onions, u see them nd they make u cry.
4 Comments, 67 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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GUESS WHO? 1/28/2015
There are 3 Male and 1 Female pencils in a box. The Female pencil got pregnant !! Which Male pencil is responsible?
THE ONE WITHOUT THE RUBBER.
2 Comments, 62 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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Johnny Sperm 1/27/2015
Little Johnny Sperm was in training. He knew his big day
was coming and he vowed to be ready. He ran every day. He lifted
weights every night. Finally one day it was time. He approached
the starting line and was itching to go. His goal was to impregnate
a womb. The gate opened and he took off. He was well ahead
of the other sperm. As he approached the end of the tunnel
he screeched to a ...
1 Comments, 141 Views,
10 Votes
,3.98 Score
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Oh I need...... 1/27/2015
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny
passed by his mom’s bedroom and saw her rubbing her body
and moaning, “I need a man, I need a man!” Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several
times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning.
When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his ...
0 Comments, 127 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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Boy N Dad 1/26/2015
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call
me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working
Class. And your baby brother, we'll ...
0 Comments, 83 Views,
9 Votes
,5.78 Score
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wouldnt you? 1/25/2015
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed
the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think
much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something..
But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob
really got worried. However, since the only time they ever
got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where ...
4 Comments, 175 Views,
18 Votes
,5.58 Score
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Golfing Priest 1/23/2015
Father Murphy woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was
an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day,
decided he just had to play golf. He told the Associate Priest
that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for
him that day.
The moment the Associate Priest left the room, Father Murphy
headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away.
This way he knew he ...
0 Comments, 165 Views,
10 Votes
,5.97 Score
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Blondes 1/22/2015
Why did the Blonde have TGIF written on her socks
Toes Go In First
What do you call a Blonde skeleton in the closet?
The winner of LAST years hide and seek contest.
What do you call a Brunette standing between two Blondes?
A translator.
What have you got if you have four Blondes standing ear to
ear in a row?
A wind ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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At the DR's office 1/21/2015
A man goes to his Dr and says his toes hurt. The Dr examines him and say the man has Toesilitus
So a week goes by and the man returns to the Dr and says now
his knees hurt. The Dr once again examines him and now tells him he has the
Kneesils.
Another week goes by and the man returns once again. As the
Dr enters the examine room the man jumps off the table and
says "Don't tell me ...
0 Comments, 151 Views,
12 Votes
,3.51 Score
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The Blonde's ride 1/21/2015
O day a Blonde decided to go horseback riding. She approached
the and carefully got on sitting on the saddle placing
her feet in the stirrups. She took up the reins and the
started out at a slow gentle pace. Confident in her riding skills the Blonde urged the
faster and it picked up it's pace to a canter. The Blonde
thought to herself she was a better rider than just a canter
so she urged it ...
0 Comments, 186 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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Intelligence 1/21/2015
What do you call an intelligent Blonde
a Golden Retriever
What do you call an intelligent red head
An Irish Setter
1 Comments, 38 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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The Ladies Room 1/21/2015
This guy was on a very long flight from LA to NY and after a
couple of drinks just had to go to the bathroom. He got up
from his seat and went to the bath rooms only to find all the
Men's rooms full or out of order. Well he had to go so
looking around he saw that one of the bath rooms marked Ladies
was empty. He was just about to enter it when one of the stewardess
asked him what he was doing ...
1 Comments, 175 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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ready and willing 1/20/2015
I'm not a gynecologist but I'll look at it
1 Comments, 43 Views,
9 Votes
,1.29 Score
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limerick 1/20/2015
there was a trucker from Trent who had a prick so long it bent
to save himself trouble he stuck it in ...
0 Comments, 47 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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hiway to hawaii 1/19/2015
a guy find's a bottle on the beach. he rubs it and out
comes a genie who tells him he will grant him one wish. the
guy asks for a road to Hawaii because he is afraid of flying
and gets very seasick . the genie replies do you realize
what that would involve? how much engineering, how much
steel, how much concrete ? be reasonable man. the guy says
ok just tell me how to understand women, what do ...
1 Comments, 64 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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LITTLE JOHNNY 1/19/2015
may be a duplicate but I didn't see it
Teacher asks the in class: "What do you want to
be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny: "I wanna be a billionaire, going to
the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch, give her
a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana,
a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite
Visa Card, and make love to her ...
2 Comments, 108 Views,
14 Votes
,5.06 Score
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GOT TO LOVE BLONDES 1/19/2015
FIRST A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the
morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the
phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know,
that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband
said, 'Who was that?' The wife said, 'I don't
know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND Two blondes are walking down the street. One ...
2 Comments, 103 Views,
11 Votes
,5.22 Score
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CROSSING THE SAHARA 1/19/2015
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.
On the Third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without
warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed
their Situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest
spoke. 'Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely
that we can survive More ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
11 Votes
,4.29 Score
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Note to drunken self 1/19/2015
when you see a very pretty girl and she tells you she is really
a boy, believe her. Do NOT say "There is no freakin way"...cuz when
she lifts up her skirt and proves it, your gonna stare.
0 Comments, 54 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score
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FALL IN 1850 1/19/2015
Do you know what happened this fall back in 1850? California became a state. The people had no electricity. The state had no money. Almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets. So basically nothing has changed except the women had real Boobs and the men didn't hold hands!
0 Comments, 33 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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FARM VISIT 1/19/2015
Teacher: Ok childern, what sounds did we hear on our field trip to the farm yesterday?
Sara? MOOOOOO she says Teacher claps, "thats right Sara" a cow
Ben? QUACK QUACK he says Teacher smiles, " very good Ben" a duck
Sally? BAAAAAAAAA he says Teacher claps, " thats very good Sally" a sheep
Johnny, what did you hear? GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR he says Teacher ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
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DENTURES 1/19/2015
A couple old boys were golfing when one mentioned that he
was going to go to a Dr. Smith for a new set of dentures in the
morning.
His elderly buddy remarked that he, too, had gone to the
very same dentist two years before.
"Is that so?" asked the first old guy. "Did
he do a good job?"
The second oldster replied, "Well, I was on the golf
course yesterday when a guy on ...
0 Comments, 66 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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ARTHRITIS 1/19/2015
A drunk man who smelled of beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father, what causes arthritis?"
The priest ...
1 Comments, 66 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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FORGOT MY GLASSES 1/19/2015
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside
restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they
left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses
on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had
been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite
a ...
0 Comments, 65 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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PARKINSONS OR ALZHEIMERS 1/19/2015
Two elderly ladies were talking. At our age, I don’t know what would be worse; Parkinson's or Alzheimer's?" one said.
Her wise friend answered, Oh I’d rather have Parkinson’s, definitely Parkinson’s. Better to
spill half my wine than to forget where I keep the bottle."
0 Comments, 24 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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GOLF NUTS 1/19/2015
Ed and Linda met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head
over heels for her.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few
miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking
her out when they got home. Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Linda to dance clubs,
restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became
convinced that Linda was indeed his soul mate ...
0 Comments, 68 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
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Starting Young? 1/18/2015
A substitute teacher for a Grade Four class has just finished
taking attendance at 8:35 a.m., and notices that three
pupils are late or away: James, Henry, and Mary-Jane. No
one in the class knows whether they are sick and all three
were present the previous day. At about 8:45 a young boy stumbles into the classroom, red-faced,
and a little bedraggled. The teacher asks, "You are
very late. I ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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good driver!! 1/17/2015
A police officer pulls over a driver and informs him that
he has just won $5, 000 in a safety competition, all because
he is wearing his seat belt.
"What are you going to do with the prize money?"
the officer asks.
The man responds, "I guess I'll go to driving
school and get my license."
His wife says, "Officer, don't listen to him.
He's a smart aleck when he's ...
2 Comments, 119 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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yum yum 1/17/2015
Two cannibals, father and , were hunting one afternoon
and they came across a beautiful young blonde sunbathing
in the nude. They were both extremely stunned by her gorgeous
body.
The asked his father, "What do you say we take her
home and eat her?"
The father replied, "Actually, I was thinking that
maybe we should take her home and eat your mother
1 Comments, 84 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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BAR JOKE 1/16/2015
A guy walks into a gay bar and sees a monkey sitting on the
bar table. , "What's the monkey for?" asks the guy.
Watch this, " says the bartender. He whacks the monkey
on the head, and then the monkey goes crazy running around the bar table.
swinging on several hanging lights then runs up to the bartender
whips down his pants and starts sucking his dick.
The guy is amazed. ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
9 Votes
,5.99 Score
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BORN LOSER 1/16/2015
A loser is having a hard time picking up chicks, so his well
traveled friend takes him to a nightclub in Daytona where
he tells him that he will score for sure. The loser enters
the bar, sees his prey, and begins to barrage her with pick
up lines that he acquired from his friend. The young lady
continues to ignore him but finally gives in. She says "
OK, I’ll spend the night with you, but ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Nurse Nancy 1/16/2015
Two doctors in practice in a small town clinic in Bluebell
had to hire a new nurse when the one they had won the lottery
and quit. They interviewed Nurse Nancy and decided to hire her. She
had only worked two days when one doctor called the other to his office
and said that they would have to let Nurse Nancy go.
"Why, we just hired her?"
Well, I think she is dyslexic and does ...
0 Comments, 98 Views,
8 Votes
,5.80 Score
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On the first date 1/15/2015
There was a young lady from Kent Who said she knew just what was meant By an invite for dining And late candlelight wining. So she put on her best undies and went.
0 Comments, 49 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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It could happen to you 1/14/2015
A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her
door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing
there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?"
She slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears
a knock at the door, its the same man and he asks the same question
to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams
the door again. Later that night when her husband gets ...
1 Comments, 127 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score
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In the recent wintery mix I slid into a car 1/13/2015
In the recent wintery mix I slid into a car, the man exited.
