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Another NON-Dirty joke by ME 8/4/2014
I was still in my hospital gown and ran into the room where
my mom waited saying to her, "quick, we have to leave" .. She said, "what's
wrong .. are you afraid of the surgery?" I said, "The nurse said it's Okay, it's very
routine and to stop worrying" .. My mom shrugged and
said, "Yeah, she was just reassuring you" ...
I said, "No, she was talking to the Doctor!"
1 Comments, 63 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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A NON dirty Health related joke.. 8/4/2014
I was still in my hospital gown and ran into the room where
my mom waited saying to her, "quick, we have to leave" .. She said, "what's
wrong .. are you afraid of the surgery?" I said, "The nurse said it's Okay, it's very
routine and to stop worrying" .. My mom shrugged and
said, "Yeah, she was just reassuring you" ...
I said, "No, she was talking to the Doctor!"
0 Comments, 26 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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The World's Greatest Golfer 8/3/2014
A man was playing golf in Ireland. As luck would have it he
sees a Leprechaun. The Leprechaun tells the man that according
to Leprechaun law he can have any wish he wants.
The man thinks for a minute. “I want to be the greatest
golfer in the world.”
The Leprechaun says, “I can do that but it’s going to
affect your sex life.”
The man says that’s okay and ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
6 Votes
,3.65 Score
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2 guys 8/1/2014
One day these two best friends Jay and Bob were walking down
the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay’s
leg and bit his dick, since no one was around for miles Bob
called a hospital and told the doctor’’Quick Quick
I need your help my friend got bit by a snake on his penis’’
the doctor told him ’’ your gonna have to suck the
venom out yourself’’ Bob asked’’ ...
1 Comments, 108 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score
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angry wife 8/1/2014
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending
all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with
him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh,
I don't know. The same as you I suppose, " she
replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's
and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then
took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck,
that's ...
2 Comments, 183 Views,
11 Votes
,4.85 Score
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10 inch 8/1/2014
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes
I do!" and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter
Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says
the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly
cause he is a little hard at ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score
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sex before marriage 8/1/2014
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married.
Did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. What was your wife's maiden
name?
1 Comments, 73 Views,
12 Votes
,4.57 Score
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bottom line 8/1/2014
A cowboy rides his up to a saloon. All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his on
the butt before coming in and asking for a drink. The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd
ya kiss your on the butt?" The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped
lips." The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"
Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking
them."
0 Comments, 63 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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the confession 8/1/2014
A drunken man staggered into a Catholic church, sat down
in the Confessional and said nothing. The priest is waiting and waiting and waiting. The priest coughs to attract the drunk man's attention,
but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final
attempt to get the man to speak. Finally the drunk replies, ''No use knockin, '
pal. There's no paper."
0 Comments, 51 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
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The Man Who Gave Up Sex For Golf 8/1/2014
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead
by a couple of strokes.
"Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt, "
the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your
sex life?"
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer also feels that ...
3 Comments, 120 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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Teach your well 8/1/2014
A teacher asks the in her class of eight year olds: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Little Charlie says: "I wanna start out as an architect, then go into Real
Estate be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs,
find me the finest , give her a Lamborghini worth over
a million bucks, an apartment in Manhattan, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel
throughout the world, an Infinite ...
0 Comments, 113 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
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Free Sex 7/30/2014
A gas station owner in Tennessee was trying to increase
his sales, so he put up a sign that read "Free Sex with
Fill-Up". Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled
his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to
pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would
get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor
said, "You were close. The number was 7.... sorry,
no free ...
1 Comments, 165 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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Sperm Count 7/30/2014
An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm
count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar
home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty
as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
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A Polish Divorce 7/28/2014
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along
very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer
said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and ...
1 Comments, 129 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
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A different shade of grey 7/28/2014
He was in blissful ecstacy with a huge smile on his face as he enjoyed the moment. His wife moved forwards, then backwards, forwards, then backwards again...and again...and again, back and forth...back and forth...in and out...in and out....in and out.....in and out, every so slowly and gently trying to draw in and use every inch.
Her heart was pounding....pounding so that she felt it ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
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Guessing his age 7/27/2014
Three mischievous old Grannies were sitting on a bench
outside a nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by. And
one of the old Grandmas yelled out saying, "We bet
we can tell exactly how old you are."
The old man said, "There is no way you can guess it,
you old fools."
One of the old Grandmas said, "Sure we can! Just drop
your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact ...
1 Comments, 120 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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The Rude Receptionist 7/27/2014
An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist
who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting
room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's
desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly
woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.In
a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I
HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO ...
0 Comments, 169 Views,
9 Votes
,5.56 Score
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Another Blonde Joke 7/26/2014
Two blondes was talking in a bar. One asked: y'know every time my husband comes home
and brings me flowers, I have to raise my legs up. The other
blonde replied: don't you have a flower vase?
0 Comments, 62 Views,
7 Votes
,3.30 Score
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Doggy Style 7/26/2014
Father and his 5 yr old was walking in the park and saw
two dogs mating. The asked: dad what are the dogs doing? They are making
a puppy?
Later that night the woke up by the thunder and lightning.
He went to his parents room and saw his dad on top of mom.
asked: Dad what are you guys doing? We are making a baby.
replied panicky: Oh no dad flip mommy over, I want a puppy! ...
0 Comments, 124 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
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4 nuns and St. Peter 7/26/2014
Four nuns died in a bus accident and went to heaven. The nuns were standing in line to enter the white pearly
gates of heaven.
St Peter turned to the1st nun standing in line and asked:
sister, have you sin? Well I have seen a penis once. That is ok, wash your eyes with
holy water and enter the gates of heaven.
St Peter turned to the 2nd nun standing in line and asked:
sister, ...
2 Comments, 158 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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It pays to be careful around old people 7/25/2014
A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down
a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old
lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully
munches up.
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again
and she hands him another handful of peanuts.
She repeats this gesture about five more times...
When she is about to ...
0 Comments, 147 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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A few short ones 7/25/2014
Getting girls to have sex with me is like getting ketchup
out of a bottle. It's easy when I have a knife.
What do you call 50 Puerto Ricans in a room with 50 lesbians?
A hundred people who won't do dick!
Why don't the blondes in San Francisco wear miniskirts?
Their balls show.
How many divorced Men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Who knows; they never get the ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score
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Grandpa 7/25/2014
Three guys were sitting in a biker bar.
A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered
a drink.
The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner
table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked
the biggest one in the face and said,
"I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in
the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!" ...
1 Comments, 104 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Whats the difference?????? 7/25/2014
What's the difference between.....your job and your
wife? Your job fucking sucks.
What's the difference between.....a walrus and a
lesbian? One smells like fish and has a mustache, and the other is
a walrus.
0 Comments, 49 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Good news Bad news 7/25/2014
"I have good news and bad news, " the defense
lawyer says to his .
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found
at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the . "What's
the good news?"
"Well, " the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol
is down to 140."
0 Comments, 34 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Politics 7/24/2014
This joke is probably known by many But just for sharing 
“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call
me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People. The ...
1 Comments, 57 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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7 + 3 = ? 7/24/2014
“I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful
woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive
wine on the menu. She sent me a note: "I will not touch
a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have
seven inches in your pants." So I wrote back: "Give
me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting
off three inches for anyone.”
1 Comments, 40 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Error 7/24/2014
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for
their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis, "
and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the
screen it says, "Error. Not long enough." LOL
1 Comments, 26 Views,
0 Votes
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Remover 7/24/2014
One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis. He
can’t figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor.
The doctor hands him a tube of cream. "Here. Put this
on and the ring’ll be gone within the hour, " the
doctor said.
The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was
gone within the hour.
But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was ...
0 Comments, 79 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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SUPERMAN 7/24/2014
SUPERMAN Goes Over To BAT MAN And Say : Hey Lets Go Downtown
And Fuck A Bitch. BAT MAN Says : Sorry I I've Got To Go
Home And Fix My Bat Mobile I Have A Job To Do Tonight. So He
Goes Over To SPIDER MAN And Say: Lets Go Downtown And Fuck
A Bitch. SPIDER MAN Says: Sorry I Have To Go Home And Fix My
Web I Have A Job To Do Tonight. So He Says: Hey I'm SUPERMAN
I Have Ex-Rated Vision I'll Go Downtown ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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A Pirates Story 7/21/2014
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Hey,
I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look
terrible."
"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I
feel fine."
"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that
before."
"Well, " said the pirate, "We were in
a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine
now."
The bartender replied, "Well, ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
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NOT a dirty blonde joke.. 7/21/2014
Barbie the blond wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Her boss told her, "Barbie, you haven't missed
a single day since you started here 20 years ago."
"So, I'd like to reward you.....how does a new
car sound?" Barbie answered, "Uhhh....beep beep, vroom vroom."
3 Comments, 115 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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Voodoo Dick 7/20/2014
There was a man who would not settle for anything but perfection,
in work, play or meeting his perfect mate. He finally meet
a beautiful, very sexually active woman that he knew was
his soul mate.
They soon got married but his work began to keep him traveling
more than he was at home. So since his new bride was so beautiful
and sexually active he decided that he would by her something
to ...
2 Comments, 85 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
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cross the road 7/19/2014
MONKEY q: Why did the monkey cross the road? a: So he could get spanked.