He was a DWARF, omg I thought to myself! He marched up to me with his hands on his hips and angrily
stated "I am NOT happy" To which I replied..
"OH REALLY, which one ARE you?"
0 Comments, 33 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Little rascals 1/10/2015
Darla and Buckwheat are in class and the teacher asks Darla
to spell stupid and use it in a sentence.
Darla stands and says "Stupid S-T-U-P-I-D, Buckwheat
is stupid."
Teacher says "ok now spell dumb"
Darla "D-U-M-B, Buckwheat is dumb."
Teacher then tells Buckwheat to spell dictate and use it
in a sentence
Buckwheat says "Dictate, D-I-C-T-A-T-E, Darla ...
1 Comments, 62 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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Hot Chick 1/10/2015
Three friends are in a bar having a drink when a Hot Chic comes
up to them and says "whoever can say liver and cheese
in a sentence can have me".
So the white guy says "I love liver and cheese."
She says "that's not good enough."
The black says "I hate liver and cheese", and
she says "that's not creative"
and then the Mexican says "liver alone cheese mine".
0 Comments, 66 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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lie detector!!!!!! 1/10/2015
So a man buys a lie detector robot that slaps you when you
lie. He decides to try it out on his . Dad asks "What'd
you do after school today, Johnny?" "I went to Billy's house and we did our homework."
(robot slaps ) "Oh okay we played video games!"
(robot slaps again) "OKAY OKAY! WE WE'RE
WATCHING SOME PORN!" Dad says "oh jeez when
I was your age I didn't even know what porn was."
(robot ...
3 Comments, 129 Views,
10 Votes
,5.38 Score
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DEAD HAIR 1/9/2015
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting
it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of
the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal
lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the
rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver
feels so awful that he begins to cry. ...
1 Comments, 107 Views,
11 Votes
,5.04 Score
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Brothel 1/4/2015
There is a sign on a brothel house:
'Trespassers will be prostituted'
1 Comments, 46 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
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Illegal Lawyer 1/3/2015
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his
brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he did
finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's .
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his
suitcase up the stairs of the inn, and then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! "Helen,
why did you not write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he ...
0 Comments, 219 Views,
17 Votes
,4.12 Score
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How Can Anyone Thank ! ! 1/3/2015
How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence
Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My
dear woman, " Darrow replied, "ever since
the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one
answer to that question."
0 Comments, 93 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
|
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Likeable Way Of Thinking 1/3/2015
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems
when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny,
if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one
with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.",
replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four, " said the teacher.
"But I like the way you are thinking." Little
Johnny said, "I have a question ...
2 Comments, 155 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
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drunks 1/2/2015
last night, I staggered into a Catholic church and ended
up in the confession booth. After a short while, the priest
said: "What do you need my ?". I said, "is
there any toilet paper on your side?".
1 Comments, 73 Views,
9 Votes
,2.57 Score
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drunks 1/2/2015
last night on the street who appeared to be looking for something.
He said he was looking for his watch. He said he had fallen
when it came off. I asked him where he fell. He said about
a block away. I asked, "why are you looking for it here
then?". He said the lighting was better here.
1 Comments, 43 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score
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drunks 1/2/2015
last night on the street who appeared to be looking for something.
He said he was looking for his watch. He said he had fallen
when it came off. I asked him where he fell. He said about
a block away. I asked, "why are you looking for it here
then?". He said the lighting was better here.
2 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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grandpa's advice 1/1/2015
grandpa keeps telling me to marry a girl with small hands.
I finally asked him, " Why small hands?" "Because it will make your dick look larger."
5 Comments, 73 Views,
13 Votes
,4.49 Score
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Turtle Being Fishy 1/1/2015
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and
with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later,
he reached a very high branch and walked long to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself
off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft,
dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom
of the tree and with a sigh started to ...
3 Comments, 137 Views,
10 Votes
,2.99 Score
|
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Absent Minded Professor 1/1/2015
There Was This Professor Who Kicked His Wife And Kissed
The Door Shut While Going To Work ! ! ! !
2 Comments, 55 Views,
5 Votes
,0.53 Score
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Professor Proposal 1/1/2015
Professor at one of the I I M's was explaining marketing
concepts to the Students:- 1. You see a gorgeous girl at
a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry
me!" – That is Direct Marketing 2. You are at a party
with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your
friends goes up to her and pointing at you says: "He
is very rich. Marry him." – That is Advertising
3. ...
2 Comments, 123 Views,
8 Votes
,2.78 Score
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God's Gift 1/1/2015
God gave His 2, 000 years ago to die on the cross. Much
like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The ,
the , who will take the ?" ... Because, you see,
whoever takes the gets everything. For God so loved
the world that He gave His only begotten , that who so
ever believeth in Him should not perish but have ever lasting
life.
2 Comments, 57 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
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Nail In The Fence 1/1/2015
Nail In The Fence : Make sure you read all the way down
to the last sentence. (Most importantly the last sentence)
: There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father
gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost
his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence.
The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.
Over the next few weeks, as he ...
1 Comments, 93 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
|
|
Nothing Wrong 1/1/2015
-- There is nothing the matter with me, I am just as healthy
as can be, I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk,
I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But
I am awfully well for the shape I am in. All my teeth have had
to come out, And my diet I hate to think about. I am over weight
and I cannot get thin, But I am awfully well for the shape
I am in. And arch supports I ...
1 Comments, 34 Views,
5 Votes
,1.51 Score
|
|
God's Gift 1/1/2015
God gave His 2, 000 years ago to die on the cross. Much
like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The ,
the , who will take the ?" ... Because, you see,
whoever takes the gets everything. For God so loved
the world that He gave His only begotten , that who so
ever believeth in Him should not perish but have ever lasting
life.
1 Comments, 9 Views,
3 Votes
|
|
Of A Gun 1/1/2015
MY ... Take my A wealthy man and his loved to
collect rare works of art. They had everything in their
collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often
sit together and admire the great works of art. When the
Vietnam conflict broke out, the went to war. He was very
courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.
The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only
. ...
4 Comments, 56 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
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John In High But :... :- 1/1/2015
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously
knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and
was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I
will be ready in a few minutes, " she said. "Why
don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're
waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over,
shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms,
he'll jump through." The ...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
John In High But :... :- 1/1/2015
John got off the elevator on the 50th floor and nervously
knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and
was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I
will be ready in a few minutes, " she said. "Why
don't you play with Spot, my dog, while you're
waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over,
shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms,
he'll jump through." The ...
0 Comments, 64 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Award 1/1/2015
It is once again time to vote for-the Darwin Award nominees
for 1997. As you may already know, the Darwin Awards are
for those nominees who will not be contributing to the gene
pool (thankfully). Nominee number 9 {Unknown} To poacher
Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock - and was killed instantly when it fell
on him.
0 Comments, 34 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
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Golf 1/1/2015
Golf Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy
putt." Similarly, "tough break" can
usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
1 Comments, 17 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Engineer' Recipe For Chocolate 1/1/2015
Engineer’s recipe Chocolate Chip Cookies: Ingredients:1.
532.35 cm3 gluten 2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11 6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined
C12H22O11 7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate - encapsulated avian albumen
- coated protein 9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao ...
1 Comments, 19 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
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Smart 1/1/2015
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day
when a with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through
the door. "An' wot's this then?" he
asked. The knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's
shins. "You dumb dog." As he reaches down to
smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the
basket. The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of
his best mince [ground beef]...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
Something Fishy ! 1/1/2015
Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped
his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the
depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the
wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then
a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That
is the first time I have ever seen carp – to - carp walleting."
1 Comments, 31 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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aeroplanes 1/1/2015
Here are some basic descriptions of what may happen if aeroplanes
had different operating systems running them. DOS: Everybody
pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast
till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Macintosh: All the flight attendants, captains and baggage
handlers look the same, act the ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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|
Actual Cat Story 1/1/2015
This is an actual account by a worker at a technical support
and service center. One particular customer had an old
console-type machine with a print head that would ride
back and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy
cat who liked to sit on the edge of the printer next to the
operator. Well, one day we got a service call that said,
"Cat caught in machine, come quick!" When I
arrived ...
1 Comments, 45 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
X'Mas Bugs ! ! ! 1/1/2015
>>> 12 bugs of Christmas For the first bug
of Christmas, my manager said to me See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Ask
them how they did it and See if they can do it again. For the
third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me Try to reproduce
it Ask them how they did it and See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my ...
1 Comments, 19 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
|
Careful Consideration 12/31/2014
>>> Dear Mr. Kennelly: Thank you for your letter
of April 17. After careful consideration I regret to inform
you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment
with your firm. This year I have been particularly fortunate
in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters.
With such a varied and promising field of candidates it
is impossible for me to accept all ...
0 Comments, 54 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
Worms That You Will Never Have 12/30/2014
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students
the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For
his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water
in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When
he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up
and died. "Now, " he said, " What do you
learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is ...
0 Comments, 41 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Worms That You Will Never Have 12/30/2014
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students
the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For
his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water
in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When
he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up
and died. "Now, " he said, " What do you
learn from this?" An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
Baked Beans 12/30/2014
Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion
for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they
had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became
apparent that they would marry she thought to herself,
"He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying
on." So she made the ...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
funny joke 12/28/2014
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After
years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot
glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey.
After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she
brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this."
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts
a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies ...
6 Comments, 180 Views,
15 Votes
,5.12 Score
|
|
funny joke 12/28/2014
A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After
years of this, the wife wants him to quit. She gets two shot
glasses, fills one with water and the other with whiskey.
After bringing him to the table that has the glasses, she
brings his bait box. She says, "I want you to see this."
She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around. She puts
a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
|
|
lol 12/28/2014
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.
Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by
endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling,
Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. Bernie looked at Morris and
remarked, "That's really nice, that after all
these years that you have been married, you keep calling
your wife those pet names." Morris hung his head and
whispered, "To tell you the ...
2 Comments, 112 Views,
10 Votes
,4.58 Score
|
|
funny joke 12/28/2014
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One
day, their passions overcame them in the office and they
took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's
activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take
his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped ...
4 Comments, 166 Views,
11 Votes
,5.97 Score
|
|
lottery winner 12/28/2014
A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!"
The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is six,
now get out!"
0 Comments, 59 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
cute joke 12/28/2014
A husband, who has six , begins to call his wife
“mother of six” rather than by her first name. The wife,
amused at first, chuckles. A few years down the road, the
wife has grown tired of this. "Mother of six, "
he would say, "what’s for dinner tonight? Get me
a beer!" She gets very frustrated. Finally, while
attending a party with her husband, he jokingly yells out,
"Mother of six, I think ...
2 Comments, 153 Views,
12 Votes
,5.80 Score
|
|
funny! 12/28/2014
A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning
from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five
year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old."
"Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What
did he say about your forty-five year old ass?" She
said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."
1 Comments, 54 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
Barbie jokes 12/28/2014
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes
that it's his 's birthday and he hasn't
bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy
store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is
that Barbie in the window?" In a condescending manner,
she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We
have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the
Ball for $19.95, Barbie ...
2 Comments, 114 Views,
9 Votes
,3.64 Score
|
|
Funny! 12/28/2014
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt
is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances
towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's
wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one
little weenie?"
1 Comments, 40 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
Funny! 12/28/2014
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt
is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances
towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's
wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one
little weenie?"
2 Comments, 38 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
|
|
How would you describe me? 12/28/2014
Wife: "How would you describe me?" Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK." Wife: "What does that mean?" Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful,
elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot." Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?" Husband: "I'm just kidding!"
1 Comments, 65 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
The wise king and his men 12/26/2014
There once lived a king and a queen who ruled a large kingdom.
The king was short in vital parts and the queen had to seek
solace with every Dick, Tom and Harry.
After some time the king grew suspicious of the queen's
escapades and wanted to punish the subjects willing to
risk their lives for a fling with her.
He sought the services of his court magician to help identify
the ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
|
|
Well it would not be my choice but.... 12/26/2014
Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect lake camping
and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob’s wife puts her
foot down and tells him he isn’t going. Rob’s friends are very upset that he can’t go, but what
can they do. Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find
Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered,
and supper cooking on the ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
|
|
panties 12/25/2014
a lady lost three panties in her house and blames it on the
maid in front of her husband. Maid said "Sir, you are my witness you know I never
wear panties!"
2 Comments, 64 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
bar joke the apple 12/24/2014
this guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a rum
and coke , the bar tender looks at him and says I HAVE JUST
THE DRINK FOR YOU , and hands the guy an apple stunned the
guy asks the bar tender if its a joke and the bar tender says
TRUST ME. so the guy takes a bite of the apple and says wow
it tastes just like coke the bartender tells him to take
a bite from the other side of the apple ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
Santa asks me what I want for xmas 12/24/2014
Santa; Well , HO HO HO little Billy , I see you have been
very good this year.What do you want Santa to bring you?
HO HO HO
Little Billy ; Gee Santa , could I have a Dragon??? Please.
Santa ; Ho Ho Ho , can't you be more realistic Billy?
Whats your second wish?
Little Billy ; Well , could you get me a girlfriend that
is trustworthy , won't cheat or lie, and ...
1 Comments, 105 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
|
|
Dumb jokes 12/22/2014
Did you know an elephant's sexual organ is in his feet?
If he steps on you you're fucked.
What's gray and comes in quarts(liters)?
Elephants.
...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
|
Are you good at this game? 12/21/2014
Two guy where siting at home bored as hell. The 1st guy said
"I know lets play a game." the 2ed guy said "ok,
but what game will we play?". So the 1st guy says "I
know, I will find stuff around the house and put it up your
ass and you have to guess what it is." "that sounds
like fun, lets do it" said the 2ed guy. So the 1st guy
go's and finds a ruler and sticks it up the others ass.
The 2ed guy ...
0 Comments, 118 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
|
|
Pickle slicer? 12/21/2014
Once I use to work in a pickle factory until I was fire. I got
caught sticking my dick in the pickle slicer. But that ok
because she was fired to.
0 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
Lippy 12/20/2014
why do women have two sets of lips. So they can pisses and
moan.
1 Comments, 19 Views,
6 Votes
,0.52 Score
|
|
true story 12/18/2014
a co worker of ours went to a bar(overseas trip) to meet with
a female companion. she called and cancel after he had a
few drinks. he was tipsy and decide to walk to the hotel a
few blocks away. he was solicited for sex and decided to
accept the offer. the was somewhat attractive and he just wanted a
blow job. she started to do her thing and he was into he decide
to reach down and rub her ...
1 Comments, 190 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
bar joke 12/18/2014
a man went to the bar with his wife. when he left for the counter
to buy drinks a approached his wife and whispered,
" You must Demand cash before sex, I know him he does
not pay.
1 Comments, 112 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Legless 12/18/2014
A snail went into a bar for a Christmas drink, he went up to
the barman & said "can I have half of lager &
a packet of crisps please". The barman just looked
at the snail & shouted "get out" & threw
the snail out. A year later the snail came back in & went up to the same
barman & shouted " what did you do that for"!!
2 Comments, 96 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
|
|
3 nuns joke :) 12/18/2014
Three nuns are in a car accident and then find themselves
in front of Saint Peter at the Gates of Heaven. "Welcome,
sisters. Before I grant you entry, I must ask you if you kept
your vows, including your vow of celibacy." The first
sister approaches Peter and says, "I'm sorry,
but I must admit that I once gave the Priest a handjob."
Saint Peter replies, "Do not worry, sister. Here
in Heaven all ...
0 Comments, 118 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
|
Screaming wife :p 12/18/2014
3 friends bet each other $100 who could make their wife scream
more from sex. The next day the first one said "I made
love to my wife for 2 hours and she screamed for at least an
hour and a half!" The next said he licked his wife for
2 hours and she screamed the whole time plus a half hour after
that! The 3rd one said "that's nothing. I made
love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times, ...
2 Comments, 124 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score
|
|
condoms 12/18/2014
Did you know that condoms have serial numbers? ? ? NO. Maybe
because you didn't role it down far enough. LOL
0 Comments, 14 Views,
1 Votes
|
|
Dinner talk 12/18/2014
A family is at the dinner table. The asks the father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father,
surprised, answers, “Well, , a woman goes through
three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still
nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the asks. “Yes. You see them and ...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Error 12/17/2014
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for
their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis, "
and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the
screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
2 Comments, 24 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score
|
|
weather or?? 12/15/2014
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A: Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
0 Comments, 23 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
from the mouth of boys 12/15/2014
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his
mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her
and quickly dismounts, worried about what her has
seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The sees
his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big
tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten
it." ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Say it aim't so 12/15/2014
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for
their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis, "
and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the
screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
0 Comments, 29 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
Overtime 12/15/2014
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will
make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by
the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought
for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for
$2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even
have enough time to undressed himself." So she ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
Bowlegged? 12/14/2014
Why do cowgirls walk bowlegged? Couse cowboys do not know
that they should take off there hats when they eat.
0 Comments, 23 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
How to stop Jehovah Witnesses from nocking at your door 12/14/2014
I used to have Jehovah Witnesses nock on my door every Sunday
until one Sunday I was out haunting rabbits. After I was
dune haunting I went home and started to clean them when
all of a sudden I herd a nock at the door. I peeked through
the window and saw them at my door again. So I grabbed 2 of
the rabbits by there back legs and held them behind my back
as I answered the door. They asked me if I ...
0 Comments, 130 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Tuff but silent 12/14/2014
The cowboys were sitting around a campfire bragging about
how tuff they where. The 1st one was talking about how he
took on a pack of wolves by him self. The 2ed one talked about
how he was attacked be a rattlesnake and that he pick it up
and bit it's head off. The 3ed one just sat quietly stirring
the campfire with his dick.
0 Comments, 73 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Carefull what you wish for. 12/14/2014
A cowboy was out for a ride and his was spooked by a snake.
The cowboy was just about to shot the snake till the snake
said plz don't shot me, I am a magical snake and I can
grant you 3 wishes. So the cowboy though to his self, it must
be true because it can speak. So the cowboy wished for a big
mansion, $100, 000, 000, and to be hung like his .
When him got back to his ranch he found a big ...
0 Comments, 118 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
Mole 12/11/2014
A bloke goes into the doctors, Doctor says " what seems to be the problem? "
Man says " I need a mole removing off my dick.............it's
the last time I have sex with one of them."
4 Comments, 75 Views,
6 Votes
,0.52 Score
|
|
A golfing mechanic 12/9/2014
An auto mechanic went out on Saturday morning to play golf.
He told his wife he would be home about two o’clock.
He finally arrived home at seven. His wife asked where he’d
been and he said, “It’s like this. I was on my way home
and saw a customer of mine stuck on the side of the road. I
stopped to help her. I got her car started but got very dirty
in the process. She ...
4 Comments, 264 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
|
|
It's Christmas Time 12/6/2014
Some jokes to make your spirits bright!
What do they call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses
Which of Santa's reindeers needs to mind his manners
the most? "Rude"olph
What do you call the fear of getting stuck while sliding
down a chimney? Santa Claus-trophbia
What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish
What do you call a bunch of grandmasters of ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
jokes 11/30/2014
We played with a couple that were nudists and they were very
quick to get naked and seemed very comfortable being naked
but them sure were not comfortable having sex. When we asked
if there was anything wrong they said no. They also said
that being nudist had nothing to do with sex it was more an
expression of being free. How can being naked not have anything
to do with sex?