CHICKEN KEEPS GOING q: Why did the chicken cross the road? a: To get to the other side.
q: Why did she go to the other side? . a: To go to the bar
q: Why did she go to the bar? a: To go to the toilet.
q: Why did she go to the toilet? a: Because that's where all the cocks hang out. ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
|
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The Four Catholic Ladies 7/17/2014
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together.
The first one tells her friends, "My is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."
The second Catholic woman chirps, "My is a Bishop.
Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'."
The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My is a
Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, ...
4 Comments, 130 Views,
11 Votes
,5.97 Score
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Cajun Math Test 7/16/2014
A Cajun man wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him
until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question,
the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent
the number 9.'
'Without numbers?' The Cajun says, 'Dat
is easy.' And proceeds to draw three trees. What's
this?' the boss asks 'Ave you got no brain? Tree
and tree and tree make nine, ' says the Cajun. 'Fair ...
3 Comments, 104 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
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Hair Removal 7/16/2014
All hair removal methods have tricked women with their
promises of easy, painless removal - the Epilady, scissors,
razors, Nair and Now ... the wax. Read on.. My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home,
fix dinner, and play with the . I then had the thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:
'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine ...
4 Comments, 104 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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Name Dropper 7/16/2014
A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed
limit. So he asks the man his name "Fred, " he
replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just
Fred, " the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give
the man a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last name.
The man tells him that he ...
3 Comments, 120 Views,
14 Votes
,5.22 Score
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Retirement is Different for Everyone 7/16/2014
One day, while going to the store, I passed by a nursing home.
On the front lawn were six old ladies lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued on my way
to the store.
On my return trip, I passed the same nursing home with the
same six old ladies lying naked on the lawn. This time my
curiosity got the best of me, and I went inside to talk to
the Nursing ...
3 Comments, 103 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
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The Man Rules 7/16/2014
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down finally
the guys' side of the story. (I must admit, it's
pretty good.) We always hear 'the rules' from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules! Please These are all numbered '1
' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. ...
3 Comments, 79 Views,
8 Votes
,5.56 Score
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The Pet Lizard 7/16/2014
Just after dinner one night, my came up to tell me there
was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards
he holds prisoner in his room. He's just lying there
looking sick, ' he told me. 'I'm serious,
Dad. Can you help?'
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed
him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed
lying on his back, looking stressed. I ...
4 Comments, 102 Views,
10 Votes
,5.77 Score
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When is the F-Word Acceptable 7/16/2014
When is the “F” Word Acceptable?
There are only eleven times in history where the F-word
has been considered acceptable for use. They are as follows:
11. "What the “F” do you mean, we are sinking?"
Capt. EJ. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
10. "What the “F” was that?" - Mayor of Hiroshima,
1945
9. "Where did all those “F”ing Indians come from?" ...
3 Comments, 70 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
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Who is your Role Model 7/16/2014
FIND OUT WHO TRULY IS YOUR ROLE MODEL DON'T SCROLL DOWN YET!! FIRST, DO THE SIMPLE MATH BELOW, THEN SCROLL DOWN TO FIND
YOUR Role Model. It's CRAZY how accurate this is! 1) Pick your favorite number between 1-9 2) Multiply by 3 then 3) Add 3 4) Then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get
the calculator.....) 5 ) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number.... 6 ) Add the digits together
...
3 Comments, 54 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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Laid Off 7/15/2014
One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation,
called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said,
"We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack
or Barbara will have to be laid off." Dave looked at
Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but
Jack has a wife and three . I don't know whom to fire."
The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive.
Barbara was ...
0 Comments, 82 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
|
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marriage 7/15/2014
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th
anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening
25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you
first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through
your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck
your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she ...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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Adult Jokes 7/15/2014
Run out of condoms? Turn a used one inside out.
Erection in class? Stand up and lean backwards to redirect
the blood flow.
Post your jokes
1 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Praise for prayers 7/14/2014
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like
to express Praise for answered prayers. A lady stood and
walked to the podium. She said, "I have a Praise. Two
months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck
and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating
and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men ...
0 Comments, 112 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
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Golfing accident 7/14/2014
Joe and his wife Annie were golfing on course built around
an old Farm. On the par four 5th hole Joe sliced one badly.
A barn stood between his ball and the green.
Annie said, “I’ll open the doors on both sides and you
can hit through. I’ll stand inside and see where you land”.
Joe thought it was a good idea.
Annie opened the doors, and Joe hit the ball. It entered ...
0 Comments, 140 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
|
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Senior Wedding 7/13/2014
Jacob, age 92, and Mary, age 89, living in Fort Myers, are
all excited about their decision to get married. They go
for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass
a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are
you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell
heart ...
1 Comments, 121 Views,
11 Votes
,6.35 Score
|
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Edna and Dorothy 7/13/2014
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are
talking:
Dorothy: "That nice George Johnson asked me out for
a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted
to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."
Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment
punctually at 7 pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine
suit, and he brings me such beautiful ...
0 Comments, 129 Views,
10 Votes
,5.58 Score
|
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calcium 7/13/2014
How much calcium is in a French kiss????
Enough to make ONE bone hard!!
0 Comments, 3 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
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Short Jokes 7/10/2014
When people go underwater in scary movies, I like to hold
my breath and see if I would have survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't
think its cute. I just think it's crazy how many people
bring knives on a date.
Dad: Hey want to hear a joke? : Yeah! Dad: Pussy. : I dont get it. Dad: Exactly...
...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
|
TOP 50 JOKES 7/10/2014
1. "I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week,
phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd
popped her clogs." Peter Kay
2. "Police arrested two yesterday, one was drinking
battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged
one and let the other one off." - Tommy Cooper
3. "Apparently, one in five people in the world are
Chinese. And there are five ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
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wedding ceremony 7/10/2014
Husband (watching a video): Don't do it! I swear you gonna regret it for the rest
of your life. You stupid idiot! Don't say yes. No! No!
NOOO!! Aw dang, he actually did it! What a dumb ass! Wife: Honey, why you so mad? What'aya watching? Husband: Our wedding ceremony.
1 Comments, 35 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
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No Cash, No Hope and No Jobs 7/10/2014
20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs.
Now we have no Cash, no Hope and no Jobs. Please dont let Kevin
Bacon die!
0 Comments, 21 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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911 Emergency 7/10/2014
Boy: *calls 911* Hello? I need your help! 911: Alright, What is it? Boy: Two girls are fighting over me! 911: So what's your emergency? Boy: The ugly one is winning.
0 Comments, 25 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
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Stupid Teacher 7/10/2014
Teacher: "Anyone who thinks he's stupid may
stand up!" *Nobody stands up* Teacher: "Im sure there are some stupid students
over here!!" *Little Johnny stands up* Teacher: "Ohh, Johnny you think you're stupid?"
Little Johnny: "No... i just feel bad that you're
standing alone..."
1 Comments, 29 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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sex joke 7/10/2014
One night a man and a woman are both at a bar knocking back
a few beers. They start talking and come to realize that
they're both doctors. After about an hour, the man
says to the woman, Hey. How about if we sleep together tonight.
No strings attached. It'll just be one night of fun.
The woman doctor agrees to it. So they go back to her place
and he goes in the bedroom. She goes in the bathroom ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score
|
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CHET 7/9/2014
While Christmas shopping for his wife a man was having difficulty
finding anything for her. He found himself in a pet store
at the end of South Main St. The proprietor asked, "can
I help you?" No the man said, he had been all over town
and couldn't find a thing. I don't even know why
I'm here. She doesn't even like pets. "Well"
the proprietor said, "she likes Christmas doesn't
she?" Of course she ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
The Haircut 7/9/2014
A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asked: "How
long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and
said: "About 2 hours."
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and
asked: "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said: "About
3 hours."
...
0 Comments, 118 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score
|
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The Baptist Bra 7/9/2014
A man walked into the ladies' department of a Dillard's
Department Store and said to the woman behind the counter,
"I'd like to buy a Baptist bra for my wife, size
36B." "What type of bra?" asked the clerk. "Baptist, " said the man. "She said get
a Baptist bra, and that you'd know what she meant."
"Ah yes, now I remember, " said the saleslady.
"We don't sell many of those. Mostly our customers ...
0 Comments, 163 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Socrates' Logic: 7/9/2014
One day the great Greek philosopher Socrates (469 - 399
BC) came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly
and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard
about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment, " Socrates replied. "Before
you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's
called the Test of Three."
"Three?", exclaimed the student.
"That's right, " ...
1 Comments, 64 Views,
0 Votes
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so a guy walks into a bar 7/8/2014
and it hurts
so he doesn't do it again
0 Comments, 31 Views,
0 Votes
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New Baby 7/8/2014
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to a
call that a pregnant woman was in labor. The house was very
dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl,
to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while
he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed
and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The
paramedic ...
1 Comments, 146 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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Confession 7/8/2014
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini,
Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the
priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man
said:
"Father. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish
woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door
and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That ...
2 Comments, 117 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Penis Problem 7/7/2014
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their
little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned
about his rather small penis. After examining the ,
the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes.
That should solve the problem.'
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there
was a large ...