2 Comments, 108 Views,
9 Votes
|
|
Kissing 11/30/2014
Why do so many couples have rules against kissing? We think
it's the best part of having sex with another partner.
5 Comments, 61 Views,
8 Votes
,0.23 Score
|
|
Bill Cosby 11/28/2014
What did we learn this week? We learned that if Bill Cosby wants your puddin'- he's
fucking taking it!!
1 Comments, 40 Views,
6 Votes
|
|
Truck driver and the Blonde 11/25/2014
As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She
jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the
door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi,
my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches
up again. She jumps out of her car, runs ...
3 Comments, 294 Views,
18 Votes
,5.03 Score
|
|
Pics 11/23/2014
Would you let someone take pics of you having sex with their
spouse when you swing?
6 Comments, 101 Views,
6 Votes
,0.23 Score
|
|
Indian Chief 11/23/2014
Chief went into a drugstore and said to the pharmacist ...Chief need-um rubber to make-um love to squaws. The pharmacist chuckled picked out an Acme thin condom,
handed it to the Indian and said here ya go chief this should
do the trick. Its nice and thin to give pleasure to your squaws.
The next day here come the Indian with a used rubber in hand.
He tossed it on the counter and said .. ...
1 Comments, 191 Views,
8 Votes
,2.09 Score
|
|
Table Dancing 11/21/2014
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on
a table.
I said, "Good legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now."
0 Comments, 118 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
Pool Peeing 11/21/2014
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The
lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
0 Comments, 108 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
|
Guessing Age 11/21/2014
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what
day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
0 Comments, 159 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
Shave and Haircut 11/21/2014
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said, "If
you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got yourhair cut, you'd
look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends
overthere instead of you."
0 Comments, 106 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
|
|
Beer belly 11/21/2014
This asshole looked at my beer belly last night andsarcastically
said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and
find out."
0 Comments, 48 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
A cowboy 11/21/2014
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
0 Comments, 46 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
Beaver 11/19/2014
One day a 7 year old boy was playing in his grandmother's
yard when suddenly he felt the urge to pee. So he ran into
the house and burst into the bathroom where is grandmother
had just walked out of the shower. He stood there for a few
seconds and asked grandma what's that between your
legs? She simply replied it's a beaver. So he went back
outside to play. Later that evening once he was home he ...
2 Comments, 229 Views,
10 Votes
,3.19 Score
|
|
joke 11/18/2014
A woman and her husband wake up one Saturday morning and
she turns and says to him, " are you going to mow the lawn
today honey?"
To which he replies " who do I look like, Mike’s Mowing
Service?" Not to be dismayed the wife goes on: "well
how about fixing the TV antennae then?" "Who do
I look like, The Acme Antennae Man?" And he gets up and goes off
to play golf . Returning home a few ...
1 Comments, 169 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
|
|
joke 11/18/2014
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle ...
1 Comments, 149 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
joke 11/18/2014
Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says:
"I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT??" The wife explains that he must not
be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman. The husband realizes that nothing
is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband ...
1 Comments, 158 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
|
|
joke 11/18/2014
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor says, 'I'm
sorry but you only have 6 hours to live.' So, the guy goes home and says to his wife, 'Honey, I only have 6 hours to live.' So, they go right to bed. They have sex and an hour later he says, 'Can we do it again?' His wife says, 'Well, okay.' An hour later he says, 'Honey, can we do it again?' His wife says, 'Well, okay, maybe one more time.'
They ...
0 Comments, 140 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Warning 11/16/2014
They call a girl with braces "A Black and Decker Pecker
Wrecker"
0 Comments, 29 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
|
|
Birth of a Candy Bar 11/15/2014
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw
Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of
Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered,
"hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk
for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my
Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't ...
2 Comments, 60 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Birth of a Candy Bar 11/15/2014
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw
Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of
Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered,
"hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Krunch on my big hunk
for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my
Tootsie Roll, and it was like Pure Almond Joy! I couldn't ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Funny 11/15/2014
16 year old boy tells his father that he had his first blow
job, dad looks all proud, then says "is it supposed
to taste that bad?"
1 Comments, 46 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
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Man Gets Arrested for creeping Lady Out on Bus . His Explanation is Perfect 11/14/2014
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a Bus . She noticed a man opposite her was smiling at her ... She
immediately moved to another seat . This time the smile turn into a grin , so she moved again ..
The Man seemed even more amused . when on the fourth move , the man burst out laughing , she
complained to the bus driver and he had the man arrested
. The case Came up in court .. the Judge asked ...
0 Comments, 160 Views,
15 Votes
,5.43 Score
|
|
2 Nuns 11/14/2014
2 nuns were cleaning the church when The Reverand Mother
came and said Ladies I need you to go to the store in town ....
Being good nuns they agreed to go ... They decided to take
a short cut through the woods and Half way through they Both
Got Sexually Assaulted ... The younger Nun says What are
we going to tell the Mother That we got Sexually Assaulted
and the older ones Says yeah How do we ...
0 Comments, 148 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
|
Teacher 11/12/2014
The teacher told her class that if they masturbated they
would go blind. Then Johnny raised his hand and the teacher
asked him if he had a question. Johnny asked "Can I
just do it till I need glasses?"
2 Comments, 87 Views,
11 Votes
,2.98 Score
|
|
New Boots 11/11/2014
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, recently moved to Texas.
Ray has always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots.
Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home,
walking proudly! He walks into the house and says to his
wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses,
and walks back ...
0 Comments, 127 Views,
11 Votes
,5.04 Score
|
|
boss 11/11/2014
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will
make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by
the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then
called her boyfriend and told him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask
him for $2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even
have enough time to undressed himself." So she ...
1 Comments, 94 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
|
|
Boobs and Willies 11/10/2014
A family is sitting around the supper table. The asks
his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, , there
are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's
breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties
to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging
a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?"
"Yes, you see them ...
0 Comments, 125 Views,
13 Votes
,4.99 Score
|
|
Advantages Of Breast Milk 11/10/2014
1: Cat can’t steal it.
2: No need to boil.
3: Available in attractive containers.
4: One is Free with another
5: Popular in all age group
6:No Expiry date
4 Comments, 66 Views,
13 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
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Man And Woman In Bus 11/10/2014
A man was sitting in bus his elbow touched a woman breast.
They are both quite startled. The man turns to woman and says, ‘Madam, if your heart
is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.’ She replies, ‘If your penis is as much hard as your elbow,
I’m in room 112.
1 Comments, 85 Views,
14 Votes
,5.22 Score
|
|
Condom talking to Whisper 11/10/2014
Condom talking to Whisper : Dear, Every month you stop my
business for one week Whisper says : oh , if you make a mistake for one time, I’ll
loose my business for “Nine” months…..
1 Comments, 51 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score
|
|
Gynecologist Appointment 11/10/2014
One night, couple were laying down the husband gently taps
his wife’s hip and starts rubbing her breast. The wife
turns over and said: sorry honey, I’ve gynecologist appointment
2morrow and I want to keep it fresh.”…………………………………..
The husband, dejected, turned over and tried to sleep.
Unable to sleep a few minute later, he taps his wife shoulder
again. ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
15 Votes
,6.04 Score
|
|
Hockey joke 11/9/2014
Q: What does an Montreal Canadiens fan do when his team has
won the Stanley Cup? A: He turns off the PlayStation 3.
0 Comments, 18 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Free sex 11/9/2014
A gas station in Toronto was trying to increase it's
sales. So the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex With
Fill-Up."
Soon a Canadian pulls in, fills his tank, and then asks for
his free sex. The gas attendent tells him pick to a number
from 1 to 10 if he guesses correctly, he will get his free
sex. The Canadian says, "9" The gas attendent
says, "You were close, sir, but the number was ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
10 Votes
,5.97 Score
|
|
Nipples [member username] 11/9/2014
When I was a wee lad I wondered why God gave me nipples. Girls
were little pests but they had nipples too, and Mum had nipples
that she used. What use were mine? By the time girls became
big girls and grew interesting shapes, I wondered why Darwin
gave me nipples. What use were mine? By the time girls became
women, I didn't wonder who given me niplles, just why!
And then I met Leila, and she ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
2 Votes
|
|
Senior Sex 11/8/2014
A senior couple goes to a doctor.
“We’re having a problem having sex, ” the man said.
“We’d like you to watch and see what we are doing wrong.”
The doctor reluctantly agrees and takes them into the exam
room. The couple gets undressed, climb on the exam table
and have sex.
When they’re done the doctor says, “I really don’t
see a problem with your ...
0 Comments, 173 Views,
12 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
It's really cold.... 11/8/2014
A Canadian was driving his snowmobile on a particularly
cold winter day. As he was nearing the end of his ride his
snowmobile broke down, luckily he was able to get it towed
to a nearby town so a mechanic could examine it.
As the mechanic was examining the machine, the snowmobiler
stepped outside to the cold in order to have a cigarette.
The mechanic came out and said "Buddy, I ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
|
|
little boy 11/8/2014
“A little boy and his friends are being called bastards
and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks,
"Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his
dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are
gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his
mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume
bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom,
what is shit?" and she says, ...
4 Comments, 134 Views,
13 Votes
,5.32 Score
|
|
girl 11/8/2014
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences
between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the
boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have
that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty
upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her
face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy ...
2 Comments, 91 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
|
boy 11/8/2014
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because
I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that
p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
0 Comments, 33 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
|
girl friend 11/8/2014
I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine
the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the
wild nights we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe
it when she asked if I’d like to meet up and maybe rekindle
a little of that magic. "Wow!", I said, "I
don’t know if I could keep pace with you now! I’m a bit
older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!" She ...