0 Comments, 163 Views,
10 Votes
,4.38 Score
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The bagpiper 7/7/2014
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside
service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends,
so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the
Kentucky backcountry. As I was not familiar with the backwoods,
I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for
directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the ...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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A few days afther chrismas 7/7/2014
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen
listening to her young playing with his new electric
train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her said, "All of you
sons of b*tches who want off, get the hell off now, cause
this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*tches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're
going down the tracks." The ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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Uncle Bill 7/3/2014
the teacher was doing a class on sayings with a meaning,
or a moral to the story. She called on joey and asked if he
could relate a story with a morel. Joey told how his Grandfather
and he were going to do the hay on Saturday rather than Friday,
but it turned out to be a rainy day on Saturday and they couldn't
do the hay. The teacher asked, what is the moral to your story
Joey? Joey said, you ...
1 Comments, 120 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Uncle Bill 7/3/2014
the teacher was doing a class on sayings with a meaning,
or a moral to the story. She called on joey and asked if he
could relate a story with a morel. Joey told how his Grandfather
and he were going to do the hay on Saturday rather than Friday,
but it turned out to be a rainy day on Saturday and they couldn't
do the hay. The teacher asked, what is the moral to your story
Joey? Joey said, you ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Voodoo Penis 6/29/2014
A businessman was getting ready to go on a long business
trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort with an extremely
healthy sex drive, so he thought he'd buy her a little
something to keep her occupied while he was gone.
He went to a store that sold sex toys and started to look around.
He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too
close to another man for him. He was ...
2 Comments, 127 Views,
15 Votes
,6.81 Score
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Funny One 6/27/2014
A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom.
There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what
are you doing to mama?" Then the daddy says "Making
you a little sister" And then the boy replies "Hell
no do it doggy style I want a puppy."
3 Comments, 87 Views,
16 Votes
,5.04 Score
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Simple Jokes 6/27/2014
“A small boy asks his Dad, "Daddy, what is politics?"
Dad says, "Well , let me try to explain it this way:
I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call
me Capitalism. Your mom, she's the administrator
of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're
here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working
Class. And your baby brother, ...
5 Comments, 78 Views,
14 Votes
,5.86 Score
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A 10-year old's logic 6/26/2014
A father asked his 10-year old if he knew about the birds
and the bees.
“I don’t want to know, ” the said, bursting
into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed. “When I was six, I got the “there’s
no Easter Bunny speech. At seven, I got the “there’s
no Tooth Fairy” speech. When I was ...
2 Comments, 185 Views,
10 Votes
,4.18 Score
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A Blonde and Snow 6/26/2014
One winter morning in Syracuse a husband and his blonde
wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They
heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to
10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered
side of the street, so the snowplows can get through...
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, ...
2 Comments, 205 Views,
16 Votes
,4.60 Score
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Timbucktoo 6/26/2014
In this town, Timbucktoo they had a contest each year to
see who could tell the best poem. Each year the towns drunk
would win the contest. There was a professor that lived
there and he thought, I'm sure I could come up with a
better poem than the towns drunk, after all, I'm an
educated man, so he proceeded to enter the contest. On the
day of the event it came the professors turn and his poem ...
0 Comments, 100 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score
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Old Sam is gone.... 6/24/2014
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to
examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried
or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Sam, who was about
to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Sam had the
longest private part he had ever seen! “I’m sorry Mr. Sam, ” said the mortician, “but
I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously
huge ...
1 Comments, 115 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score
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B.O.B. 6/24/2014
this joke takes place in a sex club, btw. anyhow...
“Very nice indeed, ” the man says as she begins stroking
him, “my name is Robert by the way.”
“Hmm, do you prefer Bob?” she asks...
Robert groans, halfway from lust and halfway in exasperation
as he says, “please, I prefer Robert. I get too many jokes
about Bob – you know, ‘battery ...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
7 Votes
,2.53 Score
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A traveling blonde 6/24/2014
A blonde got on a plane for New York and sat down in the First
Class section.
The Stewardess told her “You need to move to the Tourist
section.”
The blonde said, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful and
I’m going to New York. I’m not moving.”
The Stewardess didn’t know what to do so she got the head
Stewardess. She told the blonde she had to move to the back. ...
0 Comments, 151 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score
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Indian Names 6/24/2014
An Indian boy goes to his mother and asks, “How do Indian
boys get their name?”
She answers, “Ask your father.”
The boy goes to his father. “How do Indian boys get their
name?”
He says, “Ask the Medicine Man.”
The boy finds the Medicine Man. “How do Indian boys get
their name?”
The Medicine Man explains. “When baby comes ...
0 Comments, 114 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Golf 6/24/2014
A mechanic goes out to play golf. On the way home after the
round he sees a car on the side of the road with the hood up.
He stops and sees it’s one of his women customers. He gets
the car started and turns to leave.
She says, “Your hands are dirty. Why don’t you stop
at my place and get cleaned up.”
Six hours later he gets home and his wife is standing at the
door ...
0 Comments, 167 Views,
10 Votes
,3.98 Score
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lawyers 6/24/2014
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and
their ?
To prevent from being billed twice for essentially
the same service.
0 Comments, 35 Views,
8 Votes
,5.80 Score
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Olympic 6/24/2014
The husband says to wife: "My Olympic condoms have
arrived. Think I will wear gold tonight."
The wife says: "Why don't you wear silver and
cum fuckin second for a change?"
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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directions 6/24/2014
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions
0 Comments, 10 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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difference 6/24/2014
Whats the difference between married men and parking spaces?
Nothing all the good ones are taken.
1 Comments, 14 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Programming 6/24/2014
Programming is like sex:
One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your
life.
0 Comments, 7 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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ego 6/24/2014
Four words to ruin a man's ego ...
"Is it in YET?"
0 Comments, 6 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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fake 6/24/2014
Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
0 Comments, 7 Views,
0 Votes
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foreplay 6/24/2014
What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
1 Comments, 8 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Sex 6/24/2014
What's a man's definition of a romantic evening?
Sex.
0 Comments, 7 Views,
0 Votes
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Doggy style 6/24/2014
A sexual position which allows both participants to watch
TV.
0 Comments, 10 Views,
0 Votes
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Feelings 6/23/2014
The word "love" can have a variety of related
but distinct meanings in different contexts. Many other
languages use multiple words to express some of the different
concepts that English relies mainly on "love"
to encapsulate; one example is the plurality of Greek words
for "love." Cultural differences in conceptualizing
love thus doubly impede the establishment of a universal
definition.
1 Comments, 31 Views,
2 Votes
,0.34 Score
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german virgin 6/22/2014
What do you call a German virgin? Gudentite!
0 Comments, 12 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Advice from Grandpa 6/20/2014
My grandfather once told " always look for women
who have small hands" I said ok grandpa, but why? He
then told me "because her small hands will make your
cock look bigger".
1 Comments, 38 Views,
5 Votes
,1.51 Score
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Advice from Grandpa 6/20/2014
My grandfather once told " always look for women
who have small hands" I said ok grandpa, but why? He
then told me "because her small hands will make your
cock look bigger".
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Say it out loud... 6/13/2014
How long do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh??
Tentacles!
(Ten tickles)
0 Comments, 34 Views,
7 Votes
,2.28 Score
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Italians 6/13/2014
Why are so many Italians named Tony ? Because when they got
off the boat to Ellis Island they saw a sign that said To NY.
2 Comments, 28 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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A Good LAWYER Joke: 6/13/2014
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido,
has cheated him out of $10, 000, 000. His bookkeeper is
deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.
It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would
not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing
$10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather ...
2 Comments, 159 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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Spelling test 6/11/2014
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that
they were going to try something different to help everyone
get to know each other a little better, and to help with their
spelling.
She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation
of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give
us all if he was here today.”
The first student raised her ...
1 Comments, 164 Views,
11 Votes
,3.73 Score
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Men remember 6/11/2014
Men, remember this always
3 Comments, 85 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score
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Hair in my Spaghetti 6/11/2014
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six
hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly,
Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter!
Come over here!" The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary
yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it
the fuck out of here!" The waiter apologizes up and
down as he ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Liar 6/11/2014
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes.
When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So
the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.
While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this
beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing
he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having
quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was ...
2 Comments, 146 Views,
9 Votes
,3.43 Score
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a5 6/7/2014
boy went into a hoare house and said he wanted an AIDS's
infected . The woman at reception said room
9 top of the hall. He went to the room and did his business.When he was leaving
she asked him why he wanted her she being aids infected.
The boy answered, "When I go home i'll sleep
with the babysitter then my dad will sleep with the babysitter
then my dad will sleep with my mam then in the ...
1 Comments, 192 Views,
8 Votes
,3.01 Score
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a10 6/7/2014
A guy is driving his car and finds a friend crying, sitting
on the road. He stops. And he asks him: - Hey, What happens to you? - (crying) Look! and he points a crashed car. - Well, don't care and buy another car. - Look inside the car! - Well, don't care and get another blonde, and that's
all. - Look inside her mouth!!!__________good!
1 Comments, 87 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
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a9 6/7/2014
Wishing to prove to his wife that he loved her for more than
sex, the young man bought her a lovely bouquet of roses. Despite his good intentions,
however, the devoted husband received a suspicious look when he handed her the flowers. "I
suppose, " she said, "that now you expect me to spend the weekend on my back with my legs spread."
"Why?" said the young man. "Don't
we have a vase?" A pretty ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
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a8 6/7/2014
A very old man went to a church, making this confession:
- Father, I am 78 years old, I have been married for 40 years.
All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday
I had sex with an 21 year old woman. - When was the last time you made a confession? - I never have, I am Jewish. - Then why are you telling it to me? - I am telling it everybody ... Two old ladies were outside ...