2 Comments, 128 Views,
12 Votes
,4.04 Score
|
|
18 dau 11/7/2014
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at
the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay
off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned
it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they’re
father and said "can I sleep with your 18 daughters?"
the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs."
the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep ...
5 Comments, 114 Views,
12 Votes
,4.74 Score
|
|
a boy 11/7/2014
A little boy walks into a house with a $100 bill and
a dead frog. He goes to the and asks for the ho with the
most venerial diseases. The is surprised but gives
the boy his ho. After the boy does his deed, the asks
why he wanted the ho with all the venerial diseases. The
boy answers: When I go home, I will get a babysitter while
my parents go out to eat and I’ll fuck her. When my parents ...
1 Comments, 106 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
|
|
Dirty jokes 11/7/2014
The elephant asked a camel, why do u hv ur breasts on ur back.?
Camel irritated but modest replies, wha a silly Q from someone
who has a dick on his face. 
2 Comments, 44 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score
|
|
Mixed feelings 11/4/2014
It's the feelings you get seeing your mother in law
driving your new Mercedes off a cliff.
1 Comments, 57 Views,
10 Votes
,2.19 Score
|
|
Aarush's Laws of Sex 11/4/2014
Three Law's of AArush First One is "Every men has pole but Women has hole"
Second ONe "When pole enters into hole it produce
new soul" Third One "Hand in motion produces lotion."
0 Comments, 26 Views,
3 Votes
|
|
HAHA 11/3/2014
What's worse than having your doctor tell you you have
an STD? Having your dentist tell you.
3 Comments, 66 Views,
8 Votes
,2.55 Score
|
|
humour 10/31/2014
a man goes to church one Sunday and when he comes back from
church he lift up his wife up and let her down after some time,
the wife with all smiles and blushes and say to him "you
really show that you love me today, you should go to church
more often" Then continues to ask "what happened
at church?" the man replied "the Pastor said that when we get home,
we should lift up our problems to the ...
1 Comments, 134 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
|
|
Polish Hookers 10/30/2014
In Poland hookers line the country roads waiting for truckers
or other men to need sex. A major fire had broken out in the
area. To help, a city fire unit came in.. The sirens screamed
as the firemen approached a waiting next to a small
donkey and cart with a bed in the back pulled to the side.
The fire truck zoomed by. A moment later, a hook-and-ladder
came tearing along. As it turned ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
|
Witches 10/30/2014
Here's one for Halloween..... Why don't witches wear panties????????????
So they can grip their broom better!
Why can't ghost have ???????????
Because they have Hallo weenies. Hope you all get alot of tricks and especially treats.
2 Comments, 46 Views,
7 Votes
,0.75 Score
|
|
Train Ride 10/29/2014
Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.
Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the
top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone
without underwear.
The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"
"Yes, I'm sorry, " says Joe and promises
to avert his eyes.
"It's ...
5 Comments, 233 Views,
18 Votes
,4.35 Score
|
|
Mustache 10/27/2014
A mustache is just a bumper for hi speed cock suckers.
3 Comments, 32 Views,
9 Votes
|
|
new bird 10/27/2014
They went and crossed 2 birds, a woodpecker and a swallow.
You know what they called it? a peckerheadedcocksucker
2 Comments, 28 Views,
6 Votes
,1.09 Score
|
|
Boss said to his secretary 10/26/2014
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will
make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by the time you bend down
to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a moment then called her boyfriend and told
him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for
$2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even
have enough time to undressed himself." So she ...
4 Comments, 147 Views,
15 Votes
,4.51 Score
|
|
The burglar 10/25/2014
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
‘Jesus knows you’re here.’ He nearly jumped out
of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When
he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and
continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect
the wires, clear as a bell he heard a ...
3 Comments, 141 Views,
15 Votes
,4.66 Score
|
|
Low Sperm Count 10/25/2014
A 70 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a
sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take
this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day the 70 year old man reappears at the doctor's
office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty
as on - the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explains: "Well,
doc, it's like this: ...
4 Comments, 132 Views,
13 Votes
,4.49 Score
|
|
The Dentist 10/25/2014
One day, a man walked into a dentist's surgery and asked
how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth. "Forty quid, " the dentist said. "That's a ridiculous amount, " the man
said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well, " the dentist said, "if you don't
use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to 30 pounds."
Looking annoyed, the man said, "That's still
far too expensive!" "Okay, " said the ...
2 Comments, 135 Views,
9 Votes
,1.93 Score
|
|
Well Endowed 10/25/2014
A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little
too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches
long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men
either, one would think. Anyway, the doctor says there's
nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch
that he thinks might be able to help.
The Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells
him to go to ...
2 Comments, 170 Views,
11 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
Man and woman 10/24/2014
Man "Want to hear a joke about my dick? Never mind,
its too long."
Woman "Wanna hear a joke about my pussy? Never mind,
you won't get it"
3 Comments, 56 Views,
12 Votes
,2.62 Score
|
|
Baking the Cake :D 10/24/2014
A little guy surprisingly caught his mum and dad having
sex on the couch which is next the kitchen at night.
The little curious questioned: "What were you doing
with dad?
The Mum was surprised and said: "We were baking a cake
for your birthday tomorrow"
The next day the little guy asked his mum: "The cake
in the kitchen, it is the one you were baking with dad?" ...
3 Comments, 127 Views,
8 Votes
,1.16 Score
|
|
CAT 10/24/2014
Tom: Brother!! help.. dad will kill our cat!!
John (Tom's Bro) : Whaaaaaat?? Why are you saying that??
Tom: Yesterday I heard dad saying to mum " I want to
eat your pussy!!"..
John: ROFL.. Dont worry.. its not our cat that dad's
talking
2 Comments, 61 Views,
6 Votes
,1.66 Score
|
|
the wife 10/22/2014
He looked deep into the eyes of the woman he loved and said,
"My heart is broken. I saw you with another man yesterday."
"Oh don't be silly!" she replied, "That
was just my husband, you know there's no one but you."
4 Comments, 92 Views,
10 Votes
,2.19 Score
|
|
Hi 10/19/2014
All these single guys trying to hook up now that's a
joke.
1 Comments, 41 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
|
|
Lube 10/19/2014
How Much Lube Do You Need For Anal Sex?
A Buttload!!!
1 Comments, 19 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
|
|
Elderly Couple 10/19/2014
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going
out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time
to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long
conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.Finally,
the elderly gentleman ...
2 Comments, 156 Views,
14 Votes
,4.74 Score
|
|
Scottsman 10/19/2014
How'd the Scottsman find the sheep in the tall grass?
Quite friendly!
What's the difference between the Rolling Stones
and a Scottish farmer?
The Stones sang: "Hey you, get off a my cloud."
The farmer yells: "Hey McCloud, get off a my ewe!"
1 Comments, 43 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
|
|
Missing 10/19/2014
Recently, a distraught wife went to the local police station,
along with her next-door neighbor, to report that her husband
was missing. The policeman asked for a description of the
missing man.
The wife said, “He is 35 years old, 6-foot 4-inches, has
dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185
pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the .”
The next-door neighbor ...
1 Comments, 133 Views,
9 Votes
,2.14 Score
|
|
Laughing lips 10/19/2014
So this girl goes to the plastic surgeon to get better lips.
After a while she wasn't satisfied with them anymore
and decided to sue the plastic surgeon who did the operation;
she discovered that the lips had previously belonged to
a deceased clown.
So why did she want to sue?
She sued him because.. after the surgery... her lips 'made
her feel funny' ...
0 Comments, 62 Views,
4 Votes
,1.30 Score
|
|
Amish 10/19/2014
Clip clop clip clop bang bang bang.... an Amish drive by
shooting.
1 Comments, 13 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
How to start a fight 10/19/2014
\
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought
you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
|
|
Construction workers at a convent 10/17/2014
There was a large construction project going on at a convent.
The project had been going on for a while and there had been
a few problems, so people's nerves were on edge. Finally
one day, the mother superior of the convent called the construction
supervisor into her office.
"Sir, you HAVE to talk with your men! This is a holy
place, blessed by God, and their language is not suitable
for ...
2 Comments, 159 Views,
9 Votes
,3.64 Score
|
|
How to get a nun pregnant 10/17/2014
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy
0 Comments, 27 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Mr Angus McDonald [blog username] 10/15/2014
My old friend Angus, 85, needed some extensive surgery.
As the consultant ran through the preliminary pre-op list
with Angus, ticking boxes, he paused and said, "Irrelevant".
Angus said, "what?". The consultant at him
mildly and said, "Oh, just the sperm freezing, seems
pointless at your age?" "Hell, no, I'll
have that". The consultant shrugged, and handed
him a bottle with a safety lid. "Just ...
0 Comments, 84 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
|
|
Two Hunters 10/15/2014
Two hunters, neither of whom had an IQ much higher than a
rock, were out hunting one day. As they were walking along
the dirt road through the woods, they came upon a sign. The
sign said "Bear Left", so they went home.
0 Comments, 48 Views,
5 Votes
,2.16 Score
|
|
Two idiots 10/13/2014
These two idiots were walking through the wood and came
across a sink hole. They wondered how deep it was and threw
a rock down and never heard it land. they decided they needed
something larger so they grabbed a railroad tie lying near
by and tossed it into the hole. Right after they threw the
tie a goat whizzed by them and jumped down the hole. The looked
at each other and shrugged their ...
2 Comments, 125 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score
|
|
Someone from back home 10/13/2014
A couple in their 50's were traveling in their RV from
Maine to Florida. They stopped for gas in Georgia and the
attendant asked the guy if he wanted to fill it up. The wife
being very hard of hearing said "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The husband yelled 'HE ASKED IF WE WANTED TO FILL IT
UP." While pumping the gas the attendant asked the
husband if he wanted his oil checked and he said yes. The
wife again ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
|
|
fucking love 10/12/2014
I said fuck yu man
0 Comments, 26 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Turna Brown 10/12/2014
One day on an elevator there was a black guy and a white guy
talking. The white guy could barely understand the black
guy because he talked to fast. The black guy introduced
himself by saying I'm 7 ft tall, with a 12 inch cock,
right ball weigh 50 lbs, left ball weigh 50 lbs, and they
call me Turna Brown. The white guy passes out. After a few
minutes the white guy woke up off the floor and ask ...