3 Comments, 84 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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a7 6/7/2014
One day, a family goes to the circus. Mom, Dad, and all
get their tickets and sit down for the show. Just as the elephants
come into the ring, the father goes to get the snacks. Suddenly,
the little boy jumps up and down and points at the elephants.
'Mama, Mama, what's that?' he cried. 'That's the elephant's trunk, ' she
said. 'No, on the other end!' 'That's the tail, ' she said. 'Nooo, under ...
0 Comments, 104 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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a6 6/7/2014
A woman got pulled over by a traffic cop for speeding and
she didn't have either her driver's license or
any other identification. She started pleading with the
cop to give her a break because she had received many other
tickets recently and couldn't afford to have any more
points on her record. She pleaded and pleaded with the cop
to let her off with just a warning and when her pleading was ...
0 Comments, 91 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
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a3 6/7/2014
One night, a couple is in the bed and the husband smoothly
caresses their wife's arm... the wife is turned and
she tells him: - I'm sorry but I have an appointment with the ginecologist
tomorrow and I want to be fresh. The husband, rejected, turns back to his bed side and tries
to sleep... Some minutes later it turns again and it uncovers her wife
again , he whispers to her: - Have you an ...
0 Comments, 58 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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BLONDES 6/5/2014
A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with
a Brazilian...." The blonde replies, "Oh my
God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?" ... Q: How do you know a blonde likes you? A: She screws you two
nights in a row. Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? A: To keep their ankles
warm ... Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A: The blonde has the higher sperm count. ... Q: Did ...
0 Comments, 94 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Make up 6/5/2014
My girlfriend asked me before we went out the other night
"Do you think I am wearing too much make-up?"
Apparently ......... "Not if you are going to try to kill Batman" was
not the answer she was looking for......................
1 Comments, 48 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
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Neighbour 6/5/2014
A man received the following text from his neighbour:
I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I
have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night
when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm
not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can
no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen ...
0 Comments, 134 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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Nigeria 6/5/2014
America sent a crack troop of SEALS out to Nigeria to help
find the missing school girls.
Britain sent Rolf Harris and Stuart Hall.
0 Comments, 62 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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balls of time 6/5/2014
Delbert and his wife Dora are on vacation in mexico, spending
the day site-seeing, shopping and sampling the tequila,
when they lost track of time and stumble upon this local
sitting down head leaned forward wearing a sombrero, they
ask excuse us but would you happen to know what time it is
and the man looks up reaches under the burro beside him,
grabs the donkeys balls, lifts them up(as if he ...
0 Comments, 86 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Alien wife swap 6/2/2014
A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are
talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling.
"Pretty much the way you do, " responded the
Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap
partners for the night and experience one another. The female Earthling
and the ...
1 Comments, 123 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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18 daughters 6/2/2014
Three men went Las Vegas and after a losing their money at
the blackjack tables, the best friends decided to stay
off the strip in a not so lavish hotel and the guy that owned it had 18 daughters so the first man went up to they’re father and said "can
I sleep with your 18 daughters?" the father said "no but you can sleep with the pigs."
the second man went to the father and said "can I sleep ...
0 Comments, 151 Views,
5 Votes
,0.86 Score
|
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10 inch bic 6/2/2014
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke
He asks the other guy if he has a lighter He replies "Yes I do!" and hands the other a 10
inch long BIC lighter Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies "Oh I have a personal genie."
The first man asks "Can I make a wish? " Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak
clearly cause he is a little hard at ...
0 Comments, 93 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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A blonde, a brunette, a Frenchman, and an Englishman... 6/1/2014
are on a train going through the Alps. The train enters a
tunnel and when it goes dark they all hear a loud SMACK. When
the train emerges it's obvious the Frenchmen has been
slapped.
The brunette thinks to herself "The Frenchman must
have tried to grope the blonde and she slapped him."
The blonde thinks to herself "The Frenchman must
have tried to grope me but got the brunette ...
0 Comments, 104 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Fortune Teller 5/31/2014
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the
fortune teller delivered grave news:
"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll
just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband
will die a violent and horrible grisly death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's
lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then
down ...
0 Comments, 106 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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bra 5/31/2014
Customer : My wife needs a bra but, I don't know the size.
Sales girl : Touch my breast and try to calculate.
Customer : Oh ! I forgot she needs panties too..
2 Comments, 83 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Fat Head 5/31/2014
A and his dad walk into a bar and the dads says to the .
"What do you want fathead?"
The stumbles on his words and the father again says,
"What do you want fathead?"
A lady close by says, "why do you keep calling your
fat head".
And he replies, "Well lady there are 3 things a man
has to have in his life to be a successful man.
Number one you got ...
2 Comments, 117 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
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choir boy 5/26/2014
An 8-year-old choir boy catches the priest masturbating.
He said, "What are you doing father?" "It's called masturbating, my ” the priest
replied, "You'll be doing this soon."
"Why's that father ?" he asked. "Because my wrist is killing me” the priest replied.
1 Comments, 71 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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High Urinals 5/26/2014
High Urinals A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two
female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack,
(Churchill Downs) to learn about thoroughbred horses
and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see
the horses. When it was time to take the to the bathroom, it
was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and
the boys would go with the other. The ...
1 Comments, 130 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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Two bears 5/26/2014
Two bears were sitting at the side of the river near Ottawa.
The smaller bear turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't
understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're
the same age; we were the same size as cubs. I just don't
get it.' 'Well, ' said the big Bear, 'what have you
been eating?' 'Politicians, same as you, ' replied the small
Bear. 'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?' 'Down ...
0 Comments, 131 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
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HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY: 5/25/2014
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:
1. Feed him 2. Sleep with him 3. Leave him with peace 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs) 5. Don't bother him with his movements
So what's so hard about that?
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:
It's really not too difficult but... To make a woman
happy, a man only needs to be:
1. a friend 2. a companion 3. a lover 4. a brother 5. a ...
2 Comments, 94 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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Do they? 5/22/2014
Its confirmed they do..
1 Comments, 55 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Women Domination 5/19/2014
Women Domination
by cajee 5 days ago
When the end of the world comes, everybody on earth goes
to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines.
One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other
line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want
all the women to go with St. Peter."
With that said and done, the next ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
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How he do that?????? 5/19/2014
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the
burglar who had broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court." said
the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no no!" said the man. "I want to know
how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've
been trying to do that for years!"
2 Comments, 80 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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Cops and good shots 5/19/2014
One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a
small town.
Everywhere he saw evidences of the most amazing shooting.
On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes
with the bullet hole in dead center.
The FBI man asked one of the townsmen if he could meet the
person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship.
The man turned out to be the ...
0 Comments, 156 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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Redneck Jury 5/19/2014
A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get
the electric chair.
His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured
he would be the one to bribe.
He told the red neck that he would be paid $10, 000 if he could
convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict
of ...
0 Comments, 151 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score
|
|
Things to do in the bathroom stall 5/19/2014
1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your
neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on
that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the
silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"
...
0 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Which is more painful?????? 5/19/2014
Here is a thought about an age old question: Is giving birth
more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful
than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after some heavy deductive thinking, I have come
up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a
baby; and here is the ...
0 Comments, 76 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
express airlines 5/19/2014
A blonde wanted to have some information regarding a flight
from London to Paris.. So she called the offices of the airline
to check.. A secretary answered the phone, and the blonde
asks " Can you please tell me how long would a flight
from London to Paris take?" To which the secretary
not knowing the exa ct info replied "one minute"
, the blonde hung up thinking to herself, " my god, ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
express airlines 5/19/2014
A blonde wanted to have some information regarding a flight
from London to Paris.. So she called the offices of the airline
to check.. A secretary answered the phone, and the blonde
asks " Can you please tell me how long would a flight
from London to Paris take?" To which the secretary
not knowing the exact info replied "one minute"
, the blonde hung up thinking to herself, " my god, ...
1 Comments, 35 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Kisses 5/16/2014
How would you like an Australian kiss? It's like a French
kiss but only down under!
0 Comments, 22 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
|
|
Sperm Says.. 5/15/2014
Sperm
One sperm said to the other "i can't wait until
we reach the fallopian tubes." The other said, "Forget
it, stuiped.we're in the stomach."
0 Comments, 48 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
|
refridgerator 5/15/2014
Whats the differance between a gay guy and a refridgerator?
A refridgerator doesnt fart when you pull the meat out!
0 Comments, 23 Views,
1 Votes
|
|
Keep in mind... 5/14/2014
Note to self: When people ask you about your 'sex drive',
they are not referring to your USB filled with porn.
0 Comments, 28 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
improved flights 5/13/2014
the other day i was on jet airways, when i heard the airhostesses
discussing the new seperate male/female toil;ets to come
up by 2015. this added to my curiousity, and I shared with
them what is going to happen, a man was in a hurry to ease himself
but found the men's loo locked, he waited and waited
till he was almost frustated. he requested the airhostess
to allow him use the women's loo, but ...
2 Comments, 128 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
Stay for dinner 5/11/2014
Gary and Mary go on their honeymoon, and Gary spends six
hours of the honeymoon night eating Mary's pussy.
The next afternoon, they go to an Italian restaurant. Suddenly,
Gary starts to freak out. He screams, "Waiter! Waiter!
Come over here!"
The waiter says, "Can I help you, sir?" Gary
yells, "There's a hair in my spaghetti! Get it
the fuck out of here!"
The waiter ...
1 Comments, 187 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
The Bunny and the Snake 5/11/2014
One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail,
and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right
on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!"
said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you,
but I'm blind and can't see." "That's perfectly all right, " replied
the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't
mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't
see you ...
1 Comments, 139 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
Wife 5/11/2014
My wife pulled out a strap-on and said, "Tonight I
want to be the man."
So I handed her a porn mag and made her sleep on the sofa.
1 Comments, 67 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
Track team 5/10/2014
The ambitious coach of a girls track team gives the squad
steroids.
The team’s performance soars. They win the county, state
and eventually national championship.
A few days before the international grand finals, Penelope,
a 16-year-old hurdler visits her coach and says, “Coach,
I have a problem. Hair is starting to grow on my chest.”
“What?” the coach says ...
0 Comments, 123 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
|
|
Pick which one? 5/9/2014
During a long day of looking around a car show, I, and a couple
of my friends, stopped in at Hooter's for some Hot Wings
and a few beers.
After being there for a while, one of my friends asked me
which waitress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.
I told them "The one who knows how to fix elevators."
I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.
1 Comments, 95 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
We have all watched this movie 5/9/2014
Watched this one and enjoyed
1 Comments, 95 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Missing Persons report 5/9/2014
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing
person" report for his missing wife
.
Husband: I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't
come back yet. Inspector: What is her height ? Husband: I never checked. Inspector: Slim or healthy ?. Husband: Not slim can be healthy. Inspector: Color of eyes ? Husband: Never noticed. Inspector: Color of hair ? Husband: Changes ...
0 Comments, 125 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
True Story lol 5/8/2014
A couple had a baby, the doctor comes in and says he is healthy
but for some reason he doesn't have any eye lids. There
is a procedure we can do though. When he is circumsized we
can use the foreskin to make eye lids...Only problem is
he will be cockeyed!!
2 Comments, 75 Views,
5 Votes
,1.51 Score
|
|
A Good Year... 4/29/2014
[image]
1 Comments, 89 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
|
The smell 4/25/2014
The other day my wife and I were working around the house...found
some moth balls....I asked her did you ever smell moth balls?
She said...no how would I hold them by the wings or the feet....
0 Comments, 72 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
|
|
Throw back Thursday 4/25/2014
Picture of me early in my life
0 Comments, 105 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
|
|
Soft things 4/25/2014
I was on a date the other night, things were going great.
She said to me..."say something soft and mushy"
I thought and said...."Oh Shit"
1 Comments, 58 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
|
|
Rules for online dating 4/25/2014
Always Always ask for more then one picture....
1 Comments, 94 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
Norwegian Text Message 4/25/2014
OLE TEXTS LENA………....
“Lena, I’m having 1 more beer with Sven.” “If I’m not home in 1 hour .... read this message again.”
2 Comments, 66 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
sex 4/23/2014
ok here goes!! 2 guys are at the pub having a beer, chatting . At one point
one guy asks the other, "do you talk to your wife during
sex"??
The other guy replies, " yes, if she phones me!!"
0 Comments, 43 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score
|
|
Hospitalized 4/21/2014
A man was hospitalized for having six plastic horses in
his ass....
The Dr. listed his condition as stable.......
0 Comments, 88 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
|
|
NHL PLAYOFFS 4/21/2014
The St Louis Blues and The Chicago Black Hawks..(last years
Stanley Cup Champs) are in a play off series. Third game
this evening...
Now, do you know why the Blues can't serve beer in their
stadium?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE A CUP.....
that's a Stanley cup for the Hockey challenged, .
1 Comments, 38 Views,
4 Votes
,1.69 Score
|
|
Can you see me? 4/19/2014
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. Instead of going
home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the
boys and spending all his wages.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted
by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said: 'How
would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three
days?' He replied: ...
1 Comments, 214 Views,
12 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
Calories in cum 4/19/2014
Two women are sitting out on the patio having a conversation.
Woman one asks woman 2, "How many calories are in cum?
Woman two sits and thanks for a minute, scratches her head
and replies, "If you're sucking that much dick
that you have to worry about it... I don't think anyone's
going to care if you're a little chubby."
1 Comments, 103 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
|
|
A Husbands Call 4/19/2014
"Honey it's me. I don't want to alarm you
but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office.
Paula brought me to the hospital. They have checked me over
and done some tests and some x-rays.
The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause
any serious internal injury. However I have three broken
ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think
they may have ...
0 Comments, 189 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
|
|
Wrong amount 4/19/2014
Amy Winehouse was disappointed when it was explained to
her that she had won 5 Grammys and not 5 Grams.
0 Comments, 42 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Morning? 4/19/2014
A man was walking his through the graveyard when he saw
another man crouching behind a gravestone.
"Morning!" he said.
The other man replies, "No, just having a shit."
0 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Wild Blonde 4/19/2014
A blonde decides to do something wild she hasn't done
before, so she sets out to rent her first x-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for
a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
When she arrives home, lights some candles, slips into
something comfortable, and puts the tape into the VCR.
To her disappointment, there's nothing but static
on the ...
1 Comments, 182 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
The Kiss 4/19/2014
What's the difference between American's french-kissing
and French people french-kissing?
The smell.
0 Comments, 37 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Mardi Gras Costume Winner 4/16/2014
Mardi Gras Costume Winner for 2013 .....PETER PAN
0 Comments, 71 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
|
|
Death or fucking 4/14/2014
An explorer was lost in the jungles of central Africa.A
cannibal(human eaters)tribe found him and made a party
on him.The chief told him;you stranger have entered our
area wihout our will.Therfore you are sentenced to Death, or...Fucking..You
will choose your sentence by yourself.Then choose!..The
explorer was happy that he had some choice.He answered;fucking..The
chief then turned to his men and ...
2 Comments, 245 Views,
8 Votes
,0.47 Score
|
|
A man escapes from prison 4/14/2014
A man escapes from prison after being there 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a
young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, and then
ties the girl to the bed. He gets on top of her, kisses her
neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen,
this guy's an escaped convict, ...
0 Comments, 102 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
|
|
The bastard used coins! 4/14/2014
A boss said to his secretary, "I want to have sex with
you. But don't worry - I'll make it fast. I'll
throw $1000 on the floor, and by the time you bend down to
pick it up, I'll be done." After thinking for a moment, she called her boyfriend and
told him the story. The boyfriend said, "Do it. But
ask him for $2000. Pick up the money fast -- he won't
even have enough time to undress." So she ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Zookeeper 4/14/2014
A zookeeper was making his rounds one day when he noticed
the female gorilla was very agitated. Having worked with
gorillas for many years, he recognized she was in heat.
The zookeeper did not wish her to become more agitated,
so he began contacting other zoo's in the area asking
if they had a male gorilla. After many days with no luck, and the female gorilla getting
more frustrated, he decided ...
0 Comments, 72 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Adam and Eve 4/13/2014
God sees Adam in the Garden of Eden and asks him how things
are going with him and Eve. "Great!" says Adam.
"We just finished having sex! Sex is wonderful!"
God asks, "Speaking of Eve, where is she?".
To that Adam replies "Oh, she's down at the beach
washing up." God is furious. "WHAT? NOW I'LL
NEVER GET THAT SMELL OFF OF THE FISH!"
0 Comments, 36 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
First Night on Honeymoon 4/13/2014
This was the time when writing letter was the only mean of
communication between people living far away from each
other. A mother of three grown up girls arranged their marriages
at the same date. After the ceremony was over, the mother
asked her daughters to write their first night sexual experiences
in their letters to her when they left with their grooms
and they agreed.
Sure enough, ...
1 Comments, 185 Views,
8 Votes
,1.86 Score
|
|
A Tale of Two Schlongs 4/13/2014
A white guy is in a public restroom using one of the urinals.
Suddenly the door bangs open and a big black fellow rushes
up to the urinal next to him, unzips, hauls out an enormous
prick and let's loose like a circus elephant after
a parade.
The black fellow sighs and says, "Just made it!"
The white guy looks down at the huge schlong, then back up
at the black guy and replies, "Could you ...
0 Comments, 183 Views,
9 Votes
,3.85 Score
|
|
Heard a funny noise last night 4/13/2014
I heard a funny noise whilst in bed last night
So I jumped up and did all the usual stuff - checked the front
door, checked the windows, shot my girlfriend five times,
checked the back door.
Turns out there was no one there!
0 Comments, 86 Views,
5 Votes
,1.84 Score
|
|
Lets take a minute 4/10/2014
Lets take a minute and remember that poor guy who told his
wife he was going to China on Malaysian flight 370 and now
cant ever leave his Girlfriends apartment.
2 Comments, 93 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
A Dying Democrat 4/9/2014
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near,
he called his lawyer. "I want to become a Democrat.
Get me a change of registration form." "You
can do it", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll
be dead soon, why do you want to become a Democrat?"
"That's my business! Get me the form!"
Four days later, the old man got his registration changed.
His lawyer was at his bedside making ...
0 Comments, 190 Views,
10 Votes
,3.98 Score
|
|
Pistorius 4/9/2014
At least we now know why Oscar Pistorius didn't take
up wheelchair basketball.
He starts crying every time he enters the court.
0 Comments, 39 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
Stray Condom 4/6/2014
A bunch of gay guys were in a hot tub........ a condom floated
to the surface....... One of the guys asked "who farted?"
0 Comments, 50 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score
|
|
Its a question and answer session 4/5/2014
Question: Why did a 25 years young man died after getting
married with a 75 years old lady? Answer: Because of drinking expired milk!