0 Comments, 106 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
|
and so it goes 10/11/2014
From a friends profile I read: ....."A Penis has a
sad life: His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor
is an asshole and his owner beats him" 
1 Comments, 33 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
railroad 10/11/2014
A man is telling his friend of a recent experience: "I
was walking along beside the railway line" he says,
"When I saw this girl tied to the tracks. Well, naturally
I freed her, pulled her off the tracks and ended up having
sex with her all night." "Did you get a blow job?"
asks his friend. "No!" he says, "I never
did find the head.
1 Comments, 36 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
doctors office 10/11/2014
There was a girl that came into the doctors office. Then
awed by her beauty all his professionalism goes right out
the window. He tells her to take her pants off , then he starts
to rub her thighs, he asked her "Do you know what I am
doing?" She replied "Yes your checking for
abnorbilities." Then he tell her to take of her bra
and shirt and he rubs her boobs and asks her "Do you
know what I am ...
0 Comments, 122 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Fens 10/11/2014
Best chat up line in Spalding is "I've come to
widen your gene pool". Definition of a virgin in Wisbech
is a girl who can run faster than her uncle. username...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
a day at the office...lol 10/11/2014
A boss said to his secretary I want to have SEX with you I will
make it very fast. I'll throw $1000 on the floor, by
the time you bend down to pick it I'll be done. She thought
for a moment then called her boyfriend and told him the story.
Her boyfriend then said to her, do it but "Ask him for
$2000, pick up the money very fast he wouldn't even
have enough time to undressed himself." So she ...
0 Comments, 83 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Fucked now 10/11/2014
A woman with no arms or legs was sitting on the beach when
along a , an jogging down the beach. So she gets his attention
and tells him she has never been hugged. So he reached down and hugged her then went on his way.
A few minutes later another man comes jogging down the beach.
So she gets his attention and tells him she's never
been kissed. So he reached down and kissed her and went ...
1 Comments, 98 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
Elderly lady 10/11/2014
I Was at the ATM Yesterday When an Elderly Lady Approached
and Asked Me to Help Her Check Her Balance.....So I Pushed
Her...Who Knew???
1 Comments, 47 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
|
|
PARKING SPOTS 10/11/2014
What are the similarities between women and car parking
spaces?
All the good ones are taken so sometimes when no-ones looking
you stick it in a disabled one.
0 Comments, 18 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
TRUE????? 10/11/2014
The American Government has revealed it's emergency
plans in case of an outbreak of Ebola were to happen in the
states. The Emergency plans are as follows....
More guns.
0 Comments, 41 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
OUCH 10/11/2014
Ebola - finishing what Live Aid started
0 Comments, 16 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
cat 10/9/2014
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because
I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that
p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Try not to giggle! 10/9/2014
Went to my weight watchers group the other day & dropped
my malteasers on the floor, well it was best game of Hungry
Hippos I've ever seen!!
0 Comments, 26 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
|
The three rings associated with marriage ? 10/8/2014
(1) Engagement ring ! (2) Wedding ring ! (3) The suffer ring !!
0 Comments, 9 Views,
1 Votes
|
|
No nuts or bolts required! 10/8/2014
IKEA have launched a new easy to assemble Lesbian bed, there's
no screwing together but a lot of tongue in groove!!
1 Comments, 24 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
New & Improved 10/6/2014
When a product comes out as "New & Improved"
does that mean we were idiots for buying the old version?
1 Comments, 17 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
Milk 10/6/2014
Is all Chinese milk Lo Fat?
1 Comments, 11 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
The Beaver 10/6/2014
*When Jerry Mathers loses his hair will he be known as the
Brazilian Beaver?
0 Comments, 6 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Ugly Women 10/6/2014
I HAVE NEVER GONE TO BED WITH AN UGLY WOMAN..... I have woken
up with a few, though.
1 Comments, 17 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
Linoleum 10/6/2014
Did you hear about the mohel who saved all the foreskins?
He glued them to the linoleum and when he buffed them he got
a hard wood floor.
1 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Invisible ink? 10/6/2014
If Claude Rains got a tattoo would they use invisible ink?
0 Comments, 5 Views,
1 Votes
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Bad driver 10/6/2014
My ex- was such a bad driver she hit more trees than George
of the Jungle.
0 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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3 boobs 10/6/2014
All MARRIED women have three boobs… if you include the
one they married.
0 Comments, 9 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Jokes 10/6/2014
A family is at the dinner table. The asks the father,
“Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?” The father,
surprised, answers, “Well, , a woman goes through
three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons,
round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears, still
nice, hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions.”
“Onions?” the asks. “Yes. You see them and ...
1 Comments, 54 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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Indian Names 10/5/2014
An Indian boy went to his mother and asked, “How do Indian
boys get their name?”
Mom told him, “I don’t know, ask your father.”
He went to his father. “How do Indian boys get their name?”
Dad said, “I don’t know, ask the medicine man.”
The boy went to the medicine man. “How do Indian boys get
their name?”
The medicine man ...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Engaged Couple 10/5/2014
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved
in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly
Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly
get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked
him.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first
time anyone has ...
1 Comments, 121 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Sundry thoughts 10/4/2014
Waltz= Navel encounter without loss of semen.
Group names A chapter of Trollops A refusal of Bank Managers. An exaggeration of Estate Agents(Realtors) A fanfare of Strumpets.
Book titles. Shorter skirts by Seymour Legg 20 years in the saddle by Major Bumsore. Baby's Revenge by Nora Titsoff
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Choose carefully! 9/29/2014
Stephen Hawking has been found at home with a fractured
skull & broken hip. Police suspect that his new girlfriend
stood him up!!
0 Comments, 41 Views,
6 Votes
,1.94 Score
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a birch or a beech 9/29/2014
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says
to the birch, 'Is that a of a beech or a of a birch?'
The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker
lands on the sapling.
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert.
Can you tell if that is a of a beech or a of a birch?'
The ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
6 Votes
,2.51 Score
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FARM joins the Marines 9/27/2014
Dear Ma and Pa,
I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer
the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile.
Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till
nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell
Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth ...
6 Comments, 146 Views,
16 Votes
,6.07 Score
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The Wedding Night 9/24/2014
A couple got married and on their wedding night they retired
to their room. She excused herself and went into the bathroom
to “get ready”. He was eager to see his wife naked so
he knelt by the bathroom door and peeked in through the keyhole.
The first thing he saw was his wife taking of her wig. Then
he watched her take off her false eyelashes. Next came her
bra with all it’s ...
2 Comments, 225 Views,
9 Votes
,2.57 Score
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anal joke 9/24/2014
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she
is staying home because she is not feeling well.
"What's the matter?" he asks.
"I have a case of anal glaucoma, " she says in
a weak voice.
"What the hell is anal glaucoma?"
"I can't see my ass coming into work today
2 Comments, 73 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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Honest reply 9/24/2014
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening
25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you
first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through
your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck
your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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the value of a quarter 9/20/2014
im shopping with some friends were heading back to the car
i go to return the 25 cent cart as i see my friends skid out
of the parking lot and drive start to drive away as i yell
jokes on you I got your quarter
1 Comments, 98 Views,
12 Votes
,0.86 Score
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Do not stop... please... 9/20/2014
There is an Italian, a Frenchman, and an Englishman sitting
in a bar talking... and the Italian is bragging that last
night he made love to his wife 3 times and this morning his
wife made him breakfast in bed and told him how amazing he
was the night before. The Frenchman said "That’s
nothing. I made love to my wife 5 times last night and then
this morning to show her appreciation she made me ...
2 Comments, 195 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
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Without Fail.... 9/20/2014
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced five
husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband,
"Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin." "What?"
said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you’ve
been married five times?" "Well, Husband 1
was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be. Husband 2 was an engineer; he understood
the basic process ...
4 Comments, 134 Views,
10 Votes
,5.58 Score
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Scotland 9/19/2014
I used to chase skirt all over the world,
till I got to Scotland.....
Holy shit was I surprised.......
3 Comments, 72 Views,
12 Votes
,3.51 Score
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House Painter 9/19/2014
There is a guy painting a house and he gets tired of painting
and goes to a whorehouse and says, "Give me the biggest black woman
that you have"
So the Madame at the whorehouse says, "Go upstairs
she's in the corner, "
So the painter goes upstairs and says, "Spread your
legs as much as possible."
She does and he walks away. The black woman then says, "Is
that all you ...
2 Comments, 139 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Amish Elevator 9/19/2014
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially
by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then
slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,
", I have never seen anything like this in my life,
I don"t know what it ...
2 Comments, 112 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
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THE STAR OF THE SHOW 9/19/2014
A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the
sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director
that he will be notified when the movie is released to the
public.
Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie
will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The
musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and
shades. Unaccustomed to porno ...
2 Comments, 130 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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Observing the perverted mind 9/16/2014
What’s most useful when it’s long and hard? A college education.
2 Comments, 59 Views,
11 Votes
,2.98 Score
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Remove the hat???? 9/16/2014
A women goes into a Photo shop after reading a sign in the
window that reads...All photos reproduced for $5.
She gives her picture of her later husband to the owner and
says...can your reproduce this photo but with the mole
he has on his chin can you leave that out?
The owner replies....Sure, not a problem
The lady then askes...How much?
The owner ...
1 Comments, 160 Views,
14 Votes
,2.82 Score
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Fat Girlfriend 9/15/2014
How do you know when your girlfriend is starting to get Fat??
When she starts to fit into your wife's clothes!!
1 Comments, 39 Views,
10 Votes
,3.39 Score
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Fallen 9/15/2014
An old priest who became sick of all the people in his parish
who kept confessing to adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit,
he said, "If I hear one more person confess to adultery,
I'll leave the priesthood!" Well, everyone
liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had
committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well,
until ...
2 Comments, 142 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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Great Chicken 9/14/2014
Whoo man, I fingered this fat bitch earlier and it was just
like sticking your hand in a greasy bucket of KFC chicken,
with the exception of wanting to lick your fingers after.
0 Comments, 44 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
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Doggy visit to the vet 9/14/2014
Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the
Vets waiting room.
The first man's asked the second man's dog
what he's there for.
They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why?
The second says, "Well, you see... I've been
chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught
him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep.
The ...
1 Comments, 137 Views,
9 Votes
,5.99 Score
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AT THE AUCTION 9/14/2014
Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went
for twenty dollars." Husband : "How about the ones like mine?" Wife : "Those they gave away." Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning
off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little
tight ones went for two thousand." Wife : "And how much for the ...
0 Comments, 129 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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ANAL 9/14/2014
My girlfriend said if this gets 100 votes we'll try
anal.
So please don't vote, her strap on is huge and it really
scares me.
0 Comments, 39 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
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Must be a blonde 9/14/2014
she thought a quarterback was a refund
She thought General Motors was in the Army.
At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign
Here", she wrote Sagittarius.
Under "education" on her job application,
she put "Hooked on Phonics".
She spent twenty minutes looking at the orange juice can
because it said "concentrate".
She told me to meet her at the ...
0 Comments, 73 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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spell what????????????? 9/14/2014
I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles.
My next crap could spell disaster.
0 Comments, 34 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Magnums 9/14/2014
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if
the store carries extra-large condoms.
“Yes we do, ” he says. “Would you like to buy some?”
“No, ” she replies. “But do you mind if I wait around
until someone does?”
0 Comments, 35 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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Metal of Bravery 9/14/2014
An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier.
With considerable bravery, the soldier ran directly onto
the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch
case from a dead soldier.
In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
“Private…” the officer said, “I’m recommending
you for a medal of bravery. You risked your life to save the
locations ...
2 Comments, 112 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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russian 9/14/2014
Why did the Russian wear fur underwear?
Ans:He wanted ball to ball carpeting.
2 Comments, 39 Views,
9 Votes
,3.00 Score
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Geting screwed 9/13/2014
Guy walks up to the bartender and says
" I wanna
get fucked, you know where I can go to get fucked around here?"
Bartender says "Go to the apartment building across
the street, upstairs to
apartment 3b and knock on the
door, but it might not be what you're expecting"
Guy says "I don't care, I wanna get fucked"
and heads out the door.
Once he gets there, he pounds
on the door ...
1 Comments, 191 Views,
11 Votes
,4.10 Score
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ski lodge 9/13/2014
Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough
rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night,
the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild,
vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left
wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream,
too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's
funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"
1 Comments, 46 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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QUICKIES 9/11/2014
* A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are
you omfortable? " The man says, "I make a good
living."
* I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law
to the airport.
* I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
* Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting
it. The thief spends ...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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IRISH & HIS FIRST PINT 9/11/2014
My and his first pint ....... I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons
and memories came flooding back of the time I took my
out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from
the house. I got him a Harp. He didn't like it - so I had
it. Then I got him a Guinness, he didn't like it, so I
had it. It was the same with the Kilkenny and ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
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STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR????? 9/11/2014
If you get stuck in an elevator, what do you do?
1. You start to scream and shout hysterically ?
2. You cry like a baby ?
3. You get claustrophobic ?
4. You call the fire department for help ?
5. You call the caretaker for help ? ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
6 Votes
,5.93 Score
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PUZZLER????? 9/11/2014
Puzzler?
Either it's the most fascinating book...or she's
reading the Instruction Manual.
2 Comments, 35 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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Remember to put your toys away... 9/11/2014
This happened to one of my friends..Well mum and dad were
getting ready for work..mum in the kitchen making breakfast,
dad in the shower..and junior, only 4 yrs old..making his
way around the house....Well dad got dried and dressed,
mum finished off breakfast..had lunch ready for dad..And
then dad was looking for his keys in a panic and said he must
have left them on the bedside table ...the ...
0 Comments, 126 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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The World's Greatest Golfer 9/9/2014
The golfer hit his ball onto the green in Ireland. When he
approaches the green he sees a leprechaun sitting on the
hole. The leprechaun told him, “Leprechaun law says
you get any wish you want.”
The golfer immediately says, “I want to be the world’s
greatest golfer.”
The leprechaun tells him, “I can do that but it’s going
to affect your sex life.”
...
2 Comments, 171 Views,
7 Votes
,5.33 Score
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Dumb & Dumber 9/7/2014
A mother and father took their to a nude beach. As the
boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies
had boobs bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her , "The bigger they are the dumber the
person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes
to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many
of the men have larger "units" than his dad. ...
1 Comments, 139 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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joke 9/7/2014
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a pussy to their design. First was a butcher, with smart wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit, Second was a carpenter, strong and bold, with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole, Third was a tailor, tall and thin, by using red velvet, he lined it within, Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, with a piece of fox fur, he lined it ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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GOOD CLEANING 9/6/2014
An old man and his wife were always arguing, he would yell
and scream she would sit quietly and then get up and go and
clean the toilet.
One day he asked her why she didn’t get mad at him. She replied
I just go and clean the toilet.
How does that help he asked,
I use your toothbrush she replied.
0 Comments, 43 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
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THANKS 9/6/2014
I wonder if a receptionist at a sperm bank has ever used the
phrase: "Thanks for coming."
1 Comments, 39 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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DINNER 9/6/2014
My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and
asked what I was doing?
Apparently "heating your dinner" wasn't
a good answer.
0 Comments, 30 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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Oral Sex Survey 9/6/2014
5000 MEN WERE SURVEYED AS TO WHY THEY LIKE TO RECEIVE ORAL
SEX.
1% LIKED THE WARMTH,
2% LIKED THE SENSATION,
3% LIKED THE EROTICISM,
94% JUST LIKED THE PEACE & QUIET.
3 Comments, 41 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
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The Geezer 9/6/2014
Eighty year old man walks into the doctors office one day,
steps up to the receptionist where she says
"Good morning sir, how may we help you today?"
"Gotta problem with ma cock"
"Need to see the doctor"
(Several gasps and snickers from around the waiting room)
"SIR!" the receptionist says.
"You can't just come in to a public place and say
things like ...
0 Comments, 141 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score
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What's politics actually all about... 9/6/2014
A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call
me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working
Class. And your baby brother, we'll ...
1 Comments, 72 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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4 stages of sex... 9/5/2014
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over
the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you
only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many
years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK
YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in
the divorce court in ...
1 Comments, 51 Views,
8 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Rating a Blonde 9/4/2014
A drop-dead gorgeous blonde walks into a bar. Immediately
the guys start grading her. She hears a 9, 9.5, 9.2, etc.
Then she hears a 6! She’s stunned. She identifies the
man who gave the low number and approaches him.
“I’m really hurt. I have never been rate below a nine
and you rated me a six! Why?”
The man says, “I grade on the Budweiser scale.”
...
1 Comments, 223 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score
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The face lift 9/4/2014
A woman went in to get a face lift, and during the consultation,
the doctor pointed out that over the course of time, it might be necessary to come in periodically for a "tightening"
to maintain the look. Another option he explained, was a new procedure that installs
a device so the patient could "self adjust"
over time so she wouldn't need to make further appointments. However, he did recommend ...
2 Comments, 109 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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The Nudist Beach 9/1/2014
The family went to the nudist beach one afternoon, and after a while, the little boy comes running up to his
dad... "daddy daddy daddy, I just saw a man with a bigger penus
than you."
"Well , you know what they say. The bigger they
are the dumber they are".
A little while later the little girl come running up and
says "mommy mommy mommy, I just saw a woman with bigger
boobs than ...
1 Comments, 165 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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The General 9/1/2014
The General had just taken command of the desert outpost
and was out inspecting the camp with the sergeant. When they got to the parade grounds the general pulls up
short and asks:
"Sergeant! What's this camel doing tied up to
the flag pole?"
Sergeantt: "Well sir......she um.........well,
it is a long way from town you know, and she really does boost morale around ...
0 Comments, 133 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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TODAY'S THOUGHT 8/31/2014
Today's Thought
According to recent studies, blowjobs are the healthiest
breakfast.
It comes with a sausage, two nuts and a protein shot.
Stay healthy girls... suck a dick!
1 Comments, 37 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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Taffy pull 8/30/2014
Father MacElry had just completed the Seminary and was
at his first posting as an assistant Catholic Priest in
a fairly large parish.
After getting settled
in, hearing some confessions, serving a few communions,
officiating at a few midnight masses, it was determined
that he should give the sermon on the following Sunday.
His
first time in the pulpit had the hapless assistant's ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
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eating the pussy 8/30/2014
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because
I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that
pussy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
2 Comments, 63 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
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eating the pussy 8/30/2014
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because
I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that
p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
2 Comments, 45 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
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How Embarrasking! 8/29/2014
This isn't really a joke, it's actually a true
story.
When I was younger, a best friend of my older
sister had a baby girl.
The mother was the epitome
of a Flower and was so "progressive" that
the speed of light had nothing on her!
Being as
progressive and "with it" as she was, she taught
her about the "birds and the bees"
at a very early age, around 4 years old.
Big ...
1 Comments, 131 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
|
|
The difference between an elephant and a train 8/29/2014
A mother took her to the zoo because they had just opened
a "family" section that contained mother and
father animals and their new born offspring.