Question: Why did Osama Bin Laden hate to see women in panties?
Answer: Because underneath every panty there is a Bush!
Question: What is the similarity between a man and a rat?
Answer: Both of them search for Hole!
Question: What is the ...
1 Comments, 88 Views,
5 Votes
,2.49 Score
|
|
Who's Worse? 4/4/2014
Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole
relationship.
0 Comments, 22 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
smart Wife 4/4/2014
A husband exclaims to his wife one day, "Your butt
is getting really big. It's bigger than the BBQ grill!"
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances
towards his wife who completely brushes him off. "What's
wrong?" he asks. She answers, "Do you really
think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one
little weenie?"
2 Comments, 48 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
JELLO 4/3/2014
Why is a bowl of jello, like a woman?
It quivers, if you eat it right!
0 Comments, 15 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Scotsman 4/3/2014
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends
over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and
reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?',
Ole demanded. 'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough
housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
'For the sake of decency, ...
0 Comments, 167 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
A poor man meets a rich man just before Christmas 4/3/2014
The poor man asks the rich man, "what are you going
to give your wife this Christmas?" The rich man tells
him, "I'm giving her diamond earrings and a Mercedes."
The poor man asks, "why are you getting her those two
gifts?" The rich man replies, "Well, if she
doesn't like the earrings she can drive to the store
and exchange them." The poor man nods.
Then, the rich man asks the poor man, ...
0 Comments, 175 Views,
8 Votes
,6.03 Score
|
|
A fuxking contest 4/2/2014
There was once a fucking contest internationally organised.Each
competitor male entered a room in which a chimapazee female
was enclosed.The first was American.He could remain in
the room for 10 min..He got out saying ..oh its awful..The
second a frenchman could remain 15 minutes and got out vomiting...The
third..an Egyptian entered the room....time passed..1, 2, 3
hr...and suddently they saw the ...
0 Comments, 152 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score
|
|
Joke 3/31/2014
An agnostic is a atheist without balls.
0 Comments, 37 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
|
|
Shampoo 3/28/2014
A blonde is standing in an elevator with a few other people
when a man wearing a black suit steps on. It's evident
that the man has dandruff problems, because it can be seen
on the shoulders of his suit. Two floors later the man gets off, and after door closes
someone says, "Someone should really give that guy
some Head & Shoulders." The blonde then responds, "Yeah… Hey, how do you
give ...
0 Comments, 137 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
|
|
7-11 3/28/2014
Why did the penis go into the 7-11?
To get a slurpee...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score
|
|
Bad cyber 3/26/2014
How do you know if u had bad cyber sex? If the Trojan u get is
not a condom.
0 Comments, 9 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
|
|
Irish Twins 3/25/2014
Twin sisters in a Dublin Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to
get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit
on the sofa
The deaf sister said ...
0 Comments, 208 Views,
9 Votes
,5.78 Score
|
|
Wise Italian Grandfather 3/25/2014
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson
to his bedside,
"Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you
to take-a my chrome plated ....38 revolver so you will always
remember me."
But grandpa, I really don't like guns.. How about you
leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business,
you gonna have a ...
0 Comments, 152 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
Irish Blonde 3/25/2014
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the
casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty
thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." with that,
she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with
an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs
new clothes!"
As ...
0 Comments, 184 Views,
12 Votes
,5.10 Score
|
|
A Jewish Grandmother 3/25/2014
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown
grandson and his wife who are coming to visit.
"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am
in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push
button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside and the elevator is on the
right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When
you get out, I'm on the ...
0 Comments, 156 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
I'm fine 3/25/2014
A farmer neighbor named Clyde had a car accident. In court,
the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning
Clyde.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine?' ", asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened.
I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie."
"I didn't ask for any details.", the lawyer
interrupted. "Just answer the ...
0 Comments, 144 Views,
9 Votes
,5.99 Score
|
|
The Doctor 3/24/2014
A doctor in Duluth, Minnesota wanted to get off work and
go hunting, so he approached his assistant.
"Ole, I am goin' hunting' tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of all my patients."
"Yes, sir!" answers Ole.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and
asks: "So, Ole, How was your day?" ...
0 Comments, 141 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
|
|
Nookie Green 3/24/2014
An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic
Church.
"Father" he confessed, It's been one month
since my last confession. I had sex with Nookie Green twice
last month."
The priest told the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go
out and say three Hail Marys"
Soon, another Irishman entered the confessional. "Father,
It's been two months since my last confession. ...
5 Comments, 297 Views,
14 Votes
,3.78 Score
|
|
Gut & Balls 3/23/2014
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls.
But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to
ask: 'Are you still ...
0 Comments, 124 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
|
|
Two dogs 3/22/2014
Two dogs are walking along a street. They are passed by a
third driving a truck load of logs. One turns to the other and says: “He started fetching
a stick and built up the business from there.”
Two cannibals eating a clown, one turned to the other and
said: ‘does this taste funny to you?’
What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Philippe ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
4 Votes
,2.08 Score
|
|
Assorted Groaners 3/22/2014
So I just asked Siri: “Surely it's not going to rain
today?” She said: “It is, and don't call me Shirley.”
Why was the bee flying down the motorway with his legs crossed?
He was looking for a BP station.
So I went to the dentist. He said 'Say Aaah.' I said 'Why?' He said 'My dog's died.'
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says:
“Five beers, ...
0 Comments, 96 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
|
|
Some Assorted ones 3/22/2014
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing
now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he ...
0 Comments, 59 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
Meet Frank Feldman 3/22/2014
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going
by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect
timing. You're just like Frank."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything
right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed
a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every
single time."
Passenger: "There are ...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
|
|
Joke 3/21/2014
What did the penis say to the condom? A: Cover me im going
in!
0 Comments, 9 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score
|
|
Joke 3/21/2014
Sex is like math. Add a bed, Subtract the clothes, Divide
the legs, and pray you don’t Multiply!
0 Comments, 6 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
|
|
joke 3/21/2014
Two potatos are standing on a corner, how can you tell which
one is a ? A: The one that says IDAHO!
0 Comments, 6 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
joke 3/21/2014
: When is a man most intelligent, before, after or during
sex? A: During sex cuz he's plugged up to the knowledge
source
0 Comments, 11 Views,
1 Votes
|
|
joke 3/21/2014
: Whats a condom and a coffin got in common? A: They both hold
stiffs but one is cumin and one is going!
0 Comments, 6 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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another joke 3/21/2014
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? A:
Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
0 Comments, 6 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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joke 3/21/2014
what did the lesbian frogs say to eachother? we do taste
like chicken
0 Comments, 7 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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The Harmonica 3/17/2014
A newly married sailor was informed by the Navy that he was
going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island
in the Pacific for a year.
A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife,
so he wrote her a letter.
"My love, " he wrote, "we are going to
be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting
to miss you and there's really not much to do here ...
0 Comments, 167 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score
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Avacados 3/17/2014
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping
for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados,
get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons
of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
0 Comments, 78 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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3 nuns 3/17/2014
Three novice nuns are in front of the Mother Superior. They
are about to leave the Nunnery and take up roles in the community
before returning to take their vows.
The Mother Superior asks the first novice. "What
do you want to be in the outside world?"
First Novice. "A ."
The Mother Superior faints. When she recovers she asks
again, "What do you want to be?
"A ...
0 Comments, 168 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Small Joke 3/17/2014
A man has been arrested on suspicion of cutting off another
man's penis.
However the police admit that a conviction is unlikely
as the evidence will not stand up in court.
2 Comments, 62 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score
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Italian Funeral 3/17/2014
A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso
when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession
approaching the nearby cemetery.
A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about
50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse.
was a solitary Italian man walking a on a leash. Behind
him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score
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Now thats ugly 3/17/2014
My wife is so ugly....how ugly is she you ask....even the
closes its eyes when it humps her leg
0 Comments, 32 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Chicago cop 3/17/2014
An 85-year old husband and wife decide to take a road trip.
She drives because she can see and he rides because he can
hear.
After traveling for a while, they get pulled over by a State
Trooper. She rolls down her window and the cop says "I
need to see your drivers license and vehicle registration
please." The woman turns to her husband and shouts
"WHAT DID HE SAY?" The husband replies, ...
4 Comments, 163 Views,
8 Votes
,6.03 Score
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Sick but a laugh when needed 3/17/2014
Too Early??????? Bet you laughed when you read this...
0 Comments, 99 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
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Winning number 3/15/2014
Every year at the state fair Paul entered the lottery for
the brand new truck and lost. This year, he told his friend
David, he wasn't going to bother and enter.
"What kind of attitude is that?" David asked.
He leaned closer and whispered, "What you need, pal,
is faith. Look around and see if the good Lord sends you a
message."
Strolling around the fair, Paul grew more ...
0 Comments, 159 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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OOPS wrong one 3/15/2014
George was embarking on a long trip and decides his wife
should wear steel underwear.
He locks the underwear and gives the key to his best friend
Sammy, saying "If I don't come back in 10 years,
set her free."
George was only 30 minutes into his journey when he sees
a cloud of dust behind him. It was Sam running after him.
"What's wrong?" George asked.
Sam, ...
0 Comments, 128 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
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The bus driver 3/15/2014
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says "Ugh,
that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!"
The woman moves to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming.
She says to Akpos who was next to her in the bus, "the
driver just insulted me."
Akpos says "You go up there and give that stupid driver
a big slap, Go on madam, I'll help you hold your monkey"
0 Comments, 64 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Free drinks 3/15/2014
Frank was getting ready to go on a trip to New York for the
first time, and was talking to his friend Bill.
Bill: “While you are in New York, there is a bar that you
have to go to. When you walk through the front door, you are
handed a free drink. Then you can go to the back room and get
laid. Come back up to the bar, and you get another free drink.
Then you can get laid again. It goes ...
0 Comments, 118 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Carlsberg or Tuborg 3/15/2014
A sexy girl looks at the big beer belly of a man and asks: Is
that Carlsberg or Tuborg? There‘s a tap underneath it
– why don‘t you taste it yourself?
0 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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How can you make your wife scream 3/15/2014
How can you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
0 Comments, 30 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score
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magnifying glass 3/15/2014
My husband told me to find him the best penis enlargement
product. So I gave him a magnifying glass!
0 Comments, 17 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Question & Answer 3/15/2014
Q: What did the penis say to the condom? A: Cover me i'm going in!
0 Comments, 10 Views,
0 Votes
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Hated Words 3/15/2014
The four words most hated by men during sex? ‘Is it in yet?’
0 Comments, 11 Views,
0 Votes
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Handsome 3/15/2014
Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex? Girl: A threesome. Boy: What's it called when two people have sex? Girl: A twosome. Boy: Now you know why they call me handsome.
0 Comments, 10 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Handsome 3/15/2014
Boy: What's it called when 3 people have sex? Girl:
A threesome. Boy: What's it called when two people
have sex? Girl: A twosome. Boy: Now you know why they call
me handsome.
0 Comments, 6 Views,
0 Votes
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Weather 3/15/2014
Vaginas are like weather. When it's wet, it's
time to go inside.
0 Comments, 13 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score
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Pussy 3/15/2014
The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school
today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because
I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that
p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'"
0 Comments, 24 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Little Girl & Boy 3/15/2014
A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences
between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the
boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have
that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty
upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying.
A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her
face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy ...
0 Comments, 104 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
|
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Computer Password 3/15/2014
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for
their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis, "
and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the
screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
0 Comments, 37 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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He has a problem 3/14/2014
Man goes to a shrink, he asks what's the problem?
The guy says, I live in a $3 million house, I have a 35 foot
cabin crusier on the lake...I own a $1 million dollar vacation
home...I drive a $150, 000 dollar car, The shrink, says wow that's really great so what's
your problem...
The guy says, I only make $10 and hour...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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Morris 3/12/2014
Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the
street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said,
'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get
a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The ...
1 Comments, 154 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score
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What time????? 3/12/2014
A man was telling his neighbor, 'I just bought a new
hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of
the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really, ' answered the neighbor . 'What
kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'
0 Comments, 63 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Three old guys 3/12/2014
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?' Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!' Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'
0 Comments, 43 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Crushed nuts????? 3/12/2014
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour
and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No, ' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
0 Comments, 34 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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3 bags 3/11/2014
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted
at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank.
Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk
to pull it off.
As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down
the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to
the alarm.
As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a ...
0 Comments, 120 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
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The Blonde and the Lord 3/10/2014
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books
on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools
together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to
make a circular cut in the ice.
Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, ...
0 Comments, 114 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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The Funniest Staff Meeting Ever! 3/10/2014
The boss of a Madison Avenue advertising agency called
a spontaneous staff meeting in the middle of a particularly
stressful week. (This is one pretty sharp boss!)
When everyone gathered, the boss, who understood the benefits
of having fun, told the burnt out staff the purpose of the
meeting was to have a quick contest. The theme: Viagra advertising
slogans. The only rule was they had ...
0 Comments, 109 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
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Hot & Cold Sex 3/10/2014
After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient:
'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical
concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After
my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly .
. . and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm
usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his elderly ...
0 Comments, 115 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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TWO IRISH NUNS 3/10/2014
Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car
when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!"
shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I
don't think they know who we are - show them your cross.
" So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,
"Screw off ye little ...
0 Comments, 101 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Wisdom of an older man 3/10/2014
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at
a shopping mall. ''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?'' The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow,
said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your
wife might be?'' ''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman
with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''
0 Comments, 58 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
|
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Those Alabama Folks 3/9/2014
A friend of mine went to Alabama for a quail hunt.
While walking the fields he saw a man fucking a calf in a pasture.
He was pretty disgusted and headed back to the hunting lodge
to pack his gear.
On the porch he saw a one-legged man in a wheel chair jacking
off. He stomped in to the managers office and demanded his
money back.
He told about seeing the guy in the ...
0 Comments, 154 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
|
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Umm, Ewww???? 3/9/2014
Ole and Lena are havin oral sex when Ole says, "Lena
did you know there are 117, 000 musk-ox in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482, 000
grizzly bears living in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you're smart."
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are over 2, 000, 000
caribou living in ...
0 Comments, 126 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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Lets celebrate 3/9/2014
A man took his wife to a disco on the weekend.
There was a guy on the dance floor going at it big time....
breakdancing, moonwalking, back flips, splits, handstands,
the works.
The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy?
25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.
The husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"
0 Comments, 55 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Little Johnny again 3/9/2014
Little Johnny comes rushing in the house after school,
so excited.
He blurts out to his mom... "Mom, I got laid for the
first time". His mom is mortified and yells at him
to go to his room and wait till his dad gets home.
Johnny sits in his room, scared and hears the front door
open as his dad comes home. Shaking he waits and da finally
wakes in his room. He looks at Johnny and ...
0 Comments, 120 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
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Quickies 3/9/2014
What do you call a cheap circumcision?
A rip off
You Gotta hand it to blind Prostitutes
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
What did the leper say to the ? Keep the tip
0 Comments, 57 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
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Trivia question 3/8/2014
I had a Trivia competition shot to pieces until the last
question which I got wrong. The question was Where do women
have the curliest hair?? The answer I should have given was Fiji.
0 Comments, 33 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
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The Koala 3/7/2014
A koala was sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard
walks up and says "Hey koala what are you doing?"
The koala answers "Smoking a joint, come up and have
some."
The lizard climbs up and the two share the joint. After a
while the lizard says his mouth is dry and excuses himself
to a nearby river to have a drink.
The lizard, so stoned, leans over too far and ...
0 Comments, 110 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
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Which is it? 3/7/2014
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor
comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something
about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says,
"What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's
wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's
wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different.
Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman is confused.
"A hermaphrodite..... what's that?" ...
0 Comments, 116 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
|
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Which is it? 3/7/2014
A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor
comes in and he says, "I have to tell you something
about your baby." The woman sits up in bed and says,
"What's wrong with my baby doctor? What's
wrong?" The doctor says, "Well, now, nothing's
wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different.
Your baby is a hermaphrodite." The woman is confused.
"A hermaphrodite..... what's that?" ...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Little Johnny 3/7/2014
Johnny: I want to buy food. Seller: Do you have a dog?. Johnny: Yes. Seller: Where is it?. Johnny: At home. Seller: Sorry, I can’t sell you food unless I see the dog, it is our policy.
The Next Day. Johnny: Do you have cat food? Seller: Where is your cat?. Johnny: It is at home. Seller: Sorry, I can’t sell cat food for you unless I see the cat.
2 Days Later. Johnny went ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
A tatto 3/7/2014
Eric gets home late one night and Sarah, his wife, asks “Where
the hell have you been?”
Eric replies “I was out getting a tattoo!”
“A tattoo”? She frowned. “What kind of tattoo did
you get?”
“I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates” he said
proudly.
“What the hell were you thinking”? She said, shaking
her head in disgust. ...
0 Comments, 107 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score
|
|
Trays up please 3/7/2014
I was on a flight that was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood
as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down
the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked
me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane
shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays
up, that ...
0 Comments, 103 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
Let's drive 3/7/2014
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired
of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the
car.
His father said he'd make a deal with his , "You
bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible
a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about
the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd
settle for the offer, and ...
0 Comments, 97 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Out drinking 3/7/2014
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stood up
and fell flat on his face.
So he ...
0 Comments, 92 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
|
|
Blind man 3/7/2014
How can you spot a blind man in a Nudist's Colony?
It's not hard
0 Comments, 32 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Two Irish nuns 3/6/2014
Two Irish nuns have just arrived in US by boat, and one says
to the other, "I hear that the people in this country
actually eat dogs."
"Odd, " her companion replies, "but
if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans
do."
As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling, "Hot
Dogs, get your dogs here, " and they both walk towards
the hot cart.
"Two ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
A lady walks into a bar.... 3/6/2014
for the first time, and orders a Budweiser. There are about
10 men in the bar. She drinks the bottle of beer down and promptly
passes out...the men all take her to the back room and have
their way with her.
The next night the same lady walks into the bar, there are
about 25 men in the bar. A hush falls over the place...She
orders a bottle of Budwiser...drinks it down and again
passes out ...
0 Comments, 112 Views,
4 Votes
,5.19 Score
|
|
Who's cutting the grass??? 3/6/2014
Summer is cuming and time to cut the grass
0 Comments, 70 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
Knitting?????? 3/6/2014
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car
on the freeway.
As the officer peered through the driver's window,
he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel
was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver,
"Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
0 Comments, 56 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
Word of the day 3/6/2014
Word of the day..we learn...
0 Comments, 67 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
What is Celibacy?????? 3/6/2014
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed
by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife
Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important
to each other.”