They
saw the Mama Elephant with the Papa Elephant and their baby
Elephant.
The saw the Mama Zebra, the Papa Zebra
and the baby Zebra
The saw many different kinds
of animals together with their offspring.
On
the train ride ...
2 Comments, 131 Views,
10 Votes
,4.78 Score
|
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The Golf Lesson 8/29/2014
Mrs. Jones wanted to learn to play golf so she went to the
local teaching pro. He had her hit some balls with her seven
iron, as that’s a fairly easy club to hit. She popped them
up, dribbled some off the tee. In other words couldn’t
hit at all.
The pro said, “Mrs. Jones, you’re squeezing the club
to tight. Now this may not sound polite but I want you to hold
the club like ...
5 Comments, 253 Views,
14 Votes
,6.02 Score
|
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Have you confessed? 8/29/2014
Two teenage catholic boy went to confession. The first
one finished first and the 2nd one took his turn. Bless me
father for I have sin. What have you done ? The boy replied:
' I had performed inappropriate act with a teenage
girl '.
The priest replied: who is it ? I know all the teenage
girls in this parish. Is it Mary? No father, I can't
say. Is it Cathy? No father I really can't tell ...
4 Comments, 228 Views,
18 Votes
,5.03 Score
|
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Heads up 8/29/2014
A 5 yr old boy asked her mother: " when you go to heaven,
do you go head first or feet up first" ? With a puzzled
look, the mother answered his : ' we go head first
when we go to heaven'. But may I ask why you are asking
this question?
The replied: ' I saw this woman in the park, she was
screaming ' Lord I'm coming' with her feet
up. Its a good thing this man was on top of her trying ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
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Wrong Password 8/28/2014
A couple recently bought a laptop and while trying to set
up a new password for their laptop, the husband proposed
"mydick"; the wife fell on the ground laughing.
The screen showed : "password too short"
1 Comments, 36 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
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Ole & Sven 8/27/2014
Two bachelor Norwegian farmers, brothers Ole and Sven
were working in the 40 down by the county road.
A sporty red convertible pulls up and driving it is a women
the likes of which they'd never seen! They thought
she was the most beautiful thing they had ever seen!
If you saw their cow Bessy though, you'd understand
that that didn't take much.
But anyway, she was ...
0 Comments, 85 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Ole & Lena 8/27/2014
When Ole & Lena first got married, they came up with
a code word they could use to indicate to each other that
they were hot to trot and not to spare the Rommegrot.
The word they came up with was "Washing Machine".
It's been a number of decades that Ole and Lena have
been married now and what was "hot to trot" is
now closer to luke warm to sit down.
Anyway, Ole feels like trottin' one ...
1 Comments, 61 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
I said 12 inches!!! 8/27/2014
A piss-pot General from a backwater country needed to buy
condoms for his troops.
He contacts Trojan in the US and trying to impress the salesman,
says that he wants 10, 000 condoms for 12" dicks!
The salesman says, "Sir, do you really mean "inches"
as in US Standard "inch", that seems quite long?"
The General gets all huffy and says, "I said 12 inches
and I mean 12 inches!!!!"
...
0 Comments, 103 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
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OLE & LENA AGAIN 8/26/2014
Ole was on his deathbed, and asked Lena to have all his
and relatives come to his bedroom.
When they were there, he named each one - were they there?
Yes they were all there. He said, "then why are the
lights still on in the living room downstairs?"
2 Comments, 70 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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OLE & LENA 8/26/2014
And the other one was Ole was on his deathbed, and he could
smell something good that Lena was baking.
He crawled down the stairs and reached on the table for a
good cookie, but Lena slapped his hand.
"You can't have any - they're for the funeral!"
0 Comments, 39 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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Mature joke 8/25/2014
The other day, I bumped into a Middle Aged Woman over 40's
with her Grown up Standing besides her in a hotel lobby
Elevator and accidentally my elbow went into her Breast
.... We were both quite startled .. ....
I turned to her when the Elevator stopped at the Ground floor
after her left... and said, 'Ma'am, if your
Heart is as Soft as your Breast, I know you'll forgive me ...
0 Comments, 90 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Same Price 8/20/2014
Man to a Super Hot Air Hostess: Whats your name? Air Hostess : Eva Benz Man : Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz? Air Hostess : ( smiling ) Yes Same Price!!
2 Comments, 60 Views,
11 Votes
,3.35 Score
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SCAM 8/15/2014
Just got scammed out of $25.
Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's all about golf.
Absolute waste of money!
Pass this on so others don't get scammed
4 Comments, 54 Views,
11 Votes
,4.66 Score
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THE DIFFERENCE?????? 8/15/2014
Have you ever smelled moth balls? - How did you get their
little legs apart?
What's the difference between a bull and a cow?A bull
smiles when you milk it
What’s the difference between a blond and a Mosquito?The
mosquito stops sucking after you slap it.
What’s the difference between a regular toad and a horney
toad?A regular toad croaks "Ribbit Ribbit"
while a ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
14 Votes
,5.86 Score
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BANNED 8/15/2014
What do you get when you inject human DNA into a goat?
Apparently banned from the petting zoo...
1 Comments, 43 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score
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NO WHAT????? 8/15/2014
What do you call a woman with no clitoris?
It doesn't matter, she's not going to come.
5 Comments, 49 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score
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OLD BOB 8/15/2014
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give
me one last request, dear, " he said.
"Of course, John, " his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die, " John said, "I
want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob, " she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
1 Comments, 70 Views,
9 Votes
,5.56 Score
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LARRY'S BAR???? 8/15/2014
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is
unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's
bar and picks up men.
In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going
crazy. What do you think I should do?"
"Relax, " says the Doctor, "take a deep
breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's
bar?"
1 Comments, 49 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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PESSIMIST 8/15/2014
Me: - Sweetie, why is the bottle of whiskey half empty?
Wife: - Because you're a pessimist, honey!
1 Comments, 24 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
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STAY 8/15/2014
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the local shopping
center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador
Retriever pup had fresh air.
She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted
to impress upon her that she must remain there.
I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the
car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you
hear me? Stay! ...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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MOB BOSS 8/15/2014
And we all know why a Mfioso Boss is like a two inch penis?
You don't wanna fuck with either of them!
1 Comments, 23 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score
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MAFIOSO 8/15/2014
Luigi walks 20 blocks to work every day and passes a shoe
store twice every day. Each day he stops and looks to admire
the Armani leather shoes.
He wants those shoes so much...it's all he can think
about. After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases
them.
Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance
in the church basement - Luigi seizes ...
0 Comments, 78 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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Mother's Milk 8/13/2014
The professor was lecturing a hall full of medical students
on milk for babies. He asked the question ‘Which is better
for the baby cows milk or mother’s milk and give me three
reasons why?’
One student immediately raised his hand. The professor
asked him which one was better.
“Mother’s milk of course. First, it contains all the
nutrients the baby needs. Two, ...
3 Comments, 204 Views,
11 Votes
,5.04 Score
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Trip to the vet. 8/7/2014
The man who takes his pet gorilla to the vet.The vet says, "she
sure is small for a gorilla."That's funny! That's
what my friends say about my wife.The man replied
0 Comments, 103 Views,
7 Votes
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Shameful 8/7/2014
How shameful is your sex life? More or less than you're
comfortable with? What about your fantasy life? As is patently
obvious, I have severe sexual dysfunctions that amuse
me to no end, so recently I thought to wrap up some of you,
my readers, in my own depravity by way of a sex survey and
see if there's anything we can learn about sex, fantasy,
and shame together in a friendly yet uncomfortable ...
2 Comments, 65 Views,
2 Votes
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First time 8/7/2014
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.The boy is ecstatic, but he
has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist
to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it’s his ...
1 Comments, 105 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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First time 8/7/2014
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet,
and have a dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and
make love for the first time.The boy is ecstatic, but he
has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist
to get some condoms.. He tells the pharmacist it’s his ...
3 Comments, 65 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score
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yup 8/7/2014
how many pigs it take to screw a light bulb nonelol
0 Comments, 22 Views,
1 Votes
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A Bull Story 8/6/2014
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an
old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect
your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field
over there, " as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister,
I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
Reaching into his ...
3 Comments, 201 Views,
11 Votes
,5.60 Score
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Sex After Death 8/4/2014
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back
and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to
die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:
"Marion ... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like ...
1 Comments, 208 Views,
14 Votes
,5.70 Score
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A Brazilian? 8/4/2014
A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster
says, 'Six Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'
The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing 'That's
horrible.'
Confused, he says, 'Yes dear, it is sad, but they were
skydiving, and there is that risk involved.'
After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, 'How
many is a Brazilian?'
0 Comments, 111 Views,
9 Votes
,4.71 Score
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Mutual Orgasms 8/4/2014
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the
folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading
this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk
about is 'mutual orgasm'. 'Mutual orgasm'
here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they
talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive,
did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel ...
1 Comments, 160 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score
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Mr. Frog 8/4/2014
There was a man who had a 30 inch penis. He could not get any
woman to have sex with him not even after he tried to get into
the porn business. So the man said enough is enough and decided
to go see a doctor.
He explained to the doctor his problem, who then laughed
at the man believing he was over stating his issue. But once
the doctor began to examine him he found out the man's
story to ...
0 Comments, 130 Views,
11 Votes
,2.98 Score
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Another NON-Dirty joke by ME 8/4/2014
I was still in my hospital gown and ran into the room where
my mom waited saying to her, "quick, we have to leave" .. She said, "what's
wrong .. are you afraid of the surgery?" I said, "The nurse said it's Okay, it's very
routine and to stop worrying" .. My mom shrugged and
said, "Yeah, she was just reassuring you" ...
I said, "No, she was talking to the Doctor!"
1 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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