He then addressed the men.
“Can you name and describe your wife's favorite
flower?”
Frank ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
|
|
Retirement Bonus 3/6/2014
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to
offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer
who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of $1, 000 for every
inch measured in a straight line between any Two points
in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points
would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured
from the top of his head to ...
0 Comments, 89 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
|
|
Quickie in the Bushes 3/6/2014
There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of
a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred
years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and,
with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient
through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters,
you have been given life ...
0 Comments, 53 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
|
|
Elevator ride 3/6/2014
I always get myself into these damn messes – that’s
the last time I’ll ever help anyone in an elevator.
BELIEVE IT OR NOT, THIS HAPPENED TO
ME JUST YESTERDAY!
I was beaten up by this woman Terry... I was in an elevator
when this busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs, ...
0 Comments, 71 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
SCOOBY DOO 3/6/2014
There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job,
so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about
implants.
He explained that, before you do anything too serious,
there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients.
Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say ''Scoobie
doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.''
She did this ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
Short but sweet 3/5/2014
What do you say to a hitchhiking frog???
HOP IN!!!!!!
0 Comments, 37 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
The Banker 3/4/2014
A Banker parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office
to show it off to his colleagues.
As he's getting out of the car, a truck comes speeding
along too close to the curb and takes off the door before
zooming off.
More than a little distraught, the Banker grabs his mobile
phone and calls the police.
Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the policeman
has a ...
0 Comments, 104 Views,
6 Votes
,4.50 Score
|
|
true indeed 3/4/2014
MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful
woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your
time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And
then you put in the milk.
0 Comments, 27 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
|
|
true indeed 3/4/2014
MAKING COFFEE Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful
woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your
time. You've got to stir.. gently, and firmly.
You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. And
then you put in the milk.
0 Comments, 3 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
true meanings 3/4/2014
School: A place where Papa pays and plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your
life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his
bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
Lecture: An art of ...
0 Comments, 35 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
|
|
Who says men don't remember????? 3/4/2014
A couple were Christmas shopping.
The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through
one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around
to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence,
she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone
to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he ...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score
|
|
thought the adults were hiding out here laughing 3/3/2014
and there was a page filled with more bump! what goes bump in the night??
2 Comments, 84 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score
|
|
Ole & Lena Joke 3/3/2014
Ole vas vorking at da fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally
cut off all ten of his finkers.
He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got
dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, "Let's
have da finkers and I'll see vhat I can do."
Ole said, "I haven't got da finkers."
"Vhat do you mean, you hafen't got da finkers?"
he said, "Lordy!!! It's ...
0 Comments, 74 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
|
|
chili 3/3/2014
Yankee Judge Chili Cook-off If you're not a Texan, you might not get this one, but
it's still Pretty funny..
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK,
who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: "Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding
Famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off,
because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person ...
2 Comments, 74 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score
|
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bakersfield 3/3/2014
May 30th: Just moved to Bakersfield. Now this is a city that knows
how to live!!
Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place!
It is beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.
June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live
in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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life's differences 3/2/2014
Q: whats the difference between a lawyer and a roster? A: the roster clucks defiance
Q: whats the difference between a computer and a woman?
A: A computer will accept a 3 1/2 in floppy
0 Comments, 39 Views,
1 Votes
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Fat Clothes 3/1/2014
How do you know when your girlfriend is starting to get Fat?
When she starts fitting into your wifes clothes!!!
1 Comments, 32 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score
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SIREN 2/28/2014
A fireman was at the station house when he noticed a little
girl next door. She was in a little red wagon with little
ladders hanging off the side.
She was wearing a fireman's hat and had the wagon tied
to a dog.
The fireman asked her, "Hey little girl. What are
you doing?"
She said, "I'm pretending to be a fireman and
this is my fire truck."
The fireman walked ...
1 Comments, 139 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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HELP ME A LITTLE? 2/28/2014
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland
asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
"Of course. What may I do for you?"
"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic
hair dryer for my mother's birthday. The dryer is unopened
and well over the Customs limits; and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through ...
0 Comments, 121 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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smart cops? 2/28/2014
I just read the police arrested two boys yesterday, one
for drinking battery acid the other for eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
0 Comments, 47 Views,
0 Votes
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POT 2/27/2014
A Jamaican walks into a bank with a 25kg bag of marijuana
and hands it over to the cashier... Shocked, the cashier
asks..'What's this for?' The Rastafarian
replies..'Me here to open a joint account'
1 Comments, 59 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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Woman breaking wind on a bus 2/27/2014
A woman on a bus is suddenly overcome with the urge to break
wind.
She tries to let go a squeaker but instead lets loose a loud,
disgusting blast.
The entire bus goes silent, and the embarrassed woman desperately
tries to think of something to say to the man sitting next
to her.
“Um…do you have a transfer ticket?” she finally
asks.
“No, I don’t, ” ...
0 Comments, 125 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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Sweet aroma of my mistress 2/27/2014
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember
his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they
are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part,
and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening
carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just
one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and ...
0 Comments, 98 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score
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A LION IN THE ZOO 2/27/2014
A lion in the zoo was lying in the sun licking its rear end
when a visitor turned to the zoo keeper and said, “That’s
a docile old thing isn’t it?”
“No way, ” said the zoo keeper, “it’s the most
ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged
a Muslim into the cage and completely devoured him.”
“Hardly seems possible” said the astonished ...
1 Comments, 138 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score
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LITTLE JOHNNY AND THE TEACHER 2/27/2014
The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what
their parents did for a living.
"Mary, what does your parents do?"
Little Mary replied, "My dad is a lawyer and my mummy
is a nurse."
"That’s very nice, " said the teacher. "Robert,
what do your parents do?"
Robert proudly exclaimed, "My dad is a policeman
and my mom is a teacher!"
"That’s very ...
1 Comments, 170 Views,
10 Votes
,4.98 Score
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HAIR DONE 2/27/2014
Did you hear of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped
a straight woman on the street?
Well, two of them held the woman while the third one did her hair.
0 Comments, 46 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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THE MARRIAGE 2/25/2014
Marvin was having marriage problems
So off to the Rabbi Marvin goes...and he explains to the
Rabbi saying..."Rabbi, my wife is trying to poison
me...
The Rabbi say, Marvin let me go talk to your wife, when I return
I'll give you some advice as what to do.
About 3 hours later the Rabbi returns, Walks up to Marvin...and
Marvin is all excited and Asks...Rabbi whats your ...
0 Comments, 131 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score
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GREAT HEARING 2/23/2014
A young man moved from his parents home into a new apartment
of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.
While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment
next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious
that she ...
1 Comments, 159 Views,
9 Votes
,6.20 Score
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COMPARE 2/23/2014
I just had an argument with a girl I know.
She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fucks
a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a
girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut.
So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks,
then it's a master key.
But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty
lock. That shut her up.
1 Comments, 78 Views,
8 Votes
,5.33 Score
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HOW THE "Olympics" GOT ITS NAME 2/21/2014
Until recently, I didn't know this...
A slave from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending
a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years
ago in Greece ..
In those days, believe it or not, the athletes performed
naked.
To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed
freely on drink containing saltpeter before and throughout
the variety of events. ...
4 Comments, 151 Views,
9 Votes
,3.21 Score
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THE LEPER & THE BARTENDER 2/21/2014
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced
over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm
not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could
be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up
and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it
wasn't you. ...
0 Comments, 126 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score
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Lightening up the mood 2/21/2014
Q: How do you know you are a true stoner? A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!
Police Officer: "How high are you?" Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are
you?"
Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip? A: Because pot holder was taken
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There
would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by
a ...
1 Comments, 99 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score
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PIGS 2/20/2014
A farmer had 5 female pigs.
Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county
fair and sell them.
At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split
everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive
thirty miles each and find a field in which to let the ...
1 Comments, 155 Views,
8 Votes
,6.03 Score
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ah ha !!!!!! 2/20/2014
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for
anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.
"Actually, yes, I do."
"Does it hurt you?" he asked.
"No. I rather like it."
"Well, then, " the doctor continued, "there's
no reason that you ...
1 Comments, 162 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score
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IRISH SUGAR TEST 2/20/2014
One day Paddy, an Irishman, goes into a chemist shop -reaches
into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle
and a teaspoon.
He pours some whiskey onto the teaspoon and offers it to
the chemist. "Could you taste this for me, please?"
The chemist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills
the liquid around and swallows it.
"Does that taste sweet to ...
0 Comments, 105 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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computer password... 2/20/2014
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for
their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis, "
and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the
screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."
0 Comments, 17 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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PASSING GAS 2/16/2014
While sitting in the coffee shop today I had to pass gas really bad.
Well with the music playing so loud I thought no one would
hear...
So I passed gas, then realized I was wearing my Ipod...
0 Comments, 88 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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ALL IN THE FAMILY 2/14/2014
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming
sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened
the door she found her naked on the bed with a vibrator.
"What are you doing?" She exclaimed.
The replied, "I'm 35 and still living
at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll
ever get to a husband."
Later that week, the father was in the ...
3 Comments, 291 Views,
16 Votes
,7.24 Score
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LEAVE ME ALONE 2/14/2014
Larry wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself
to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of
aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.
He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean
and pressed. Larry looks around the room and sees that it
is in perfect order, spotless, clean.
So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins ...
0 Comments, 161 Views,
10 Votes
,5.58 Score
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